19 May 2007

He Might Be a Moho If...

OK, if you've ever looked at your "soft male" co-worker and thought, "He's either gay or mormon," this is for you. I expect a little group participation here, because I am only one man with a limited perspective. I also am not adept, yet, at singling out female mohos, so I must speak from a male perspective. Now, you've got the stereotypes everyone already knows that indicate a fair degree of homoness (e.g. he has every Christina Aguilera album, or he is far too well dressed to even pass it off as "metrosexual", or he seems undaunted by ample cleavage bursting from a V-cut but loses all power of speech when the ripped, scantily-clad stud approaches at the pool party...yeah),...

Oh, sorry, I just lost all power of speech at the very thought. What I'm hoping is to make a list of some lesser-known, perhaps more subtle signs you may start noticing once made aware. This is to help family and friends "get a clue" to soften the blow when they are finally confronted with the fact that their good mormon boy thinks guys are sexy and would probably date and marry one if it were allowed:

1) A lot of nice girls want his attention because he's such a "nice guy" and "respects girls" and is "such a good priesthood holder", but they can't seem to turn his head no matter how they try.

2) He introduced you to the magic of musicals way back in junior high.

3) He's in his late twenties, fairly good-looking, good personality, has steadily dated only three or fewer girls, and you can't figure out why he's not married or even dating.

4) You're one of the few girls who have dated him, and he breaks it off with some vague reference about not knowing if he'll ever find a girl he's attracted to the way he "should be"...you may try to come up with various explanations for that, but come on.

5) He gives cute, creative, crafty gifts to all of his friends each holiday.

6) He is the fastest, most meticulously artful little gift-wrapper Deseret Book has ever hired.

7) He starred in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat in middle school and loved every minute of it.

8) When he refers to the type of "person" he's attracted to, pay attention to whether he EVER indicates a gender. Just a thought.

9) He does a double-take when an attractive male enters the room. SERIOUSLY, folks, we do this ALL THE TIME, and nobody seems willing to realize it.

10) He idolizes Emma Smith. ...and the BYU Men's Chorus. ...and Mindy Gledhill. *wink*

11) He wears women's jeans. COME ON, people! (Note to friends who wear women's jeans: I hope you can forgive me for this one)

12) He randomly bursts out exuberantly into "You're gonna be popular", particularly the "La La" part.

13) Banana Republic, Diesel, 2(x)ist...these are all warning signs.

14) He owns International Male and Abercrombie catalogs, yet he never buys anything from them...He owns copies of Exercise (for Men Only) and GQ, yet you never see him reading them...or exercising...

15) Watch his eyes during a kissing or love scene--is he even noticing there's a woman there?

16) When introduced to people, he always connects with the good-looking guy first.

I could keep going and may revise it later, but I think I'll stop here and leave the rest to anyone who may wish to add to the list, including our female counterparts out there who can enlighten us.


AttemptingthePath said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA Have you ever seen me gift wrap? I'm wicked good. This post was AMAZING.

playasinmar said...

17) He owns vast stores of techno music.

18) He owns every Karaoke video game.

Abelard Enigma said...

OK, the only ones that fits me are #9 and #15 (and maybe a little of #16). Does that mean I'm not gay afterall?

You're a genius!!! You've cured me!!! I'm straight!!!

Now where is my International Male catalog? ...

Kengo Biddles said...

The guy-greeting could be viewed as male-chauvinism ... a thought.

Original Mohomie said...

Yes, Kengo, but put into context with the other signs, and noting that it's always the good-looking one he connects with first, it's a piece to a much larger puzzle. :-)

Original Mohomie said...

Abelard, in my opinion, numbers 9 and 15 are perhaps the biggest, yet often the most subtle, giveaways in the list. Congratulations -- you can stay in the club.

AtP, I have not seen you giftwrap, but I have heard of your mad skills. They are the things of legend.

17 and 18 duly noted and adopted into the list. Thank-you.

Abelard Enigma said...

Congratulations -- you can stay in the club.

Awwww, does that mean I have to take back the circular saw I just bought?

Hidden said...

19) He carries a murse. Um, hello?
20) He has lotion... or a nail file when a girl is in crisis.
21) He color-coordinates his footwear to the rest of his wardrobe.
22) He's more enthusiastic at the mall than his female shopping buddies.

OMG I love Mindy Gledhill!!! Aiee!!

Damn... I must be gay.


Brady said...

LOL - Very clever.

Just today I went to an Elder's Quorum BBQ and partway through started wondering, 'How can these guys not know I'm gay!?' Seriously though, I was wearing tight jeans and a designer shirt to a BBQ. I made friends with all the good looking guys and did several very obvious double-takes. One friend even joked at one point about how I'm not dating and don't care to. But they all still seem to remain clueless.

Thanks for the list anyway. Just when I was thinking I wasn't "obvious" you helped me realize that I am, in fact, still gay.

Max Power said...

23. Owns a speedo, but doesn't participate in any competitive water sports.

Kengo Biddles said...

Damn, Max. That last one sinks me.

And Brady, I think most str8s like to delude themselves, unless they're 'phobes, and even then...

Greg said...

24 - He buys his temple pants at the gap. (This is especially true if numbers 8 and 19 are also involved.)

PS, funny story - I gave the commencement address at SUU a couple of weeks ago and I dropped the moho bomb in the middle of my speech. So I basically came out - albeit subtly - to about 5000 people. One of my friends said when she heard me say 'moho' she about fell out of her seat because she was laughing so hard. Just thought you'd be interested.

Original Mohomie said...

LOVE the commencement story. And the new items. Thanks, all. But seriously, I'm going to need to know just a bit more about your 'moho' slip. That's wonderful.

AttemptingthePath said...

...I also love Mindy Gledhill. and i got my first pair of diesel shoes when I was in the 6th grade. ive owned probably 15-20 pair throughout my days.

aaaand I wanna hear more about the moho slip. greg, you should work on that.

Stephalumpagus said...

25. Loves/owns IQD.
26. Has an anonymous blog and updates it religiously.

PS my gaydar is so much better than it used to be. thanks you guys. :)

Greg said...

Well, it wasn't really a slip - I did it on purpose. My main mohomie said "Hey, give me a shout out in your speech!" So I found a place where it would be noticeable, but not awkward, and I slipped it in. Ironically enough, he didn't hear it. He's probably the only one. My friends that know heard it, his sister heard it, but he didn't - punk. If you want to see the moment live you can see my speech at http://www.suu.edu/sutv/webcast.html
just click on the link that says "108th annual commencement"
I have yet to watch the video because you need Windows Media player, and I have a mac, but I've heard good things.

27 - Wears white socks only on occasion.

Original Mohomie said...

Greg--I may have to watch that sometime, just to view that bit of history in the making. One day, Merriam-Webster will report that the first known public use of 'moho' occurred in a commencement speech...

Oh, and I thought of one in the car today leaving the gym:

28) When caught checking out a guy, he immediately scans the room like he was just scanning all along. ...or he looks the girl next to the guy up and down like he was just sizing up his competition for a piece of that...

Original Mohomie said...

...not that I've ever done that. I mean--*shaw*--what kind of loser does that...at the gym... *sigh*

Greg said...

While walking through the mall he shoots a casual glance in the Victoria's Secret window, but lingers at American Eagle or A & F.

When confronted with the underwear section at Target (or other applicable store) one of two things occurs: He either avoids it like the plague, or spends an inordinate amount of time 'browsing' - option two is especially true if he wears garments.

Danish Boy said...

29) Color coordinates his clothing with colored contacts that match. That might be classified as OCD. :)

30) Shops at Ikea at least once a week for trendy cheap furniture while checking out the gay population.

John said...

HA HA HA HA HA!!!! "world traveler, moho, graduate". That was great! For anyone wanting to watch, fast forward to 55:30. Props to you greg!!! I was thinking of adding moho to Wikipedia.

Greg said...

I watched the speech video, here's some important info for those interested:
My speech starts at about 53 minutes into the video, and the moho bomb falls at about 55 and a half. So skip forward. The speech is about 8 minutes long if you wanna watch the whole thing. The phrase to listen for is "Words define our world - ever-changing, diverse, overpopulate; our communities - charming, quaint, Festival City USA; and even our own selves - world-traveler, moho, graudate." I think I was a bit apprehensive because 'moho' is kind of quiet. Still noticable, but quiet.

On another note - Target is selling hats right now that say "Everybody loves a HOHO" as in the hostess snack cake. However, with some cheap felt and a little creative stitching they could easily say "Everbody loves a MOHO." I think we may have a winner here.

iwonder said...

I just watched the video, Greg. Pretty awesome man. I wish I had the Chutzpah to say such a thing in public. And yes, we should definitely all get those hats. What colours do they come in?

And John, please add MoHo to wikipedia. That would be splendid.

31) Gets really defensive of gays when his friends start to bash them, and seems to know much more about the issue than any straight person should, even one with "really close gay friends".

That was very autobiographical.

stu said...

from your cute seattle mohomie :) just testing this comment thing out before I post on someone else's blog. I want to see how it works first. Oh, and I guess I'll contribute... he might be a moho if:

he knows the names of each of the backstreet boys (Howie, Nick, Brian, A.J., and Kevin, fyi)

Amanda Davis said...

She might be a Moho if

-She's "one of the guys" and refuses to participate in Craft Night with the girls.-

-When the other young women giggle about their Wedding Night, she adamantly insists that she will be wearing full footie PJs.

-She hates Sherri Dew with a vengeance.

-Her favorite apostle is Eyering.

-She wears the same thing to church every Sunday and would wear pants if her mother permitted it.

-Her favorite movie is Fight Club.