*** Published 27 Oct 2010 ***
OK, so I was talking on the phone with a friend regarding how many mohos there are in Utah, and it reminded me that I've never posted an entry about that. So here's the announcement, for those of you less in-the-know on such matters or wondering if the rumors you've heard about the large gay underground in Salt Lake are true: ...drum roll, please...they're true.
Utah is full of gay people. Everywhere. Orem and Provo seem to be crawling with gay people, LDS or otherwise (mostly LDS), open or closeted (mostly closeted). Salt Lake is full of them as well.
You know how most cities have pride festivals? Salt Lake has two: summer and winter. Crazy, eh? And, as I wrote in Brother's Questions, the BYU Men's Chorus, with their strong, masculine sound, is actually full of gay boys, some of whom have a reputation for making the rounds. But not all mormon homos are Men's Chorus sluts. There are actually many who are mostly just like their peers but attracted to men but not "acting on" that attraction. I personally know at least a few dozen such young men and women at BYU alone, and most of them know others I don't. In Provo and Orem, I've lost count of how many gay people I know, the majority of which are actively LDS. Salt Lake has dozens of others I'm aware of.
I know probably a dozen or so men in the area who are married, most of whom are pretty quiet about their attractions with most people.
I know of several others scattered throughout the country. I would say every ward has at least a couple of people with dominant same-sex attraction, and many wards have several.
And these are just the ones I know about. Who knows what other social circles are out there that I'm not aware of, or who has never talked with anyone about it?
In short, we are everywhere. We have infiltrated every nook and cranny of society. ...Maybe I should choose different wording for that. ...nah. So chances are, someone you know thinks people of their same gender are sexy and/or tends to fall for them more than people of the opposite gender. I guess that's a safe wager considering my readership, but you know what I mean...
19 April 2008
09 April 2008
Applying Gayness to Future Possibilities
*** Published, unfinished, 27 Oct 2010 ***
I think I'll be able to apply what I've learned in my man-flings to a possible future relationship with a woman. But I'm also wary of my own motivations for seeking a relationship with a woman. Sometimes, believing you're able to do something doesn't mean you should.
"Just hold on, blessings will come, even if not in this life." That is a comforting promise to many. It, of course, requires faith and confidence that there will, in fact, be blessings in the next life and that this life will be but a small moment in the eternal timeline of our souls. Seriously, less than 100 years out of eternity? How could you possibly set yourself on anything but the best course? How could you exchange an eternity of peace and joy and love for the satisfaction of a for-time-only comfort?
It's a little tougher when you already have doubts as to what the eternities hold for you. If you aren't really certain what it's all going to be like when your brain stops working and your cells cease functioning and begin their transformation back into other components of the earth, that question holds far less comfort. It's not a matter of "fearing" there being nothing, but facing the possibility that maybe this life is, in fact, all there is, or maybe the next life is, in fact, so much more perfect than this one that we will be sorry we insisted on so many unnecessary behaviors when true, abiding, meaningful love is really what mattered and everything else was incidental and arranged after this life.
There's another hitch: I appreciate people's assurances that I will be made straight in the next life, and I will therefore WANT to be with a woman and will be given the opportunity to do so, or to continue to be with whatever wife I may choose to be with in this life. I believe many a moho will be overjoyed to hear that they can be with their beloved companion (opposite sex) and that they will continue to be perfected, towards a heterosexual orientation, but that by then, it may not even matter much because they will have spent a lifetime of loving devotion with their chosen companion and would never trade that relationship for the whole world.
But it's hard to find comfort in the promise that one day I will, to describe it plainly, want what I don't want...does that make sense? My mom asked me, "You would choose to change this if you could, wouldn't you? Wouldn't it just be easier to be attracted to women and marry and have children like you always imagined and wanted?" I didn't quite know what to say. Yes, it would be beautiful to not wrestle with the question of whether I should allow myself to love in the way my heart naturally wants to. It would be amazing to know the joy of wrapping my arms around a beautiful girl and have it feel the way it has with guys I've been attracted to, and to know that we can date openly, without scandal, without the moral dilema of whether we're sacrificing eternity just by being together, that we're actually moving together TOWARDS eternity in the most beautiful of human relationships. ...yes, that would be nice, to put it mildly.
But...do I wish I were heterosexual? I don't know. Sometimes, I don't think so. Sometimes, I think, isn't that a bit like saying, "Given the fact that really delicious and decadent chocolate mousse cheesecake is bad for you, don't you wish you liked health food instead?" Um...maybe...I guess...but I effing LOVE chocolate mousse cheesecake! Why are you asking such cruel questions and bending my brain in knots this way?
I think I'll be able to apply what I've learned in my man-flings to a possible future relationship with a woman. But I'm also wary of my own motivations for seeking a relationship with a woman. Sometimes, believing you're able to do something doesn't mean you should.
"Just hold on, blessings will come, even if not in this life." That is a comforting promise to many. It, of course, requires faith and confidence that there will, in fact, be blessings in the next life and that this life will be but a small moment in the eternal timeline of our souls. Seriously, less than 100 years out of eternity? How could you possibly set yourself on anything but the best course? How could you exchange an eternity of peace and joy and love for the satisfaction of a for-time-only comfort?
It's a little tougher when you already have doubts as to what the eternities hold for you. If you aren't really certain what it's all going to be like when your brain stops working and your cells cease functioning and begin their transformation back into other components of the earth, that question holds far less comfort. It's not a matter of "fearing" there being nothing, but facing the possibility that maybe this life is, in fact, all there is, or maybe the next life is, in fact, so much more perfect than this one that we will be sorry we insisted on so many unnecessary behaviors when true, abiding, meaningful love is really what mattered and everything else was incidental and arranged after this life.
There's another hitch: I appreciate people's assurances that I will be made straight in the next life, and I will therefore WANT to be with a woman and will be given the opportunity to do so, or to continue to be with whatever wife I may choose to be with in this life. I believe many a moho will be overjoyed to hear that they can be with their beloved companion (opposite sex) and that they will continue to be perfected, towards a heterosexual orientation, but that by then, it may not even matter much because they will have spent a lifetime of loving devotion with their chosen companion and would never trade that relationship for the whole world.
But it's hard to find comfort in the promise that one day I will, to describe it plainly, want what I don't want...does that make sense? My mom asked me, "You would choose to change this if you could, wouldn't you? Wouldn't it just be easier to be attracted to women and marry and have children like you always imagined and wanted?" I didn't quite know what to say. Yes, it would be beautiful to not wrestle with the question of whether I should allow myself to love in the way my heart naturally wants to. It would be amazing to know the joy of wrapping my arms around a beautiful girl and have it feel the way it has with guys I've been attracted to, and to know that we can date openly, without scandal, without the moral dilema of whether we're sacrificing eternity just by being together, that we're actually moving together TOWARDS eternity in the most beautiful of human relationships. ...yes, that would be nice, to put it mildly.
But...do I wish I were heterosexual? I don't know. Sometimes, I don't think so. Sometimes, I think, isn't that a bit like saying, "Given the fact that really delicious and decadent chocolate mousse cheesecake is bad for you, don't you wish you liked health food instead?" Um...maybe...I guess...but I effing LOVE chocolate mousse cheesecake! Why are you asking such cruel questions and bending my brain in knots this way?
07 April 2008
Getting outside of ourselves
*** Revised and published 27 Oct 2010 ***
I think some mohos balk when I say mohos tend to be self-absorbed. Perhaps I'm wrong, but aside from my own observations, I've had several friends from outside moho circles comment on how they like many of the mohos they've met, but they often seem really self-absorbed, stroking each other's legs and egos, largely ignoring the straight people in the room or topics of conversation straight people directly identify with, talking about themselves and their struggles more than asking about other people, etc. Of course, I've heard people say similarly things about other groups, like Mormons, or eating disorder support groups, or whatever. But I do suspect mohos are guilty of this, and I have trouble believing it's all about misperception. I think there's something to it.
I think there are reasons for that. I think we've grown up feeling alienated, marginalized, invalidated, misunderstood, and unacceptable. We've already been inflicting a lot of self-doubt and self-punishment for much of our lives. I think many of us have longed and wished for someone to just say, "you're OK. I love you as you are." I suspect most people need to hear that at some point. The problem is that after having found such a community where we can finally be ourselves and learn to fully accept ourselves, warts and all, we often go through a time when any sign of correction or caution is interpreted as lack of support or that old familiar "unacceptable" feeling.
It's almost like once we find a "home" with others like us, it's hard not to succumb to an overpowering sense of entitlement, like we get an exemption from correction because we've been so mistreated for so long. And that may be partially true: it's understandable and maybe necessary to take a step back and just get used to the idea of being "OK" or "lovable just as you are" for a while before getting back to the never-ending task of revising behaviors and thought patterns.
But though it may be hard to do, we need to get over our self-absorption and venture out of the soul-withering shelter of non-corrective social circles. That doesn't mean you have to believe everyone who challenges you is right, and you definitely should surround yourself with people who remind you that you're lovable and beautiful as you are, but if you're surrounded by people who insist you shouldn't have to change or adapt and who blame everyone else for your drama, or who always talks about themselves and the things they care about without digging in to other people's interests and passions, consider the possibility that you're in an incredibly self-absorbed crowd and could grow a lot more (and therefore find more happiness) by seeking other friends.
I think some mohos balk when I say mohos tend to be self-absorbed. Perhaps I'm wrong, but aside from my own observations, I've had several friends from outside moho circles comment on how they like many of the mohos they've met, but they often seem really self-absorbed, stroking each other's legs and egos, largely ignoring the straight people in the room or topics of conversation straight people directly identify with, talking about themselves and their struggles more than asking about other people, etc. Of course, I've heard people say similarly things about other groups, like Mormons, or eating disorder support groups, or whatever. But I do suspect mohos are guilty of this, and I have trouble believing it's all about misperception. I think there's something to it.
I think there are reasons for that. I think we've grown up feeling alienated, marginalized, invalidated, misunderstood, and unacceptable. We've already been inflicting a lot of self-doubt and self-punishment for much of our lives. I think many of us have longed and wished for someone to just say, "you're OK. I love you as you are." I suspect most people need to hear that at some point. The problem is that after having found such a community where we can finally be ourselves and learn to fully accept ourselves, warts and all, we often go through a time when any sign of correction or caution is interpreted as lack of support or that old familiar "unacceptable" feeling.
It's almost like once we find a "home" with others like us, it's hard not to succumb to an overpowering sense of entitlement, like we get an exemption from correction because we've been so mistreated for so long. And that may be partially true: it's understandable and maybe necessary to take a step back and just get used to the idea of being "OK" or "lovable just as you are" for a while before getting back to the never-ending task of revising behaviors and thought patterns.
But though it may be hard to do, we need to get over our self-absorption and venture out of the soul-withering shelter of non-corrective social circles. That doesn't mean you have to believe everyone who challenges you is right, and you definitely should surround yourself with people who remind you that you're lovable and beautiful as you are, but if you're surrounded by people who insist you shouldn't have to change or adapt and who blame everyone else for your drama, or who always talks about themselves and the things they care about without digging in to other people's interests and passions, consider the possibility that you're in an incredibly self-absorbed crowd and could grow a lot more (and therefore find more happiness) by seeking other friends.
05 April 2008
Friends Don't Fully Substitute
*** Published 27 Oct 2010 ***
They move, they get married, they go gay, they go ultra-conservative, they fool around with your other friends, they're not there every night.
I guess you could possibly have one of those friends you have a cute house and cats with, maybe a dog, but come on...
They move, they get married, they go gay, they go ultra-conservative, they fool around with your other friends, they're not there every night.
I guess you could possibly have one of those friends you have a cute house and cats with, maybe a dog, but come on...
Elder Scott's Abuse Talk
Elder Richard G. Scott gave a talk today regarding abuse victims and giving counsel on how to respond to and heal from abuse, advising parents how to watch for signs of it, as well as addressing abusers to some degree.
I was really glad to hear the issue so directly addressed. I almost skipped his talk (watched Conference on Tivo--what will I do without Tivo when my beloved roomie takes it with him when he moves?) but I decided to listen to part to see what it was about. I'm glad I did. I'm so glad we are seeing some difficult but very real-world matters being addressed in General Conferences and other church forums.
I'm curious how those who have been abused feel about this talk. Was it helpful? Did you feel like he understood where you're coming from? Was he obviously sensitive and aware? Was it hard to trust him? Did you feel like he understood what it's like to be in your shoes? To me, the talk was sensitive and helpful, but since I've never been sexually or physically abused, I don't have a first-person perspective on it, so I don't know how I'd respond if I had been.
Any input?
I was really glad to hear the issue so directly addressed. I almost skipped his talk (watched Conference on Tivo--what will I do without Tivo when my beloved roomie takes it with him when he moves?) but I decided to listen to part to see what it was about. I'm glad I did. I'm so glad we are seeing some difficult but very real-world matters being addressed in General Conferences and other church forums.
I'm curious how those who have been abused feel about this talk. Was it helpful? Did you feel like he understood where you're coming from? Was he obviously sensitive and aware? Was it hard to trust him? Did you feel like he understood what it's like to be in your shoes? To me, the talk was sensitive and helpful, but since I've never been sexually or physically abused, I don't have a first-person perspective on it, so I don't know how I'd respond if I had been.
Any input?
01 April 2008
I Didn't Know Her, But...
I receive Amber alerts by text on my cell phone. When I received the alert cancellation on my phone tonight, I had a bad feeling about the outcome. An adorable little girl, Hser Ner Moo, was found dead tonight in Salt Lake after a full day of searching, and for some reason, this one struck me. I don't know the cause yet or the circumstances, but regardless, it's not the news I hoped to hear.
Tonight, I had been thinking somewhat soberly about the frivolity or relative unimportance of good looks, fashion, a sharp mind, a quick wit, or other things people may or may not have much control over, alont with the supreme importance of simply being the best person you can, full of kindness, purity, honesty, free of guile... I hope I don't distract from or insult her family's grief by writing in relation to her tragedy, and if my timing is awful, I'm truly sorry. I just wanted to say that I doubt anyone is concerned, right now, about whether she was going to be a film star, a prom queen, a Hollywood bad girl, President, or a Nobel Prize winner. This was someone's daughter, someone's sister, a beautiful little girl we all hoped would be found safe and reunited with her family. Something seems so pure about what we feel in relation to a child. I'm not sure why that is so clear in my mind right now, but I wanted to say it. It seems potentially insensitive to be writing an analysis right now, but it also seems important.
Her family is in incomprehensible pain right now. How can I not be mindful of them over myself, for at least a moment? I don't think we ought to live in perpetual somberness over the sorrows around us or expect others to feel exactly as we do when we do. Fortunately, I don't think taking everyone's sorrows upon myself is expected of me. This world is full of tragedy, and there's value in finding the joy we can and enjoying some lightness of heart. I just hope I'm never so absorbed in myself to sincerely feel respect and sorrow for others, including my friends and family, allowing it to bring perspective. This family has a long road ahead, and I will probably be back to business as usual tomorrow morning. I had never heard of this girl until this morning, but her tragedy has brought me to tears tonight and has impacted my life in some small but meaningful way. I hope and pray for peace for her and her family tonight.
Tonight, I had been thinking somewhat soberly about the frivolity or relative unimportance of good looks, fashion, a sharp mind, a quick wit, or other things people may or may not have much control over, alont with the supreme importance of simply being the best person you can, full of kindness, purity, honesty, free of guile... I hope I don't distract from or insult her family's grief by writing in relation to her tragedy, and if my timing is awful, I'm truly sorry. I just wanted to say that I doubt anyone is concerned, right now, about whether she was going to be a film star, a prom queen, a Hollywood bad girl, President, or a Nobel Prize winner. This was someone's daughter, someone's sister, a beautiful little girl we all hoped would be found safe and reunited with her family. Something seems so pure about what we feel in relation to a child. I'm not sure why that is so clear in my mind right now, but I wanted to say it. It seems potentially insensitive to be writing an analysis right now, but it also seems important.
Her family is in incomprehensible pain right now. How can I not be mindful of them over myself, for at least a moment? I don't think we ought to live in perpetual somberness over the sorrows around us or expect others to feel exactly as we do when we do. Fortunately, I don't think taking everyone's sorrows upon myself is expected of me. This world is full of tragedy, and there's value in finding the joy we can and enjoying some lightness of heart. I just hope I'm never so absorbed in myself to sincerely feel respect and sorrow for others, including my friends and family, allowing it to bring perspective. This family has a long road ahead, and I will probably be back to business as usual tomorrow morning. I had never heard of this girl until this morning, but her tragedy has brought me to tears tonight and has impacted my life in some small but meaningful way. I hope and pray for peace for her and her family tonight.
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