Cryptic Language and Vague References

"Washington has enough votes to recognize Mormonism as legal religion"

2012-01-24T15:29:00.001-08:00

"Mormons have a right to worship as they choose, they don’t have the right to redefine Christianity, or religion, for all of us." As lawmakers held their first public hearing on legal recognition of Mormonism, a previously undecided Democratic senator on Monday announced her support for the measure, all but ensuring that Washington will become the seventh state to publically recognize

Queens and priestesses

2012-01-14T17:23:00.000-08:00

Misogyny in the temple was never a huge concern for me. But for many, there's a troubling, even overwhelming sense of sexism built into and permeating the entire temple ceremony. Some are concerned by aspects of the temple ceremony: men and women are separated in the ceremonial rooms to opposite sides of the room. Ceremonial elements and covenants center around the representative male-female

Building constructive dialog

2012-01-13T10:50:00.000-08:00

The recent Box Turtle Bulletin article, A changed Exodus, is a beautifully stated message. I'm so glad there are organizations and individuals learning and practicing valuable, constructive dialog and leading the call to mutual respect and understanding, even if not agreement, on often divisive and heated issues. Credit due not just to Box turtle Bulletin writers, but to Alan Chambers, who has

...But do keep dreaming.

2011-12-05T13:07:00.001-08:00

"There is no fullness of joy in the next life without a family unit, including a husband, a wife, and posterity. Further, men are that they might have joy. In the eternal perspective, same-gender activity will only bring sorrow and grief and the loss of eternal opportunities." - Elder Oaks The otherwise righteous who must wait until after death to find out if they're set up for a fullness of joy:

Bygone love letter

2011-11-02T15:03:00.000-07:00

I still feel a flicker. It's dim and very occasionally offers brief waves of warmth. Sometimes, an echo of what I felt for you glances off of another memory shrinking in the distance behind me. I can't help but compare what I feel with others today and what I felt with you back then, though that comparison becomes more hazy with distance, which is sometimes frustrating, other times relieving.

Conversion therapy's elusive unicorn

2011-10-12T11:16:00.000-07:00

From Facebook: ---------------------- In response to comments in a previous post, this describes my experience and perspective well. Former Love in Action Director: I’ve never met a man who experienced a change from homosexual to heterosexual John Smid was once the director of Love in Action a longtime Exodus International affiliate based in Memphis, TN. I have always found John’s candor

Hello eternal perspective, I'm John Wayne

2011-09-28T18:00:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine just posted a link on Facebook to an article at The Mormon Women Project about a woman whose husband left her after coming out, titled An Eternal Perspective. Since I haven't finished any of the myriad of drafts I've begun about various topics, I'll throw this up here as a filler for now. My comment on the link this friend posted is as follows: I just ranted about this, but I

Premature Joculation

2011-08-24T22:33:00.000-07:00

Mohodom is abuzz over an openly gay member, Mitch Mayne, being called to serve with the bishopric (as executive secretary) in a bay area ward. My understanding is that Mitch was in a long-term relationship with a man until about a year ago, during at least part of which he was active in his ward and held a calling, and...well, read it yourself in his open letter. He's currently single and

Connexion Confessions

2011-08-19T22:33:00.000-07:00

Confession: I've been relatively uninterested in Connexion (gay Facebook) lately. But I still log in to check messages or chat with a friend, and sometimes, when that happens to be around midnight, I end up among the "most viewed members" of the day for a short time because the numbers reset and those who recently logged on jump to the top. I may or may not secretly enjoy this brief moment of

Wide-eyed wonder

2011-07-18T01:00:00.000-07:00

I remember a night my world changed forever. I was tucked cozily into bed, and Mom was saying goodnight when I mustered the question I'd been mulling over in my youthful brain: "Is Santa Claus really real?" I may have held on longer than many children to belief in the jolly old elf who chutes down the chimney to leave presents and fill stockings. Some kids had tried to tell me he wasn't real,

How not to become the next boy-renting NARTH officer

2011-07-03T17:24:00.000-07:00

Hey, listen, it's time to stop fooling yourself. When you're cuddling compulsively (e.g. you can't seem to get enough or are fighting a persistent urge to rip off clothing), that cuddling is most likely a substitute for sex. Sorry to break it to you, but when cuddling is about natural affection and trust in a secure friendship, it's not something you do in lieu of prohibited naked fun. And if

Why I've chosen to test, not abandon, friendships

2011-06-10T17:51:00.000-07:00

When I realized I no longer believed in the tenets and doctrines of the LDS Church as I used to (the stories and explanations, not the values, which I still mostly share), or that I wasn't sure I believed in them at all anymore, many crises presented themselves, not least of which was a complete shift in my social interactions and change in my relationships among those closest to me. I was going

"Would you take him back?"

2011-04-12T12:53:00.000-07:00

A few people have asked me this. I met up with someone recently for lunch, and as part of the get-to-know-you, I mentioned the brief dating relationship I was in last summer and the breakup due to his sudden decision to "fight it". The fellow I was speaking with shook his head and said he knows so many cases like that, and almost all of them have eventually realized the futility of the effort,

Confessions of a Nurtured Homo, Part 3

2011-03-21T19:06:00.000-07:00

<< Part 2 Sometimes, guys at school had traits I was attracted to, like confidence, being outgoing, and being really comfortable with themselves in a way I wasn't sure I understood but wanted to because I felt really inhibited and reserved and didn't always like that. I found myself drawn to them in a way I couldn't put my finger on but figured I wanted to observe and learn from them, and I

Ye of little faith

2011-03-20T14:24:00.000-07:00

In some moments, I want to say to theists, especially the fundamentalist religious types, "You have so little faith in the unseen. You're so impatient and think you need all of the answers now..." Of course, I recognize that it's possibly precisely because it's been "used" against me in the past that I am inclined to use it in return. But I was reading a discussion about "miracles," and

Undressing you with my eyes

2011-03-18T14:12:00.000-07:00

I was talking with a friend the other day, and something he said about having inappropriate thoughts got me thinking: do I see an attractive guy and undress him and get all naughty in my head? I realized...I don't think I do. Or if I do, it's rare. I don't, it seems, undress people with my eyes. I see a hot bod in fitted clothing, and I might think it'd be nice if that clothing weren't hiding

Confessions of a Nurtured Homo, Part 2

2011-03-18T00:57:00.000-07:00

<< Part 1 I have no recollection of ever having been sexually abused, and nobody has ever reported seeing signs of sexual abuse in me. But in early grade school, I had a nearly traumatic, shame-filled encounter with a little female friend my age who wanted to get naked in her bedroom and asked me to lie down on my back. She then got on top of me, naked, and sort of laid there. I wasn't

Confessions of a Nurtured Homo, Part 1

2011-03-16T17:08:00.000-07:00

As I read literature on what supposedly causes young boys to head down a heterosexually retarded developmental path, I see threads of my own life. I know this is how they seduce many guys into their philosophy, guys desperate to believe this "isn't who they are" or "isn't what they were meant to be", so they can then offer them "a way out". Many need to believe they turn out straight if they

"Masculine" Rites of Passage

2011-03-11T12:25:00.000-08:00

I never did see much point in arbitrary rites of passage. Even as a kid, I'd watch a documentary TV show about a tribe in Africa and see the boys all lined up for their group circumcision or their war games or whatever it was, waiting to pass through an ordeal or test of strength in order to become "men" in the eyes of their tribe, and I thought, "They are no different after the ritual than they

You make me feel like a natural man

2011-03-10T09:58:00.000-08:00

Listen, churchy chumps, stop using the "natural man" argument to conveniently bolster your hobby topics such as homosexuality. A natural heterosexual man falls in love with and wants to be with women. If your logic is that everything which feels "natural" is evil, or that I am supposed to overcome any arbitrarily selected "natural" inclination in order to prove my dedication and gain glory,

The homely truth about O-Mo

2011-03-09T13:06:00.000-08:00

There are a few things I think people sometimes misperceive about me and a few tidbits which seem to surprise people when they find them out. I've probably thought of some of these because of the new people I've been meeting and spending time with and the questions they come up with along the way. It makes me wonder what perceptions people have of me and when they'll see past their self-told

Bitchelorettes and my mission dynamics

2011-03-08T12:22:00.000-08:00

Remember how I said, in the comments on my post, that I've known women who remind me of Michelle on The Bachelor, and I think she was intense and manipulative and got caught up in playing up the drama when interviewing but probably was hiding some insecurities and might actually be pretty lovable? Yeah...OK, so I didn't spell it all out, but that's what I've thought. Part of me actually thought

Bachelor Twist

2011-03-02T19:47:00.000-08:00

I have the next twist on the oddly conservative show, The Bachelor: a gay bachelor marrying a woman. But the women can't know he's gay. In proposing this, I mean absolutely no disrespect to anyone who's been through it, just like I don't watch this season in order to belittle the challenges of those on the show now. I just love an engaging social experiment. The bachelor's reasons may be

Yes, please

2011-03-02T10:44:00.000-08:00

Speaking of crushes on Henry Cavill, he's slated to be Superman in the next iteration. I think I approve.

Not just about 'marriage'

2011-03-01T12:03:00.000-08:00

I often hear church members say they support civil unions and giving same-sex couples the same rights as mixed-sex couples (many stop short of adoption rights), just not allowing same-sex couples to use the word 'marriage', and some even say the church has said as much. It hasn't. It has come out in support of certain rights for same-sex couples: The Church does not object to rights (already

The truth about mormons...and heterosexuals...

2011-02-28T16:52:00.000-08:00

I know some very vocal ex-mormons who speak at conferences to reveal the "truth" about Mormons, the seedy underbelly and corruption in Mormon culture behind the fluffy, feel-good masks of family-centrism and values-based living. They explain the dishonesty of the members, the hypocrisy rampant in leadership, the child abuse, the spouse abuse, the consumerism, the addiction to antidepressants,

Change of heart

2011-02-25T18:06:00.000-08:00

This post is mostly not about recent BYU drama, but it was sparked by thoughts related to it. As I read a post about gay BYU students being "transferred" to UVU, I thought, "Well, if that's true, and BYU is somehow cleansing itself, strapping on a pair, or somehow trying to show integrity in holding students accountable, then I expect to see a cleansing of the football team, too." Don't get me

Your mom's Wii

2011-02-24T22:01:00.000-08:00

I laugh at the occasional "your mom" joke (I've typically found most of them pretty distasteful or disrespectful, but some of them are good-natured), and I appreciate some clever or downright saucy Wii references and innuendo. But my mom owns a Wii, which was borrowed tonight by a friend, and when my brain "goes there" and--seemingly against my own will--combines a "your mom" joke with a "Wii"

Do all the real men go for women?

2011-02-18T14:00:00.000-08:00

I sometimes wonder if the emotionally healthiest gay guys (or the ones whose perspectives best align with my ideals about relationships) most recognize (or believe) that much or most of what really matters in a relationship can be found in a relationship with a woman and are consequently inclined to seek it with a woman for social and/or religious reasons. Maybe they believe it to be genuinely

Why I love Diana Krall

2011-02-17T22:59:00.000-08:00

While listening to a playlist tonight (the one on my blog, actually), Diana Krall's A Case of You (originally by Joni Mitchell) played (I can't embed it, but the linked video of a live performance is so great), and I realized I didn't used to like that song (I thought it was boring) but now really like it and what it evokes. So guess what I've spent the last hour or so doing? Yep, YouTubing

Snowy security

2011-02-16T23:07:00.000-08:00

Tonight, the flurries of snow reminded me of an experience I had last December while looking out the window of the gym I work out in and about which I think I started a post but never finished it. As I felt the magic of watching the snow fall onto frosted trees outside the window, I wondered at how it didn't carry the sting of watching alone, from a smelly gym, without 'someone special' and

Sacred, not secret, union

2011-02-12T13:19:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a bit, lately, about the reality of marrying or committing myself for life to a man I love someday. If I ever do find such a man, or even if I find such a woman, I intend to hold such a commitment (whether called 'marriage' or 'union') sacred and meaningful, and I have been thinking I may have to make some difficult decisions. I may decide to purify the experience and avoid

Music lessons

2011-02-11T08:38:00.000-08:00

'Technically accurate' is not necessarily moving or life-changing. The soul of a piece is in the living responsiveness between music and musician. A piece can be played technically perfectly with or without soul, but I think music more often comes alive when the dynamics and tempo are an extension of the unification of musician and instrument, breathing together, rather than repetition of fixed

A door closed, but...

2011-02-08T11:25:00.000-08:00

...windows are opened. Reconnecting with an old friend. Allowing myself to be vulnerable to someone whom I had pushed away and remembering that we are, in fact, good friends, even if not perfectly so (who is?). Knowing that it's possible to be over someone, even if it's taken a couple of years. Letting go of hatred and resentment for whatever has possessed someone I more recently loved and

Being The Adulterous Homewrecker

2011-02-08T08:25:00.000-08:00

I've had a few people say they just can't make sense of how somebody can cut off all contact with someone they supposedly cared so much about. I've had a couple of friends also experience this in different ways or situations, as individuals who have been very torn and confused about what they wanted and believed have shut out all contact with formerly trusted "SSA" friends, even changing their

Free

2011-02-06T17:55:00.000-08:00

OK, so maybe the problem is that I was as "right" as I feared, that I hoped my fears were wrong. That I had faith something would override the self-defenses, that my intent would be clear, that...[he] would say anything but what he said. Here's the deal: I wrote [him] an exceedingly long e-mail last Tuesday. Ha, I can hear half of you groaning and smacking your foreheads. It was time: just

Lesbians do it better?

2011-02-06T17:47:00.000-08:00

A friend recently directed my attention to an article discussing a study in which researchers actually found that young adults raised by female same-sex partnerships actually did better academically and showed fewer behavioral problems than those raised in mixed-sex-couple-headed homes. I'm sure those opposed to gay parenting will tell you there are all kinds of "explanations" for this that have

So utterly mistaken

2011-02-05T14:44:00.000-08:00

How am I so consistently so very wrong about the people I'm attracted to? I'm becoming increasingly sure that I can never trust my heart again in matters of romance, and though I'm not yet ready to settle for the safety of less passionate stability without the wonders of what I've felt, I'm a step closer. Is this awakening to reality? Where I saw tenderness and sensitivity, only selfishness

All Figured Out

2011-02-04T04:35:00.001-08:00

In my dream tonight (the early morning of 4 Feb 2011) I found myself walking into a large church building, more like a corporate-style building than a church, really, like one of the Institutes of Religion. I sat down in the back of a large Elders' Quorum meeting next to several male friends from my past and present. There were probably a hundred or so men in the meeting, and I felt both at

If snails can do it...

2011-02-03T23:01:00.000-08:00

I've realized that I'm just not convinced by the idea that theoretically perfected celestial beings with immortal, glorified bodies of light who are on a track to omniscient omnipotence still require a penis and a vagina to procreate new celestial or spiritual beings. I mean, if that's the way it is, then that's the way it is. Maybe it's as simple as living within the constructs we're

Less than but equal?

2011-02-03T19:02:00.000-08:00

It began with the question from my brother: "So I gotta ask you something I've never understood. If same-sex couples can have all of the same rights and legal privileges in civil unions as heterosexual marriages have, as has been done in California, why make so much noise about the word marriage, and change the meaning of something most of society believes means something else by definition? It

Wicked Tease

2011-02-02T17:55:00.000-08:00

A friend sent me a link to an article quoting James Franco as saying, presumably in his cheeky Franco way, "Maybe I'm gay." James, don't tease. You're already my primary celeb crush, and the only male celebrity I really want to have dinner conversation with. I'm sad I missed you at Sundance Film Festival, but I'm getting over it. Regardless, the following video makes me feel all happy inside

Overrated Experience (Memoirs of the never-therapized, Part 1)

2011-02-01T10:48:00.000-08:00

Those who know me well would almost definitely say I don't err on the side of jumping into new experiences recklessly and without looking. They'd say I err on the side of analyzing objectively until opportunities pass. They'd most likely, possibly, perhaps, maybe be right. At least in many instances. But when something is important or exciting to me, I do most often act on it and engage with

Return to Zion

2011-01-31T20:00:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I "got the hell out". And then I got back in. First solid job offer was here, and I've been back for a few weeks now. So if you notice renewed angst and frustration in my posts, it's because I'm back in the land where it often seems like every gay man is either married to a woman (I see oblivious-looking pleasant women with detached-looking husbands every day), in a committed

Temptation and Cognitive Dissonance Revisited, Part 2

2011-01-29T13:53:00.000-08:00

Back to Part 1 This is where I admit, to everyone's shock, I'm sure, that I parallel this idea of abstinence from sugar and carbs with emotional health and "rules" of healthy living. We may think we know exactly what's "good for" ourselves or anyone else, but most of the time, though it may generally be true, it's not always exactly as we think it is, no matter how well a certain "pattern" or

Sundance Refreshment

2011-01-29T00:57:00.000-08:00

As I've been volunteering at Sundance Film Festival, which of course attracts people from all over, I've had some glimmers of hope in the dating-interest department. Despite having to keep from laughing at the many pretentious and self-important people there, I was refreshed to see a few people I suspected were gay and who seemed well-adjusted, comfortable, genuine, and even...dare I say it...

Heteros do it too (and what I really think about most therapy of homosexuality), Part 6 of 6

2011-01-28T01:48:00.000-08:00

Back to Part 5... All else being equal, I would like to marry a man and raise children with him. But as much as I'd like to believe future generations won't have to face the choices or prejudices I have or that the dynamics and aspects of a male-male partnership and parenthood were exactly the same as those of male-female pairings, all else is just not equal, due to religion, social dynamics,

Match Schmatch

2011-01-27T16:33:00.000-08:00

Ha ha, officially--and now quantifiably--hopeless. These matching percentage breakdowns of me and a few attractive gay male users on OKCupid (none of which live in Utah) with whom I have an overall match of 96% or up are examples of why I honestly question whether I'll ever really find a match where there's enough mutual attraction and the whole God thing won't be a deal-killer, and why I'm

Heteros do it too (and what I really think about most therapy of homosexuality), Part 5

2011-01-27T01:42:00.002-08:00

Back to Part 4... What if we told straight men that going through only two or three years was "giving up" and that it may take many years for the changes to set in, that it would take finding the "right man", and that in the meantime, they had holding therapy and quality friendly time with women to fill their needs in healthy ways, but that they were not to date them? What if he were told that

Temptation and Cognitive Dissonance Revisited, Part 1

2011-01-26T02:15:00.000-08:00

If you believe sugar is bad for you, based on observations and teachings that people who eat lots of sugar get fat, and there is a real problem in our nation with overconsumption of sugar, and you consequently conclude (not irrationally), that you must exert every effort to remove sugar from your diet, and you follow through, surely you have done a healthy thing. Maybe you've heard success

Heteros do it too (and what I really think about most therapy of homosexuality), Part 4

2011-01-23T15:20:00.000-08:00

Back to Part 3 As for gay guys who "experience a decrease in homosexuality" after therapy, I know a lot of straight guys who had naive, unhealthy, or oversexualized attraction to women until they did this amazing thing as life, time, and experience taught them to do: mature. I imagine feeling like you wanna jump on every hot guy you see is downright troublesome at times. Tempering the

Heteros do it too (and what I really think about most therapy of homosexuality), Part 3

2011-01-23T12:31:00.000-08:00

Back to Part 2. I'd guess some same-sex spouses or partners experience a lack of infatuation to an extent, too, maybe even fully. Would gay activists decry that relationship just as much as a mixed-orientation relationship based on a lack of euphoria, intense but unearned trust, and/or the feeling of walking on clouds and feeling deliriously happy? Would they decry it if the partners had to

Heteros do it too (and what I really think about most therapy of homosexuality), Part 2

2011-01-22T01:02:00.000-08:00

Back to Part 1. That "in love" feeling is proclaimed by some to be unimportant in a "real" relationship since it eventually fades anyway, which is actually a pretty key thing for a woman-marrying gay man to accept because as I understand it, in most cases, a gay man isn't going to have the same euphoric "in love" phenomenon with a woman as he likely would with a man of equal caliber and

Heteros do it too (and what I really think about most therapy of homosexuality), Part 1

2011-01-21T09:46:00.000-08:00

I loved him. I did not idolize him. But I may have idealized certain traits in my mind. This probable idealization or possible misperception of his traits which never had a chance to be validated or debunked does not mean my love was only a symptom of an inferior and illusory infatuation due to some developmental hiccup. I don't believe it was the result of the sexualization of masculine

Pearls Before Swine

2011-01-21T01:04:00.000-08:00

Enjoy this video of a performance of the song which happened to play on my media player as I wrote this blog post and which felt so appropriate as I wrote that I decided to throw it in as a sort of soundtrack for the sheer, unadulterated heck of it: "Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you

And So It Goes

2011-01-18T18:27:00.000-08:00

I've always really liked this one. Now I feel it, too.

Contented Slovenliness, Broken Love, Fatherhood Fears, and other not-entirely-related things

2011-01-17T21:04:00.000-08:00

Casual observation of the day: I find it easier not to care about dating, to be contentedly single, and to refrain from checking out hotties frivolously when I am letting myself go and grooming less. It's weird. But somehow makes sense. ... On a related note: I've realized I'm probably scared to "not have an excuse" for never having had a serious relationship. What if the understandable

The Last Snowfall

2010-12-22T00:13:00.000-08:00

Private

2010-12-10T00:05:00.000-08:00

I'm seriously considering going private for a time. At the very least, going on hiatus for a while. I still have so much to say: about my belief that most reparative therapy is unnecessarily lobotomizing, cleverly packaged, subtly emotionally manipulative mind tricks with good intentions, about my continuing support for those who choose alternative-alternative lifestyles such as

Hard to get

2010-12-09T22:31:00.000-08:00

Some of you have requested to add Original Mohomie as a friend on Facebook. I'll share with you my textual conversation with someone who shall go unnamed regarding O-Mo's presence on Facebook: someone who shall go unnamed: Facebook just recommended original mohomie as a friend. Is that your way of outing everyone? O-Mo: Lol, I created the account as a test for something, and I've gotten a few

Atheist Christmas Carol

2010-12-06T00:06:00.000-08:00

If I recall correctly from when I first heard her perform this years ago, she said she named it this for lack of a better name, because it was a song about the Christmas season but having nothing to do with the religious aspect. Ha, it's a beautiful song, whatever the name origin. Gosh, I wanna sit down with her sometime.

Christmas Carols

2010-12-05T23:59:00.000-08:00

I've added a few of my favorite Christmas carols or Christmastime songs, with a secular bent, below. There are others I'd add if Playlist.com had them available, including more religious ones, like Sarah McLachlan's or Sissel's In the Bleak Midwinter, or Amy Grant's Grown-up Christmas List or The Night Before Christmas. I still can't help but love the beauty of certain more strictly religious

Decorating delight

2010-12-02T13:53:00.000-08:00

I really like decorating for the holidays. Growing up, I always decorated a lot for Halloween and Christmas. Halloween lost its charm for me several years ago, though it has revived a bit. But Christmas was a mainstay. Last year, though, I wasn't really 'into' Christmas so much. Now that I'm some distance from my first realization that Christmas's meaning was likely to shift drastically for

Seeking constructive authenticity

2010-12-01T15:30:00.000-08:00

Sometimes people insist happiness is found in putting on a smiling face even when things suck and just fakin' it 'til you make it. I used to reject that for different reasons than I do now. It was hard to fake it. It wasn't natural, and it took effort, and I wanted to be mad, dammit! Then I discovered that my heart was calmer when I decided consciously to not get upset or annoyed at things

A feeling washed over me

2010-11-30T11:37:00.000-08:00

It'd been a very long time since I'd felt such a familiar, bright warmth wash over me from head to toe. I didn't expect it to come while waiting for a friend to pick out running clothes at The North Face store. There are a few times in my life I remember having experiences or feelings of a similar kind and magnitude. These were all quite unexpected experiences in otherwise mundane moments. I

Tragically Canadian sensibilities

2010-11-29T17:06:00.000-08:00

I think I have them, and I think it's not so tragic. Just sayin'.

Learning from transcribing

2010-11-28T00:30:00.000-08:00

I've resumed transcribing my mission journal, now that I'm done with my post-mission journal. I suppose there's plenty left after that: letters, tapes, etc. I'll probably have to draw the line somewhere. In order to get it all done, I'd probably have to get rich and hire someone or wait for scanning-to-transcription or audio analysis transcribing software to improve, or be written, or become

What I can't offer...

2010-11-26T01:02:00.000-08:00

I used to think it was sadly limiting and confining that some people thought human relationships were the pinnacle of existence when they had no idea how much better it was to have a relationship with God first and foremost (I hadn't considered "God" actually might literally be love, and one's own conviction of principles of happiness and personal morality, etc), so now I am sometimes afraid to

Le Sigh

2010-11-25T00:32:00.000-08:00

I was thinking I'd have to buy Whatever Works and watch it over and over again not just because I really liked it (I did) but primarily because of Henry Cavill. Now I've discovered he's in The Tudors, so I may have to keep watching...if it's not saturated with gratuitous sex scenes and bloody gore. Ah, *sigh*. Wait, on second thought, while looking for images, I've realized certain angles

Gay sex less morally wrong?

2010-11-23T17:57:00.000-08:00

One day, I was talking with an acquaintance I'll call W who was struggling with questions around the church and reconciling W's own behaviors with church standards. W had never been a floozy. W, a straighty, had apparently always reserved physical expressions of affection for relationships in which there was genuine affection, appreciation, respect, personal relationship, and exclusivity. Even

Don't think about homosexuality!

2010-11-23T12:36:00.000-08:00

From a book I'm currently reading titled The Happiness Hypothesis, by Jonathan Haidt (someone I think I'd like to have a good sit-down conversation with in consideration of pursuing a similar career): "In [Dan] Wegner's studies, participants are asked to try hard not to think about something, such as a white bear, or food, or a stereotype. This is hard to do. More important, the moment one

They can't leave it alone!

2010-11-17T21:51:00.000-08:00

Non-edited-down rambling warning "Strange, how often defectors leave the Church, but they cannot leave it alone!" - Neal A. Maxwell, All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience (1979) This, and many variations of it, are ingrained in LDS traditional thought. I used to repeat it. I marveled that people would not just quietly go about their business as they left the church but seemed to be

Elusive me

2010-11-16T23:19:00.000-08:00

There is a possibly retreating part of me, readily tender, affectionate, and sensitive. Buried. Vulnerable. But very much present and alive when romantically involved with someone or 'in love'. I love that me, and it's that me that I probably mourn nearly as much as the relationship itself when a relationship ends, and he retreats again. I think that me should be accessible at other times,

Carol Lynn Pearson's Mormon Stories Interview

2010-11-16T08:12:00.000-08:00

I've been watching this over the last few days and really enjoying it. Carol Lynn Pearson definitely is one of the most prominent voices on the subject of homosexuality and the church between her books and her play and other efforts. In this several-part, several-hours-long interview on Mormon Stories with John Dehlin, she discusses her 'mixed-orientation marriage' with her gay husband and

I could've married a girl

2010-11-15T15:12:00.000-08:00

No, really. I mean it. Stop laughing. Before I continue, I'll just say that I am not, in any way, about to say any gay/SSA guy who marries a woman does so for the same reasons as mine or with the same factors. This is only my story, as I remember it. I had opportunities. A couple of girls were basically ready to go if I were on board. We would have dated a while, and I'm pretty sure we

If the Church's position changed...

2010-11-15T07:27:00.000-08:00

...and a revelation was announced in which those in same-sex relationships were offered full membership in the church, short of temple sealings and endowment for not-already-endowed members, and were to be given all the same callings anyone else in a non-temple marriage could have, I don't think it would have any bearing on whether I 'went back to the church'. I mention that scenario because I

Ted Cox presentation on JIM and ex-gay movement

2010-11-15T00:11:00.000-08:00

I've found this presentation by Ted Cox, a straight, ex-LDS writer who went to a JIM weekend undercover and shares his experience and interpretations, pretty interesting, although he does tend to fall into the tendency to dismiss ideas based on personal choices of certain of those who espouse and promulgate them, and he clearly has a bias. But so do the creators of JIM, so...y'know. One thing I

Breakfast With Scot

2010-11-14T18:17:00.000-08:00

The other night, after watching weekly TV shows with some buddies, we decided to see what was on Netflix and agreed on Breakfast With Scot. It deals with a gay couple who don't show any glaringly obvious stereotypical gay traits who end up caring for a young boy whose mother died and who is waiting for her ex-boyfriend, into whose custody she willed her son, who is also the brother of one of

Moho self-absorption

2010-11-14T16:02:00.000-08:00

Many of my straight/hetero friends have met many of my gay/SSA friends. They most often really like each other or at least get along fine. But if there's one thing my straight friends have most noted about the mohos, as opposed to other gay or straight friends they have, it's that they seem unusually self-absorbed. And they're not just talking about the self-denying ones or the newbies who are

Pioneering paths and pitfalls

2010-11-10T17:51:00.000-08:00

Note: this post began as a comment on my previous post and became a monster. JIM SKEPTICISM As is reflected in many of my posts, I'm quite skeptical of aspects of JIM, which skepticism is partially why I don't know if I'd ever be welcome even if I did have the money for it...that and my non-theist bent...and refusal to unquestioningly accept, even if I'd listen to and consider, a "life

Nightline's Journey Into Manhood

2010-11-09T11:14:00.000-08:00

Note: For a more complete picture of my views on Journey Into Manhood and related efforts, see my blog entries marked with the labels Journey Into Manhood or Therapy of Homosexuality. I was going to title this "JIM-Dandies on Nightline", but a friend who has been quite heavily involved with JIM for quite some time seemed genuinely offended when I said "JIM-dandies" a few weeks ago, and though

Is mortal love ruined?

2010-11-08T19:08:00.000-08:00

As I was driving tonight, I forget what train of thought brought me there, but I had a bit of a realization. I spent twenty-some years firmly believing that family relationships, beginning with the sealing covenant of temple marriage, are not only meant to be eternally binding and unifying but are the central apex of the entire purpose of our existence now and into eternal immortality. I

Longing for home

2010-11-06T23:41:00.000-07:00

I have dozens of posts started, many delving into sociological, physiological, existential, religious, interpersonal, or other questions, analyses, and musings. I have audio entry after audio entry I've been meaning to transcribe or post. I've been typing out old journal entries and musing on some of my observations and surprises from ten years ago. I have experiences to share, a story to put

Insecurities tapped by primetime soap opera

2010-11-01T16:35:00.000-07:00

Stupid Brothers and Sisters. Yeah, I watch it and really like it. Again, mock away. I know it's totally a primetime soap opera, though far better acted and filmed than what you think of as "soaps". I mean, Sally Field, Calista Flockhart, Rob Lowe, come on! And I love the characters and the way they portray their emotional journeys and interconnections...OK, I'm thinking it just sounds daft

Yeah, I still think of him often...but it's different...

2010-10-31T18:34:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a while since I've broken down into tears over the break-up. I've gotten teary-eyed thinking about things a couple of times in the last couple of weeks, but not even that in the last week or more. I'm no longer always thinking of it, of him, wondering what we could have been, wondering what he thinks of me or how he sees our short relationship, whether we'll ever talk again,

Gay community to blame for own suicides

2010-10-29T16:55:00.000-07:00

At an Evergreen Conference I attended, I learned about the startlingly high incidence of mental illness or disorders among gay youth compared to their heterosexual peers, a fact you would not hear, they said, in the media because it wasn't politically correct to point that out about a minority sexual orientation demographic. This was accompanied by the explicit connection that their

The harder the better

2010-10-28T19:28:00.000-07:00

I fully believe most of the things that matter most in life require effort, work, and dedication to earn the rewards they offer, and pursuit of true principles often requires the loneliness of stepping into uncharted territory or paths most people dare not follow. I believe the best relationships weather discomfort, hurt, and disinterest and require sometimes herculean effort to say, do, or

Back-published posts

2010-10-28T01:26:00.000-07:00

More old posts I didn't publish until now for various reasons. Some of them were thoughts I wanted to expound on more before publishing but didn't get back around to. Some were a bit controversial, or I didn't want to get too heavy at the time. With some, I delayed publishing mainly because I'd already been publishing more than most readers cared to keep up with, so I figured I'd publish them

Bridle, not extinguish

2010-10-27T15:35:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think many SSA folks give in to the fear that their homosexuality is a caged beast they'll be unable to control if they talk about it, interact with others who share their proclivities, or reveal its existence. Sometimes, they even cloak that fear as a great and faithful sacrifice as they sweep their inclinations deep under the rug, never to be seen or heard from again. Other times,

Does God want us hidden?

2010-10-26T20:39:00.000-07:00

KEEPING IT TO MYSELF I used to think my struggle with/against same-sex attraction was easier or better dealt with alone, without anyone knowing my struggle or being unnecessarily burdened by it. Besides, I'd done this to myself, I thought. I hadn't read this anywhere, just deduced it on my own as a teenager. Surely, I'd sexualized my admiration of other guys and turned it into this perversion

New features

2010-10-26T20:11:00.000-07:00

I've added a "Highlights from the past" section where I'll post old, forgotten posts as I incidentally remember them, in case anyone's interested in my old faves. I've also added a "Popular Posts" section lower down which shows the most-loaded posts from my blog, most of which are due to random Google searches, which makes me chuckle, so I'll leave it up until I get sick of it. Oh, and while

The pitfall of dismissiveness

2010-10-25T23:19:00.000-07:00

Observation: talk to any random person on the street, and they don't know anything about Evergreen, Exodus, Love Won Out, or reparative therapy. Never heard of it. Talk to a gay person about them: some have heard, but the vast majority haven't even given it a second thought and chalk it up to bigots and self-loathers who would strip them of the happiness they've found in learning to accept

I am not what I don't believe

2010-10-22T10:16:00.000-07:00

Part of my distress lately has come from the nature of my focus. Triggered or exacerbated by some stressful conversations of harsh judgement or even slightly derisive bewilderment and very painful and sudden rejection of some I felt "safe" with, I've experienced some intense emotions, with a lot of feelings of pain, rejection, etc. I have allowed certain of people's reactions to my current

All tied up neatly with a bow

2010-10-21T18:53:00.000-07:00

I used to think any time I shared anything other than positive, faith-filled thoughts, I needed to make sure it was all neatly tied up at the end with a faith-affirming thought because to express anything other than positivity was not constructive and could undermine the faith of others. I no longer believe that. My practice of wrapping everything up with "but since I have faith in God's plan

The risks of questioning aloud

2010-10-21T17:04:00.000-07:00

I think there are various reasons I've held back vocalizing certain things in such a "public" or diffuse way as blogging it here, particularly concerning reparative therapy and attempts to live a heterosexual lifestyle. I haven't wanted to "attack" things people close to me seem very sensitive about or make it seem like I'm directly criticizing their lives or relationships by asking questions.

Manfast undermined

2010-10-20T23:10:00.000-07:00

I've decided it's best for me to be single for a while, and I've been feeling good about that decision. Minimizing that distraction in my life may, I'm hoping, help me focus on what I need to: finding work, figuring out what I want from life independent of companionship over which I may or may not have much control, determining a career path, becoming financially stable again, finding community

What about dope in the gay brain?

2010-10-20T02:50:00.000-07:00

I just watched The Science of Sex Appeal. I'm particularly intrigued by the work of Helen Fisher in studying companionship and love as they relate to brain systems. Her brain imaging studies fascinate me and have raised question or two. She's found certain areas of the brain tend to "light up" or activate in brain scans when people think about the person they're in love with. I can't help but

Free Career Counseling vs. Paid Therapist

2010-10-19T23:37:00.000-07:00

Well, facing a car insurance payment and cell phone bill and having no expected income for at least another month, I've realized I simply can't pay for even one counseling session. I'm a bit down about having to cancel my appointments, but so it goes. I'm at my most open, teachable, and needful of help, and I can't afford to get the help I want. How...appropriate. Fortunately, I went to a

Coming out with context

2010-10-19T15:43:00.000-07:00

This has nothing to do with "coming out" in the "I'm here, I'm queer" sense. It's about admitting my own context and trying to be forthcoming with it. I'm one who believes ideas stand on their own: if they're valid, they're valid, and if they're not, they're not, no matter who said them or why. However, I also recognize that the tone, connotations of wording, underlying perspectives and

Just like starting over

2010-10-18T18:27:00.000-07:00

I'm just gonna say it: feeling like you're starting life over after 30 as an unemployed, formerly LDS nontheist-leaning agnostic single gay man with strong values and principles but without a community in which to share them with others or direct energies for service or dialog and who wants to have his own children but has no firm career direction or money with which to pay for further education.