Several years ago, I was walking through the university's campus between classes with a friend of mine, a guy in my singles ward who was several years older than me. This was the "grandfather" of the ward, the guy everybody looked at and said, "Wow, I need to start dating...NOW." I wouldn't say he was a cautionary tale; his presence was just...a reminder, a catalyst, if you will. Nobody wanted to be "the ancient one" of the singles ward. He was a whopping twenty-seven years old! Granted, we liked the chap. Nice fellow. Fun. Made a mean shake. But he was twenty-seven and SINGLE! But this is all beside the point.
We were walking on a common path through a busy building towards our respective classes, headed up the fully-loaded stairway of the lobby. He was getting rather worked up about something or another--I forget what now--and I made some comment to him about calming down or he'd give himself a heart attack. He quickly snapped back, in a good-natured tone with an edge, "Well, you'd be acting the same way if you were a 27-year-old virgin!!"
Keep in mind, this was no church school nor located in the heart of mormondom. In this stone, heathen building, the exclamation seemed to echo and roll off of every wall. Heads turned in stunned bemusement. I threw my head back and laughed out loud at the comedy of his pent-up sexuality. He looked mildly amused by his own pathetic state.
Well, old man, it's been years since your public proclamation, and I can now say I've been there, done that. I feel for ya, buddy, I feel for ya. I'd say I've got you beat, but we've been in touch here and there, and as far as I know, you're still ahead. Once again, I think, "I'd rather not find out what it's like to be in your shoes," but let's be honest, I'm likely to get there, myself.
You know the movie "40-Year-Old Virgin"? I haven't seen it, but I saw the previews. I'm nowhere near forty yet, but sometimes, I think I'm closer than I think. Isn't part of the comedy of that movie the idea that such people don't exist? *sigh*
28 April 2008
25 April 2008
Being Believable
I started writing this a few days ago, and since "Moderation" was on my mind tonight, I figured I'd wrap this one up and publish it, too, since I see it as related.
As I have kept tabs on various organizations for gays, ex-gays, gay mormons, etc., I find that there's a lot of distrust and misunderstanding among the different factions. Everyone's experiences are highly individual and unique, yet people on both sides often tend to see everything through their own paradigms and completely discount the experiences of people who come to conclusions they disagree with.
I think part of this is due to the fact that everyone tends to dig deeper into their trenches to prove their correctness.
Faithful Mormons will have a hard time believing the "out" individual who claims they never felt happiness or peace in the church and the spiritual experiences they had in relation to it. They won't believe they stayed with it so long if there was nothing rewarding about the doctrines and/or the culture or that they truly didn't believe it at all.
"Out and proud" types will scoff if an active LDS homosexual person says life is all beaming smiles and giggles and living in the church is a cakewalk because their leaders told them so. They just won't buy that there aren't deep conflicts to be reconciled and sorrows to be worked through.
When a friend of mine told me he had gone on a date or two with a girl who was bringing out feelings that excited him, I asked him if he was feeling desires to be physical with her in a romantic sense. Did he wanna get freaky? He answered in the affirmative and then questioned whether I believed him when I returned my coldly skeptical silence. I said, "No, I can believe it." But the skeptic in me was, indeed, demanding more data. "But is it like what you've felt with guys?" I asked.
He quickly replied, "Oh, no way! But it's something, and it's enough to be exciting," or something like that.
I said, "OK, now that I can believe."
It wasn't that I didn't believe he was feeling something and even genuinely excited about what he was feeling. Because of my experience with homos/mohos/what-have-you, I am sensitive to people magnifying their attractions to members of the opposite sex and turning it into something unrealistic in their minds just because they've felt a glimmer of something. They start feeling "cured" or thinking "this is the one" girl who will turn everything around for them. Then, when the newness wears off, or the relationship doesn't work out, for whatever reason, they're that much more devastated that it didn't last or hopeless that they'll ever find another towards whom they feel the same.
Fortunately, I think this friend has a pretty good grip on reality, but every once in a while, I ask clarifying questions like that to see where he's coming from, or if I can still relate.
Incidentally, it sucks to feel "left behind" while others are "graduating" into relationships with people of the opposite gender or claiming their attractions are mostly gone, and so there is probably a knee-jerk reaction against it. Of course, that goes both ways. I see similar knee-jerk reactions from friends of gay mormons who decide to pursue same-sex relationships.
I understand, to an extent, feeling the need to present a less "moderated" face to decisions. If this same friend were to openly admit to many of his friends who are opposed to "fooling yourself" into thinking a relationship with someone of the opposite sex can work out great and be just as fulfilling as one with someone of the same sex, his admission that it's not quite like the sexual feelings he's felt towards guys would be immediate ammunition to violently shoot down or mock his attempt to develop a meaningful relationship with her, regardless of what other rewards and happiness he finds in the relationship. Because of their focus on the supposed necessity of sexual passion, they will not look past that to the many other facets of the potential relationship.
On the flip side, many actively religious people don't want to hear the truth, that it's not the same in that aspect. They don't want to hear that it's not quite totally cut-and-dry. They have overcome their difficulties in life through prayer and fasting, so why not him? Why not this way? It's uncomfortable to look past their paradigm that the atonement will heal any "ill", so he needs to fake it 'til he makes it.
Both paradigms demand that he deny what he truly feels and embraces and wants for the sake of fitting comfortably into their own paradigms. To those who feel pressured in this way, I say own your own decisions. Be a revolutionary. Forge new paths. No trail was ever formed by the explorer who said, "Nobody's ever gone there, or people have tried and turned back, so obviously it's not possible," and turned back to what had been done before.
The topic of homosexuality and whether someone should pursue their apparently natural sexual/romantic desires or whether they can and/or should live dedicated to beliefs which prohibit same-sex romance is heated and full of prejudice and passion from both sides of most arguments. Because of that, I value the openness of the few voices out there who aren't afraid to defy stereotypes and paradigms and don't mask their doubts and difficulties nor their hopes and triumphs for the sake of toeing the party line. They may confuse the hell out of people who want a box to live in. But hey, confusion sometimes leads to a desire to find answers. Those who proclaim it's cut and dry are typically not fooling many people. Gay or ex-gay, astute people will see right through it.
As I have kept tabs on various organizations for gays, ex-gays, gay mormons, etc., I find that there's a lot of distrust and misunderstanding among the different factions. Everyone's experiences are highly individual and unique, yet people on both sides often tend to see everything through their own paradigms and completely discount the experiences of people who come to conclusions they disagree with.
I think part of this is due to the fact that everyone tends to dig deeper into their trenches to prove their correctness.
Faithful Mormons will have a hard time believing the "out" individual who claims they never felt happiness or peace in the church and the spiritual experiences they had in relation to it. They won't believe they stayed with it so long if there was nothing rewarding about the doctrines and/or the culture or that they truly didn't believe it at all.
"Out and proud" types will scoff if an active LDS homosexual person says life is all beaming smiles and giggles and living in the church is a cakewalk because their leaders told them so. They just won't buy that there aren't deep conflicts to be reconciled and sorrows to be worked through.
When a friend of mine told me he had gone on a date or two with a girl who was bringing out feelings that excited him, I asked him if he was feeling desires to be physical with her in a romantic sense. Did he wanna get freaky? He answered in the affirmative and then questioned whether I believed him when I returned my coldly skeptical silence. I said, "No, I can believe it." But the skeptic in me was, indeed, demanding more data. "But is it like what you've felt with guys?" I asked.
He quickly replied, "Oh, no way! But it's something, and it's enough to be exciting," or something like that.
I said, "OK, now that I can believe."
It wasn't that I didn't believe he was feeling something and even genuinely excited about what he was feeling. Because of my experience with homos/mohos/what-have-you, I am sensitive to people magnifying their attractions to members of the opposite sex and turning it into something unrealistic in their minds just because they've felt a glimmer of something. They start feeling "cured" or thinking "this is the one" girl who will turn everything around for them. Then, when the newness wears off, or the relationship doesn't work out, for whatever reason, they're that much more devastated that it didn't last or hopeless that they'll ever find another towards whom they feel the same.
Fortunately, I think this friend has a pretty good grip on reality, but every once in a while, I ask clarifying questions like that to see where he's coming from, or if I can still relate.
Incidentally, it sucks to feel "left behind" while others are "graduating" into relationships with people of the opposite gender or claiming their attractions are mostly gone, and so there is probably a knee-jerk reaction against it. Of course, that goes both ways. I see similar knee-jerk reactions from friends of gay mormons who decide to pursue same-sex relationships.
I understand, to an extent, feeling the need to present a less "moderated" face to decisions. If this same friend were to openly admit to many of his friends who are opposed to "fooling yourself" into thinking a relationship with someone of the opposite sex can work out great and be just as fulfilling as one with someone of the same sex, his admission that it's not quite like the sexual feelings he's felt towards guys would be immediate ammunition to violently shoot down or mock his attempt to develop a meaningful relationship with her, regardless of what other rewards and happiness he finds in the relationship. Because of their focus on the supposed necessity of sexual passion, they will not look past that to the many other facets of the potential relationship.
On the flip side, many actively religious people don't want to hear the truth, that it's not the same in that aspect. They don't want to hear that it's not quite totally cut-and-dry. They have overcome their difficulties in life through prayer and fasting, so why not him? Why not this way? It's uncomfortable to look past their paradigm that the atonement will heal any "ill", so he needs to fake it 'til he makes it.
Both paradigms demand that he deny what he truly feels and embraces and wants for the sake of fitting comfortably into their own paradigms. To those who feel pressured in this way, I say own your own decisions. Be a revolutionary. Forge new paths. No trail was ever formed by the explorer who said, "Nobody's ever gone there, or people have tried and turned back, so obviously it's not possible," and turned back to what had been done before.
The topic of homosexuality and whether someone should pursue their apparently natural sexual/romantic desires or whether they can and/or should live dedicated to beliefs which prohibit same-sex romance is heated and full of prejudice and passion from both sides of most arguments. Because of that, I value the openness of the few voices out there who aren't afraid to defy stereotypes and paradigms and don't mask their doubts and difficulties nor their hopes and triumphs for the sake of toeing the party line. They may confuse the hell out of people who want a box to live in. But hey, confusion sometimes leads to a desire to find answers. Those who proclaim it's cut and dry are typically not fooling many people. Gay or ex-gay, astute people will see right through it.
24 April 2008
Moderation
Moderation: I often see ignorance of this principle in practice among my friends and brethren, the mohos.
Incidentally, I'm speaking, as usual, from a primarily male perspective.
Most of us have spent much of our lives feeling freakish, evil, shameful, or otherwise thoroughly repressed when it comes to attraction, dating, or sexuality in general. As a result, when "coming to terms" with everything and realizing we're not monsters, many seem to then take this one part of the psyche which has become a secret obsession--because talking about it felt forbidden--and magnify it into the primary aspect of personality. The lifelong repression and shame give way to a manic sort of entitlement that leads to speech and actions that, if done in most social circles in the heterosexual world, would probably be considered inappropriate, unhealthy, or otherwise puzzling.
I totally recognize there are more complexities to some people's stories, but these are some simplified versions of things I see fairly often.
Example 1:
When discovering others with similar experiences for the first time, there's an exciting, idealized over-identification and urge to make new best friends with every moho and share every little thought and "past transgression" (all aboard the PT train!) with these people based solely on homoness. Just being LDS wasn't enough to be bosom buddies with every LDS person, but suddenly queerness seems enough of a basis to form immediate and intense relationships. Then, when it goes all wrong or a guy/gal gets burned by one of these people they didn't know yesterday but just divulged every detail of their life to and into whom they invested all their energy, they retreat with all the dramatic flair of Richard Simmons, scrambling "back into the closet," safely away from the dangers of the moho world.
Example 2:
When discovering romantic feelings for the first time with someone else who returns those feelings, it's a total rush and feels amazing after so many years wondering what the *bleep* everyone has been so worked up over since puberty. It's beautiful and animating and euphoric, skipping along those pink, shimmery clouds of infatuation. It's just too dry and boring to step back and say, "Well, my religious beliefs conflict with pursuing this, and I need to figure a few things out first before jumping into something against my beliefs." So most don't. They just skip along in giddy bliss, ignoring inconvenient beliefs which might take the glimmer out of this newfound joy. But when the relationship goes sour, or gets too intense or too "real", many are snapped back to a sense of responsibility. They jump right back into church activity, turning to severe penitence and completely cutting off the now ex-friend who tempted them so awfully. They recommit to living a monk-like existence or immediately ask out a girl from their ward like they should have been doing all along. Gotta make up for lost time. They commit to never looking at another guy to avoid even the possibility of lusting again. Until it all becomes a pressure cooker again, and they fall for the next one, and the pattern repeats.
Example 3:
After discovering that kissing or making out with the same gender is WAY more fun than kissing or making out with the opposite gender, many gain the sense of entitlement in that regard, too: "If straight people are allowed to do it, so am I!" Suddenly, the fact that even straight people are expected to keep their paws off of each other's privates until marriage seems irrelevant because hey, it's just different for us, and we're entitled to a little 'happiness' too! Because they've spent their lives living by what felt like someone else's rules, they take their sense of entitlement to a whole new level.
There are plenty of other examples, but these will suffice, methinks. I think many such behaviors would, in most social circles, be looked on with humor, disgust, or puzzlement by most people, at the very least by most emotionally healthy ones. But somehow, when those of us in unique groups get so steeped in our little subcultures, we lose some ability to see clearly how our actions really affect ourselves and others around us, and how they are perceived by those outside of the subculture, or how...unusual they are.
On the other hand, I have to acknowledge that most of my life, I've had active LDS friends on the conservative side of the behavioral spectrum, so that's my paradigm, and I do recognize that a lot of straighties have similar patterns of sexual behavior. But I am speaking from what I've experienced and observed more closely.
I'll also reiterate that I understand not all cases are as simple as they appear, and I will also acknowledge that it's understandable that these things are done, given the years of bottling most of us do. But I just can't shake the disgust I feel when I see grown men indulging in embarrassingly immoderate and unseemly behavior patterns. I sheepishly include myself at times among those who have done things like that, or at least wanted to, though I like to think mine have been stints of such behavior more than patterns. *grin*
In any case, as I see it, this lack of moderation is fairly rampant among people who otherwise would be pretty moderate people. Entitlement replaces standards. Satisfaction obliterates consideration. Liberation demeans moderation. Appetite drowns reason. And to many outside onlookers, I promise you a lot of what happens in "moho culture" looks like a friggin' mess. I'm not trying to point fingers. If I was, I'd have to point to myself, as well. And gosh, that's uncomfortable. But really, folks, let's try to embarrass ourselves a little less and make our choices more deliberately by practicing a bit more moderation.
Incidentally, I'm speaking, as usual, from a primarily male perspective.
Most of us have spent much of our lives feeling freakish, evil, shameful, or otherwise thoroughly repressed when it comes to attraction, dating, or sexuality in general. As a result, when "coming to terms" with everything and realizing we're not monsters, many seem to then take this one part of the psyche which has become a secret obsession--because talking about it felt forbidden--and magnify it into the primary aspect of personality. The lifelong repression and shame give way to a manic sort of entitlement that leads to speech and actions that, if done in most social circles in the heterosexual world, would probably be considered inappropriate, unhealthy, or otherwise puzzling.
I totally recognize there are more complexities to some people's stories, but these are some simplified versions of things I see fairly often.
Example 1:
When discovering others with similar experiences for the first time, there's an exciting, idealized over-identification and urge to make new best friends with every moho and share every little thought and "past transgression" (all aboard the PT train!) with these people based solely on homoness. Just being LDS wasn't enough to be bosom buddies with every LDS person, but suddenly queerness seems enough of a basis to form immediate and intense relationships. Then, when it goes all wrong or a guy/gal gets burned by one of these people they didn't know yesterday but just divulged every detail of their life to and into whom they invested all their energy, they retreat with all the dramatic flair of Richard Simmons, scrambling "back into the closet," safely away from the dangers of the moho world.
Example 2:
When discovering romantic feelings for the first time with someone else who returns those feelings, it's a total rush and feels amazing after so many years wondering what the *bleep* everyone has been so worked up over since puberty. It's beautiful and animating and euphoric, skipping along those pink, shimmery clouds of infatuation. It's just too dry and boring to step back and say, "Well, my religious beliefs conflict with pursuing this, and I need to figure a few things out first before jumping into something against my beliefs." So most don't. They just skip along in giddy bliss, ignoring inconvenient beliefs which might take the glimmer out of this newfound joy. But when the relationship goes sour, or gets too intense or too "real", many are snapped back to a sense of responsibility. They jump right back into church activity, turning to severe penitence and completely cutting off the now ex-friend who tempted them so awfully. They recommit to living a monk-like existence or immediately ask out a girl from their ward like they should have been doing all along. Gotta make up for lost time. They commit to never looking at another guy to avoid even the possibility of lusting again. Until it all becomes a pressure cooker again, and they fall for the next one, and the pattern repeats.
Example 3:
After discovering that kissing or making out with the same gender is WAY more fun than kissing or making out with the opposite gender, many gain the sense of entitlement in that regard, too: "If straight people are allowed to do it, so am I!" Suddenly, the fact that even straight people are expected to keep their paws off of each other's privates until marriage seems irrelevant because hey, it's just different for us, and we're entitled to a little 'happiness' too! Because they've spent their lives living by what felt like someone else's rules, they take their sense of entitlement to a whole new level.
There are plenty of other examples, but these will suffice, methinks. I think many such behaviors would, in most social circles, be looked on with humor, disgust, or puzzlement by most people, at the very least by most emotionally healthy ones. But somehow, when those of us in unique groups get so steeped in our little subcultures, we lose some ability to see clearly how our actions really affect ourselves and others around us, and how they are perceived by those outside of the subculture, or how...unusual they are.
On the other hand, I have to acknowledge that most of my life, I've had active LDS friends on the conservative side of the behavioral spectrum, so that's my paradigm, and I do recognize that a lot of straighties have similar patterns of sexual behavior. But I am speaking from what I've experienced and observed more closely.
I'll also reiterate that I understand not all cases are as simple as they appear, and I will also acknowledge that it's understandable that these things are done, given the years of bottling most of us do. But I just can't shake the disgust I feel when I see grown men indulging in embarrassingly immoderate and unseemly behavior patterns. I sheepishly include myself at times among those who have done things like that, or at least wanted to, though I like to think mine have been stints of such behavior more than patterns. *grin*
In any case, as I see it, this lack of moderation is fairly rampant among people who otherwise would be pretty moderate people. Entitlement replaces standards. Satisfaction obliterates consideration. Liberation demeans moderation. Appetite drowns reason. And to many outside onlookers, I promise you a lot of what happens in "moho culture" looks like a friggin' mess. I'm not trying to point fingers. If I was, I'd have to point to myself, as well. And gosh, that's uncomfortable. But really, folks, let's try to embarrass ourselves a little less and make our choices more deliberately by practicing a bit more moderation.
Compartmentalization
*** Published 27 Oct 2010 ***
I wasn't going to comment on these examples but just mention them as illustrations. But this one I can't help but talk about a bit. As I've tried to integrate my life more, I've learned that I prefer for my closer friends to know about my attractions and to have them be as much a part of our interaction and conversation as anyone else's, not moreso. There are some people who don't need to know because it really doesn't affect our interactions or relationships, but I don't feel anxiety about people finding out. And as appealing as running away from the whole moho scene seems at times, I also know there are benefits from maintaining those ties, and going back to "pretending to be normal" just doesn't make much sense to me. I find life more rewarding when I can face it in all its reality. I do, however, recognize there are other circumstances which can justify a complete retreat at times for certain people, and I shy away from criticizing people who choose to do so. I don't know their situations. I just tend to think that more people do this extreme switch than necessary or even healthy. I've found the most peace and reconciliation in the previously uncomfortable task of bringing more aspects of my life and sociality together into one whole.
I wasn't going to comment on these examples but just mention them as illustrations. But this one I can't help but talk about a bit. As I've tried to integrate my life more, I've learned that I prefer for my closer friends to know about my attractions and to have them be as much a part of our interaction and conversation as anyone else's, not moreso. There are some people who don't need to know because it really doesn't affect our interactions or relationships, but I don't feel anxiety about people finding out. And as appealing as running away from the whole moho scene seems at times, I also know there are benefits from maintaining those ties, and going back to "pretending to be normal" just doesn't make much sense to me. I find life more rewarding when I can face it in all its reality. I do, however, recognize there are other circumstances which can justify a complete retreat at times for certain people, and I shy away from criticizing people who choose to do so. I don't know their situations. I just tend to think that more people do this extreme switch than necessary or even healthy. I've found the most peace and reconciliation in the previously uncomfortable task of bringing more aspects of my life and sociality together into one whole.
Sluttiness is Sluttiness
*** Published 27 Oct 2010 ***
It becomes easy to forget that a slut is a slut, whether we're talking about sex, kissing, cuddling, whatever. One type of sluttiness probably has greater eternal consequences than another, but seriously, when physicality becomes a way to "get yours" rather than part of a connection with another person, I think that's unattractive to most healthy people, regardless of gender or orientation.
It becomes easy to forget that a slut is a slut, whether we're talking about sex, kissing, cuddling, whatever. One type of sluttiness probably has greater eternal consequences than another, but seriously, when physicality becomes a way to "get yours" rather than part of a connection with another person, I think that's unattractive to most healthy people, regardless of gender or orientation.
22 April 2008
He Might Be a Moho If... (version 1.2)
I posted a newly revised and updated version of the old list on Northern Lights. Feel free to add items for the education of our not-so-clued-in friends.
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