While listening to a playlist tonight (the one on my blog, actually), Diana Krall's A Case of You (originally by Joni Mitchell) played (I can't embed it, but the linked video of a live performance is so great), and I realized I didn't used to like that song (I thought it was boring) but now really like it and what it evokes.
So guess what I've spent the last hour or so doing? Yep, YouTubing Diana Krall music videos to review all of the reasons I fell in love with her music and how many of her songs "speak to me". Ah, good times.
And while exploring, I ran across this, which just plain made me smile. I love Nancy Wilson's signature style in this song, and Bill Cosby's antics, and the infectious jazz spirit which won me over years ago in my small hometown with a world-class jazz festival, which happens to be where I first heard and fell for Diana Krall when she sang "Peel Me a Grape" with all the saucy sass I could hope to find...y'know, in a woman:
Showing posts with label Music. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Music. Show all posts
17 February 2011
11 February 2011
Music lessons
'Technically accurate' is not necessarily moving or life-changing. The soul of a piece is in the living responsiveness between music and musician. A piece can be played technically perfectly with or without soul, but I think music more often comes alive when the dynamics and tempo are an extension of the unification of musician and instrument, breathing together, rather than repetition of fixed writing on a page.
Sometimes, you have to focus on the mechanics and technicalities, and the result is moving not because it moved you but because others were moved by the power of the product of your focus, and the satisfaction of seeing they've experienced something is rewarding. Sometimes, to fully impact others, you have to lose yourself in the process and stop focusing on your own experience.
There is energy in a well-played pause. There's incredible beauty and ecstasy in the tension created by well-placed pauses and contrasting dynamics, much more so than if you just steadily crescendo, increasing volume and speed until climax. It's often in those pauses, tension, or restraint--especially when combined with almost frighteningly on-the-verge-of-losing-control intensity--that you tune into each note or chord along the way and find a more complete, resonant whole.
It's not like riding a bike: it takes increasing discipline to keep it alive. Performing the same piece over and over requires constant attention to rhythm and dynamics, playing it every time like it's the first and last performance you will ever give.
There's something to be savored in the minor chords and dissonance. Something ultimately uplifting in the evocation of hidden, resonant tones longing for release, and in the way the very existence of the minor often seems to be exactly what makes the major worthwhile.
There are times to set aside the exacting techniques you've learned are required. There are some pieces which demand different styles than the specific, formal techniques in order to be performed correctly or with any impact. In some cases, the correct technique is to purposefully defy certain rules. For example, African choral music never sounds right when performed by BYU choirs; they don't seem to understand this.
Sometimes, if you just listen carefully and tune your ears to the music around you, you ultimately play better. When you rejoin the chorus with more focus on harmony, you blend for a richer, more beautiful sound. You can't make anyone else do this. It's up to each person.
By quieting yourself entirely and only listening, letting the music resonate and fill you, or playing something which feels like a release of what you're feeling, thoughts quiet into pure feeling, which can be instructive, releasing, and healing.
There are probably more, but I was just thinking about how many of the principles I learned in piano playing and in jazz choir performance apply to various aspects of life in general. True principles are all around us. A joy of life is learning how and where to apply them in daily life.
Sometimes, you have to focus on the mechanics and technicalities, and the result is moving not because it moved you but because others were moved by the power of the product of your focus, and the satisfaction of seeing they've experienced something is rewarding. Sometimes, to fully impact others, you have to lose yourself in the process and stop focusing on your own experience.
There is energy in a well-played pause. There's incredible beauty and ecstasy in the tension created by well-placed pauses and contrasting dynamics, much more so than if you just steadily crescendo, increasing volume and speed until climax. It's often in those pauses, tension, or restraint--especially when combined with almost frighteningly on-the-verge-of-losing-control intensity--that you tune into each note or chord along the way and find a more complete, resonant whole.
It's not like riding a bike: it takes increasing discipline to keep it alive. Performing the same piece over and over requires constant attention to rhythm and dynamics, playing it every time like it's the first and last performance you will ever give.
There's something to be savored in the minor chords and dissonance. Something ultimately uplifting in the evocation of hidden, resonant tones longing for release, and in the way the very existence of the minor often seems to be exactly what makes the major worthwhile.
There are times to set aside the exacting techniques you've learned are required. There are some pieces which demand different styles than the specific, formal techniques in order to be performed correctly or with any impact. In some cases, the correct technique is to purposefully defy certain rules. For example, African choral music never sounds right when performed by BYU choirs; they don't seem to understand this.
Sometimes, if you just listen carefully and tune your ears to the music around you, you ultimately play better. When you rejoin the chorus with more focus on harmony, you blend for a richer, more beautiful sound. You can't make anyone else do this. It's up to each person.
By quieting yourself entirely and only listening, letting the music resonate and fill you, or playing something which feels like a release of what you're feeling, thoughts quiet into pure feeling, which can be instructive, releasing, and healing.
There are probably more, but I was just thinking about how many of the principles I learned in piano playing and in jazz choir performance apply to various aspects of life in general. True principles are all around us. A joy of life is learning how and where to apply them in daily life.
21 January 2011
Pearls Before Swine
Enjoy this video of a performance of the song which happened to play on my media player as I wrote this blog post and which felt so appropriate as I wrote that I decided to throw it in as a sort of soundtrack for the sheer, unadulterated heck of it:
I have had many thoughts, experiences, and relationships which have been sacred to me in various ways. Sometimes I want to share bits of them to illustrate principles or expound ideas. Sometimes I want to share them just because their beauty seems worth expressing. Sometimes I want to invite challenge and clarification of ideas and theories. But I sometimes have feared treating something special too lightly or defiling it by bringing into public scrutiny, like a flower which begins to die when picked for the vase, or a poem whose original meaning is completely perverted by masses who project into it their own more accessible ideas. I also, admittedly, have probably subconsciously feared having closely held paradigms blown apart by being brought to light and thereby scrutinized and revealed as not quite how they looked inside my mind. If I never ask Mom and Dad about Santa, I don't have to know. If I never share my special experience, I never have to find out I'm not the only one. If I never express my love, he won't have a chance to reject it.
It's easier to remember things how you want to when you don't bring them up with others who have conflicting memories, it's easier to believe you're right when you don't expose yourself to challenging notions, and it's easier to cling to romanticized feelings about beliefs or people if you keep them locked away from probing questions or avoid current interactions.
Particularly when it comes to polarizing issues, I think this scriptural passage often is used in defense of a faulty idea. I think that behind a mask of, "There's no point in discussing certain things in a public forum when they are better discussed in intimate settings, with receptive minds and open hearts," is hidden the truer motivation of keeping ideas behind closed doors where enemies can't run with a concession or challenge a theory with credible arguments, or in more manipulative cases, a recognition that keeping the "real" arguments private keeps the opposition hacking away at straw men, making them look more ignorant and less intelligent when potential disciples start to learn the real facts. The gay activist never publicly discusses gay culture's rampant promiscuity and substance abuse, sacrificing solution-seeking to avoiding confirmation of stereotypes. The reparative therapy mentor discusses masculinity detachment theories only with thirsty minds more interested in well-defined steps for escape than in critical analysis. But that's beside the point...sort of. OK, not really. In criticizing this tendency, I cannot deny I may be doing something similar all the time in my own blind ways, despite thinking I'm pretty WYSIWYG. Ah, the easy pitfalls of diplomacy and endeavoring to change paradigms. It's tricky business, isn't it?
According to that interpretation, I may risk throwing some pearls in the coming months. I'm still debating what to say or how. I have admissions left to make which might tempt self-appointed experts on either side of a given argument to analyze my life as if they know enough to piece it all together in their little boxes. I have intellectual concessions to lay out which people might pick up and run with in any of a number of directions faster than I have energy or interest to catch up. I have questions which might actually be answered if asked, and not by those whom I respect or like or support but who might sometimes be right in ways which could make me cringe or could make me jaded, or they could be unanswered when I so hoped for someone to answer. It's all a bit of an uneasy prospect, but this whole personal blogging thing is kinda like that. And the question always accompanies the brink, "What for?"
"Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." - Matthew 7:6
I have had many thoughts, experiences, and relationships which have been sacred to me in various ways. Sometimes I want to share bits of them to illustrate principles or expound ideas. Sometimes I want to share them just because their beauty seems worth expressing. Sometimes I want to invite challenge and clarification of ideas and theories. But I sometimes have feared treating something special too lightly or defiling it by bringing into public scrutiny, like a flower which begins to die when picked for the vase, or a poem whose original meaning is completely perverted by masses who project into it their own more accessible ideas. I also, admittedly, have probably subconsciously feared having closely held paradigms blown apart by being brought to light and thereby scrutinized and revealed as not quite how they looked inside my mind. If I never ask Mom and Dad about Santa, I don't have to know. If I never share my special experience, I never have to find out I'm not the only one. If I never express my love, he won't have a chance to reject it.
It's easier to remember things how you want to when you don't bring them up with others who have conflicting memories, it's easier to believe you're right when you don't expose yourself to challenging notions, and it's easier to cling to romanticized feelings about beliefs or people if you keep them locked away from probing questions or avoid current interactions.
Particularly when it comes to polarizing issues, I think this scriptural passage often is used in defense of a faulty idea. I think that behind a mask of, "There's no point in discussing certain things in a public forum when they are better discussed in intimate settings, with receptive minds and open hearts," is hidden the truer motivation of keeping ideas behind closed doors where enemies can't run with a concession or challenge a theory with credible arguments, or in more manipulative cases, a recognition that keeping the "real" arguments private keeps the opposition hacking away at straw men, making them look more ignorant and less intelligent when potential disciples start to learn the real facts. The gay activist never publicly discusses gay culture's rampant promiscuity and substance abuse, sacrificing solution-seeking to avoiding confirmation of stereotypes. The reparative therapy mentor discusses masculinity detachment theories only with thirsty minds more interested in well-defined steps for escape than in critical analysis. But that's beside the point...sort of. OK, not really. In criticizing this tendency, I cannot deny I may be doing something similar all the time in my own blind ways, despite thinking I'm pretty WYSIWYG. Ah, the easy pitfalls of diplomacy and endeavoring to change paradigms. It's tricky business, isn't it?
According to that interpretation, I may risk throwing some pearls in the coming months. I'm still debating what to say or how. I have admissions left to make which might tempt self-appointed experts on either side of a given argument to analyze my life as if they know enough to piece it all together in their little boxes. I have intellectual concessions to lay out which people might pick up and run with in any of a number of directions faster than I have energy or interest to catch up. I have questions which might actually be answered if asked, and not by those whom I respect or like or support but who might sometimes be right in ways which could make me cringe or could make me jaded, or they could be unanswered when I so hoped for someone to answer. It's all a bit of an uneasy prospect, but this whole personal blogging thing is kinda like that. And the question always accompanies the brink, "What for?"
18 January 2011
22 December 2010
06 December 2010
Atheist Christmas Carol
If I recall correctly from when I first heard her perform this years ago, she said she named it this for lack of a better name, because it was a song about the Christmas season but having nothing to do with the religious aspect. Ha, it's a beautiful song, whatever the name origin. Gosh, I wanna sit down with her sometime.
15 October 2010
You have been loved
This song is one of my favorites from a really talented Australian artist, Sia, who is one of the most evocative singers I've seen live, despite her initially bubbly, girlish demeanor. It played in my mix of music tonight while driving home from a friend's house where part of the discussion was about my summer romance. I found myself thinking, "Hm, it's late, and I'm tired, and I've talked about the breakup tonight and listened to this evocative song which is apropos (minus the substance use references), but I've not broken down at all and feel tenderness for what is in the past, healing over with optimism for whatever's ahead. Good sign." I won't go into details of conflicted feelings over letting go vs. holding on "just in case" (which I remind myself is a fantasy) or having had a rough day last Sunday: those don't matter because today has been good, and I see no option but to keep letting go and moving on. And tomorrows will be better.
You shot me up, yeah
You filled my cup, oh
You sailed my boat
You were my last hope
You took my very last hope away
Oh you, you have been loved by someone good
And you, you will be loved by somebody good
You have been loved
You dropped the bomb
And now you’re gone
I held you dear
You swallowed my fears
And now I’ve drunk my last beer with you
Oh you, you have been loved by someone good
And you, you will be loved
Oh will you ever know
That the bitterness and anger left me long ago
Only sadness remains
And it will pass
Yeah you you will be loved by somebody good
By somebody good
Incidentally, if you aren't familiar with Sia's music but are interested, get familiar with it and her earlier work with Zero 7. Hers was one of the most enjoyable, emonerdindietastic concerts I've been to. It opened like this but on a stage like the one in the above video:
You shot me up, yeah
You filled my cup, oh
You sailed my boat
You were my last hope
You took my very last hope away
Oh you, you have been loved by someone good
And you, you will be loved by somebody good
You have been loved
You dropped the bomb
And now you’re gone
I held you dear
You swallowed my fears
And now I’ve drunk my last beer with you
Oh you, you have been loved by someone good
And you, you will be loved
Oh will you ever know
That the bitterness and anger left me long ago
Only sadness remains
And it will pass
Yeah you you will be loved by somebody good
By somebody good
Incidentally, if you aren't familiar with Sia's music but are interested, get familiar with it and her earlier work with Zero 7. Hers was one of the most enjoyable, emonerdindietastic concerts I've been to. It opened like this but on a stage like the one in the above video:
06 October 2010
Hot tub happiness
Tonight at the gym, while I was soaking in the hot tub, the busily bobbing water aerobics class in the adjacent pool pleasantly popped up and down to the happy beat of Somewhere Over the Rainbow performed by Israel Kamakawiwoʻole.
(kind of an odd video in parts, but I suspect it's somehow appropriate to his personality)
As I sat there looking up at the tiles on the ceiling, musing about eye contact with the really nice-seeming and attractive guy in the pool I knew I'd be interested in if I were more "over it" and the slight absurdity of how we "work" all day then make fitness into a recreation in and of itself, a feeling of profound peace and well-being washed over me as I caught some of the lyrics: someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me...and the dream that you dare to...why, then, oh why can't I...
There was no clear revelation, no indication of why things would be OK, or how, just a peaceful feeling I decided I needed no explanation for and would just take in. I opted to entertain confidence, or faith, that there is beauty and happiness and a future full of experiences of all kinds to learn from and confront and enjoy, and pain to compel me to learn and grow and find more strength and happiness to meet the next barrage of challenges. And somehow, it felt right to trust that hope and peace, even if it was induced by the conspiring efforts of warm, vibrating water and a simple song which echoed fond childhood memories.
(kind of an odd video in parts, but I suspect it's somehow appropriate to his personality)
As I sat there looking up at the tiles on the ceiling, musing about eye contact with the really nice-seeming and attractive guy in the pool I knew I'd be interested in if I were more "over it" and the slight absurdity of how we "work" all day then make fitness into a recreation in and of itself, a feeling of profound peace and well-being washed over me as I caught some of the lyrics: someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me...and the dream that you dare to...why, then, oh why can't I...
There was no clear revelation, no indication of why things would be OK, or how, just a peaceful feeling I decided I needed no explanation for and would just take in. I opted to entertain confidence, or faith, that there is beauty and happiness and a future full of experiences of all kinds to learn from and confront and enjoy, and pain to compel me to learn and grow and find more strength and happiness to meet the next barrage of challenges. And somehow, it felt right to trust that hope and peace, even if it was induced by the conspiring efforts of warm, vibrating water and a simple song which echoed fond childhood memories.
29 April 2010
Show Me Your...Guiltiest Pleasure Ever
I hung out with a couple of friends tonight, and somehow I was reminded of a certain "unofficial" music video made to a dentistry-dedicated song by a fame-crazed, formerly jazzy, low-key singer-songwriter turned psycho-fashion pop idol. I mentioned it, but they hadn't seen it, and was going to show them the video, but I decided against it. It's just too much, too provocative, too in-your-face sinfulicious... I'm not one to deny I have passion, but I'm also trying to keep conversations constructive and the media I absorb more enriching and enlightening than base and vulgar. But sometimes, I am such a "natural man".
For those of you not familiar with this video, we're talking in-your-face, over-the-top gayness between two really hot guys. If you described the video to me, I'd scoff and say it sounded ridiculous. It's a trashy, cheesy display of vampire debauchery. ...A trashy, cheesy display of vampire debauchery that gets me all hot and bothered, biting either my lip or my knuckle uncontrollably until it's over and I'm released from it's hypnotic, heart-pounding grasp, and I wipe the trickle of sweat from my forehead. OK, so maybe it's not that intense, but I mean, get me a whip right now if that's what's tied up on the other end. No, wait, that's not my style. ...is it? *tense whimper* *wicked grin* *shrug*
Guiltiest pleasure ever. Shameful. Putting aside my hot vampire would be a true test of my resolve to focus on things which are uplifting and meaningful...maybe I'll just watch it one more time before deciding...oh, those eyes...nope, I'm not ready to put it aside quite yet. Maybe tomorrow.
For those of you not familiar with this video, we're talking in-your-face, over-the-top gayness between two really hot guys. If you described the video to me, I'd scoff and say it sounded ridiculous. It's a trashy, cheesy display of vampire debauchery. ...A trashy, cheesy display of vampire debauchery that gets me all hot and bothered, biting either my lip or my knuckle uncontrollably until it's over and I'm released from it's hypnotic, heart-pounding grasp, and I wipe the trickle of sweat from my forehead. OK, so maybe it's not that intense, but I mean, get me a whip right now if that's what's tied up on the other end. No, wait, that's not my style. ...is it? *tense whimper* *wicked grin* *shrug*
Guiltiest pleasure ever. Shameful. Putting aside my hot vampire would be a true test of my resolve to focus on things which are uplifting and meaningful...maybe I'll just watch it one more time before deciding...oh, those eyes...nope, I'm not ready to put it aside quite yet. Maybe tomorrow.
20 March 2010
His Interest Is In Girls
So, there's a certain adorable "Idol" winner whose name I'm not going to mention because I don't want the random Google guests stumbling into my neck of the blogosphere in search of gossip about whether he likes boys. I think he seems like a good kid, and I also think younger guys shouldn't be hounded about their sexuality, though it is natural for people to be curious. As I was tonight. I wanted to see what people were saying about him, so I searched. I know, I should be ashamed of myself, seeking out the gossip I find distasteful. I slapped myself on the wrist before clicking further. I found several references to an answer he apparently gave a Malaysian interviewer when asked about the gay rumors, which people are quoting as "proof" that he's not gay:
I have to say that is some really smooth wording, really well executed! I wonder if he was coached on that response? Whether he's hetero and was trying not to sound like he was disgusted by the suggestion, or whether he's homo and was playing a mental slight of hand, it was well fielded and focused.
It took me back to when I found ways to answer such questions in honest but "directed" ways, to satisfy curiosity and thereby evade further questioning while directing attention to what I believed was most important in the answer. Some would say I'm just trying to make everyone gay in even thinking such a "clear" answer as "my interest is in girls" could mean anything except that he's straight, but I suspect those are mostly people who don't know, firsthand, the workings of the mind of a young guy whose beliefs conflict with his attractions. "My interest is in girls," to such a young man, does not mean, "I'm primarily sexually and romantically attracted to females and don't experience homosexual inclinations." It's a declaration of what one wants in life, regardless of sexual orientation. It's a statement that regardless of whether guys are more attractive, a gay relationship is not the goal but rather a relationship with a wife and children. And it's a lot easier than trying to explain, to a casual, pop-culture, worldwide audience, that you're gay in the sense that you're attracted to members of the same sex but not gay in the sense that you seek out same-sex relationships and that what you hope for is to find a girl you can marry despite this inherent challenge in such a hypothetical relationship...
But who knows? Maybe he meant, "No, I'm not gay," or, "I'm attracted to girls and not guys." Whatever he really meant by it, his response seems to have put many fans at ease to finally have some kind of definitive answer from him, even while some will simply believe what they want regardless of what he says. The kid's really young, and he has a lot to experience and figure out, and he should be allowed to do that without everyone trying to shove him into a box or mold to fit their paradigms and defend their egos. ...but I still think of him as the world's most-loved moho. Is that wrong of me? ;-)
I have to say that is some really smooth wording, really well executed! I wonder if he was coached on that response? Whether he's hetero and was trying not to sound like he was disgusted by the suggestion, or whether he's homo and was playing a mental slight of hand, it was well fielded and focused.
It took me back to when I found ways to answer such questions in honest but "directed" ways, to satisfy curiosity and thereby evade further questioning while directing attention to what I believed was most important in the answer. Some would say I'm just trying to make everyone gay in even thinking such a "clear" answer as "my interest is in girls" could mean anything except that he's straight, but I suspect those are mostly people who don't know, firsthand, the workings of the mind of a young guy whose beliefs conflict with his attractions. "My interest is in girls," to such a young man, does not mean, "I'm primarily sexually and romantically attracted to females and don't experience homosexual inclinations." It's a declaration of what one wants in life, regardless of sexual orientation. It's a statement that regardless of whether guys are more attractive, a gay relationship is not the goal but rather a relationship with a wife and children. And it's a lot easier than trying to explain, to a casual, pop-culture, worldwide audience, that you're gay in the sense that you're attracted to members of the same sex but not gay in the sense that you seek out same-sex relationships and that what you hope for is to find a girl you can marry despite this inherent challenge in such a hypothetical relationship...
But who knows? Maybe he meant, "No, I'm not gay," or, "I'm attracted to girls and not guys." Whatever he really meant by it, his response seems to have put many fans at ease to finally have some kind of definitive answer from him, even while some will simply believe what they want regardless of what he says. The kid's really young, and he has a lot to experience and figure out, and he should be allowed to do that without everyone trying to shove him into a box or mold to fit their paradigms and defend their egos. ...but I still think of him as the world's most-loved moho. Is that wrong of me? ;-)
02 July 2009
Crying at a Crappy Gay Musical
I went to a musical tonight called Zanna, Don't! at the Seattle Center with several friends. I'd been wanting to see some quirky theater for a while, and I went skeptically looking forward to it, and it pleasantly surprised me. Yes, it was a small, low-budget production, and no, the singers were not Broadway stars nor were the set or props particularly impressive, but it was very fun, very whimsical, and very, very gay. Most of it is ribbing cultural prejudices and stereotypes, and some of it is fairly thought-provoking, usually in a fun way, not taking itself too seriously. Yet, as I sat there half laughing at myself, I teared up during one of the more serious songs, Do You Know What It's Like?, because it was so close to home.
Background story: The story takes place in a high school in a world where gay is the norm, and a somewhat self-sacrificing guy named Zanna uses magic to help everyone find and fall in love with their perfect match. Since the guys' story is what I identified with, I'll ignore the girls (I know, what's new, right?). Mike (in this case an adorable, thin blond boy) found his perfect match in Steve, the quarterback and star in the school's musical which Mike wrote about a controversial topic: heterosexuals in the military. (Spoilers ahead) As part of his role, Steve has to kiss the girl lead, Kate, which he almost refuses to do because it's gross and contrary to his conservative upbringing, but he does, and by the time they finish performing, Steve and Kate discover that they've fallen for each other and are confused about their heterosexuality and struggling to know how to deal with it in a society which frowns upon people of opposite genders being romantically involved. When Kate's girlfriend and Mike find out about it, they have to deal with being in love with people who don't love them back like they thought they did, and Steve and Kate are trying to understand their love for each other and for the ones they've realized they aren't in love with.
When Mike sang, a line particularly stood out: "Do you know what it's like...to have my heart still love you when my mind knows it's not true?" I knew exactly what that was like. I've felt it, and it bothered me at the time, that my heart wouldn't listen to my head. I wouldn't have quite identified or fully understood that a couple of years ago, but I get it now, and in an odd way, maybe, I'm glad I do.
That kinda got the ball rolling, but what really brought the tears was Steve's part, and it surprised me how much I felt as he sang the lines. I thought of one female friend in particular, and I smiled sadly as I wept remembering what that was like and how I couldn't fully explain to her what I was feeling. I've been on both sides of Mike and Steve's story, and they both were hard in different ways.
...Then things got light and fun again, and I wiped my eyes dry and resumed laughing out loud.
Background story: The story takes place in a high school in a world where gay is the norm, and a somewhat self-sacrificing guy named Zanna uses magic to help everyone find and fall in love with their perfect match. Since the guys' story is what I identified with, I'll ignore the girls (I know, what's new, right?). Mike (in this case an adorable, thin blond boy) found his perfect match in Steve, the quarterback and star in the school's musical which Mike wrote about a controversial topic: heterosexuals in the military. (Spoilers ahead) As part of his role, Steve has to kiss the girl lead, Kate, which he almost refuses to do because it's gross and contrary to his conservative upbringing, but he does, and by the time they finish performing, Steve and Kate discover that they've fallen for each other and are confused about their heterosexuality and struggling to know how to deal with it in a society which frowns upon people of opposite genders being romantically involved. When Kate's girlfriend and Mike find out about it, they have to deal with being in love with people who don't love them back like they thought they did, and Steve and Kate are trying to understand their love for each other and for the ones they've realized they aren't in love with.
When Mike sang, a line particularly stood out: "Do you know what it's like...to have my heart still love you when my mind knows it's not true?" I knew exactly what that was like. I've felt it, and it bothered me at the time, that my heart wouldn't listen to my head. I wouldn't have quite identified or fully understood that a couple of years ago, but I get it now, and in an odd way, maybe, I'm glad I do.
That kinda got the ball rolling, but what really brought the tears was Steve's part, and it surprised me how much I felt as he sang the lines. I thought of one female friend in particular, and I smiled sadly as I wept remembering what that was like and how I couldn't fully explain to her what I was feeling. I've been on both sides of Mike and Steve's story, and they both were hard in different ways.
MIKE: Do you know what it's like
To be in love with you,
To have my heart still love you
When my mind knows it's not true?
Do you know what it's like
To be in love with you,
Not to remember what my life was like
Before I first met you?
Do you know what it's like when I lie in bed
And I think of you and the things you've said,
How they're almost exactly all the things that I've said, too?
But there's one word missing and it comes before "love"?
And I think it doesn't matter, what we have is enough,
But what we have isn't "in" so I don't know what to do?
Oh, do you know?
STEVE: Do you know what it's like
Not to be in love with you,
Not to have my heart obey
What my mind wants to be true?
Do you know what it's like
Not to be in love with you,
But to like you, love you, cherish you,
idolize you and protect you?
Do you know what it's like to look into your eyes
And see what I know you don't see in mine
Though I pray it might be so the whole night through.
Do you know what it's like
to have to let go of your hand
and to start another life, a life I don't understand,
and live the rest of my life knowing how much I've hurt you?
Oh, do you know?
...Then things got light and fun again, and I wiped my eyes dry and resumed laughing out loud.
22 May 2009
Good Weather for Airstrikes
I ran across this video on another blog (the chap seems to have some good taste) *wink*, and I wanted to re-share it. It's a music video for a Sigur Rós song, Viðrar vel til loftárása (lyrics and translation here). Their music, and especially their videos, are richly evocative. I'd say they're simultaneously heavily ethereal and beautifully raw, but I feel like I'm out of my league trying to describe them. Anyway, their videos have a way of sort of taking my breath away. I was originally introduced to Sigur Rós by a good friend, and I'd seen some of their videos on YouTube, but this one was new to me.
Being the way I am, I'm tempted to temper its emotionality with analytical balance. But I'll leave it to speak for itself other than to say what was more powerful to me than the story portrayed is the theme of destroying innocent tenderness and purity with fear and prejudice (the opening scene had me fully in tears--guess it struck a cord).
Note: I meant to post the version with English subtitles, so after-the-fact, here it is:
Being the way I am, I'm tempted to temper its emotionality with analytical balance. But I'll leave it to speak for itself other than to say what was more powerful to me than the story portrayed is the theme of destroying innocent tenderness and purity with fear and prejudice (the opening scene had me fully in tears--guess it struck a cord).
Note: I meant to post the version with English subtitles, so after-the-fact, here it is:
14 February 2008
Getting Through the Woods
I heard someone say, the other day, "We're not out of the woods yet," and I thought of this blog entry, which I actually started several weeks ago but never finished/posted. Sometimes, parts of familiar stories or music or art stand out to you because of your current experiences or recent thoughts. I had one such experience while listening to this musical in my car a while back.For those not familiar with Into the Woods, it's a funny and, at times, poignant Stephen Sondheim musical involving several fairy tale characters mashed into one story, interconnected, with a couple of extra people thrown in as glue, especially the Baker and the Baker's Wife.
The whole musical has so many themes, it's hard to touch on them all. It's an allegory on life and going "Into the Woods", which is, as I see it, going into the unknown, greyer, or trying parts of life. The theme which probably most stands out to me, is that of leaving the contented safety of quotidian life to pursue dreams, or help someone, or conquer dangers, and the growth that can come of it, as well as the necessity to understand that we truly are interconnected: nobody is an island whose decisions truly affect nobody else, and our actions have a ripple effect. Therefore, we benefit greatly from understanding that we are, in fact, in this together.
In the story, the Baker sets out to find four items to satisfy the demands of the next-door witch who has cursed him and his wife with the inability to have children. He sets out alone, or tries, because he's the head of the house, so he believes that places the responsibility squarely on his shoulders and insists he must do it alone. But his wife finds ways to intervene and help when he falters, and they end up working together in pursuit of their shared goal.
While listening to this song during a drive back from the holidays, the lyrics stood out to me in relation to how we handle our individual difficulties in life and how much we actually take risks and go live life rather than hanging back until the storms clear. I believe it mentions the principle that there are strengths and personal qualities that are truly only revealed and developed when we dare to leave what is comfortable, effortless, or natural in pursuit of something more difficult, more elusive, more rewarding. It also speaks of the importance of having a companion in the journey. As much as I sometimes long to have a romantic companion on my journey, for now, I rely on the investment and strength of good friends who walk with me. I suppose the lyrics are nothing earth-shattering, but I thought I'd share them because--let's be honest--we like our musicals.
[BAKER'S WIFE]
You've changed.
You're daring.
You're different in the woods.
More sure.
More sharing.
You're getting us through the woods.
If you could see-
You're not the man who started,
And much more openhearted
Than I knew
You to be.
[BAKER]
It takes two.
I thought one was enough,
It's not true:
It takes two of us
You came through
When the journey was rough.
It took you.
It took two of us.
It takes care.
It takes patience and fear and despair
To change.
Though you swear
To change,
Who can tell if you do?
It takes two.
[BAKER'S WIFE]
You've changed.
You're thriving.
There's something about the woods.
Not just
Surviving.
You're blossoming in the woods.
At home I'd fear
We'd stay the same forever.
And then out here-
You're passionate
Charming,
Considerate,
Clever-
[BAKER]
It takes one
To begin, but then once
You've begun,
It takes two of you.
It's no fun,
But what needs to be done
You can do
When there's two of you.
If I dare,
It's because I'm becoming
Aware of us
As a pair of us,
Each accepting a share
Of what's there.
[BOTH]
We've changed.
We're strangers.
I'm meeting you in the woods.
Who minds
What dangers?
I know we'll get past the woods.
And once we're past,
Lets' hope the changes last
Beyond woods,Beyond witches and slippers and hoods,
Just the two of us-
Beyond lies,
Safe at home with our beautiful prize,
Just the few of us.
It takes trust.
It takes just
A bit more
And we're done.
We want four,
We had none.
We've got three.
We need one.
It takes two.
26 December 2007
Just For This Moment
***Published ex post facto on 16 Oct 2010***
While driving home alone from Christmas festivities, the music I was listening to wasn't keeping me awake enough, so I needed some music which was a little more...engaging. Thinking of music I couldn't help but sing along with, I decided to pop in Wicked. Yes, this did the trick. How could I NOT bust it out a little with Dancing Through Life and Defying Gravity? Seriously.
But one song stood out to me more than ever before. Suddenly, I realized how much I identified with it, and I listened to it twice just to catch it all and marvel at my newfound understanding of the emotion behind the lyrics which had made some sense to me before but which now sounded like an echoing memory from my own heart and mind. Oh, precious.
In this scene, the heady, logical, introverted loner, Elphaba (the "wicked witch"), finds herself in a romantic situation with the sexy and fun-loving Fiyero, the guy all the girls want but who Elphaba, despite her suppressed attraction, had decided would never choose someone like her. He was the hedonistic "player" but was now exploring this new world Elphaba inspired him to see, in which simply going along with pop culture and "dancing through life" was revealed as a copout and a relatively meaningless way to live, compared with trying to change the world and living by your own convictions without regard to society's imposed pressures. So that's a bit of background, as I see it, for those of you not familiar with the musical.
As I listened to the lyrics, I realized I identified in many ways, and it was interesting to think that I had been quite so in the moment, in a way. I'm generally one who thinks a lot about future consequences and how actions will affect others and myself. But in one particular relationship, I experimented, in a way, because of who and how he was and how that drew me in.
I found myself thinking, "But what about the fact that we can't possibly turn this into a romantic relationship...ah forget it, just for now, I'm here and in this moment, and for now, I'm going to enjoy feeling this close with someone again and enjoy the ride (without letting it get too out of hand). Come what may, I want to see what it's like to let go a bit and just enjoy this while it lasts."
Call it part "gay adolescence", part attempt at another approach or perspective, part marveling a bit that this kind of guy really could be attracted to someone like me, part genuine affection in a friendship-turned-fling. I felt a genuine connection and affection with him, but I also let my teenage girl traits overpower common sense.
The outcomes of my own relationship and the one in the musical are very different, but I nevertheless identify more with the lyrics now than I thought possible, and it weirded me out a little to think that I had "been there":
---------------------------------------
ACT TWO, Scene 4: A clearing in the Great Gillikin Forest. Night. A campfire.
Elphaba and Fiyero are alone at last...
[ELPHABA]
Kiss me too fiercely
Hold me too tight
I need help believing
You're with me tonight
My wildest dreamings
Could not foresee
Lying beside you
With you wanting me
Just for this moment
As long as you're mine
I've lost all resistance
And crossed some borderline
And if it turns out
It's over too fast
I'll make every last moment last
As long as you're mine...
[FIYERO]
Maybe I'm brainless
Maybe I'm wise
But you've got me seeing
Through different eyes
Somehow I've fallen
Under your spell
And somehow I'm feeling
It's "up" that I fell
[BOTH]
Every moment
As long as you're mine
I'll wake up my body
And make up for lost time
[FIYERO]
Say there's no future
For us as a pair
[BOTH]
And though I may know
I don't care
Just for this moment
As long as you're mine
Come be how you want to
And see how bright we shine
Borrow the moonlight
Until it is through
And know I'll be here holding you
As long as you're mine
(Fiyero studies her face.)
[FIYERO]
What is it?
[ELPHABA]
It's just-- for the first time, I feel...wicked.
----------------------------------------
As I listened to the lyrics, I wish I could have seen my own expression. It was probably a curiously amusing combination of nostalgia, longing, self-bemusement, realization, and the sort of amused expression of a parent whose child has just done something foolish but entirely understandable.
Never before had I experienced quite the degree of abandon as I did in this brief fling which came to mind while listening to this song. I'm not usually one to experience things for the sake of experiencing them. I've usually been mindful of the future, including whether a relationship had a future, and if it didn't, I'd not invest in it much, at least not in certain ways. But I tried doing things a little differently that time.
Yet, after all is said and done, and romantic attachments with the other party in this "fling" are dissolved and I don't want to "go back", and even though I can look back and see that the relationship was a bit immature and hormone-based, something about that kind of a connection leaves me wishing, longing to experience it again.
And even though I can think of relationships with greater depth, better communication, more history and commitment, and a deeper "connection", there's something about the romantic connection that brought part of me alive, that made me feel complete and activated in really positive-feeling ways, and so even though this particular "fling" was a fleeting and relatively shallow thing, I'm left longing for a relationship which includes that chemistry, that vibrance, that feeling like all is well in the world while you're with that person, that sense of total and exhilarating intimacy and trust, as illogical as it may be, fade though it may, along with the "deeper" things. I realize the energizing happiness I've felt with a couple friends-turned-romantic is theoretically unimportant in a "real" relationship, but it still feels so beautiful, so enlivening, so motivating that while feeling it, I have to believe I can feel it along with, or on the way to, the abiding, lifetime committing kind of love, too.
While driving home alone from Christmas festivities, the music I was listening to wasn't keeping me awake enough, so I needed some music which was a little more...engaging. Thinking of music I couldn't help but sing along with, I decided to pop in Wicked. Yes, this did the trick. How could I NOT bust it out a little with Dancing Through Life and Defying Gravity? Seriously.
But one song stood out to me more than ever before. Suddenly, I realized how much I identified with it, and I listened to it twice just to catch it all and marvel at my newfound understanding of the emotion behind the lyrics which had made some sense to me before but which now sounded like an echoing memory from my own heart and mind. Oh, precious.
In this scene, the heady, logical, introverted loner, Elphaba (the "wicked witch"), finds herself in a romantic situation with the sexy and fun-loving Fiyero, the guy all the girls want but who Elphaba, despite her suppressed attraction, had decided would never choose someone like her. He was the hedonistic "player" but was now exploring this new world Elphaba inspired him to see, in which simply going along with pop culture and "dancing through life" was revealed as a copout and a relatively meaningless way to live, compared with trying to change the world and living by your own convictions without regard to society's imposed pressures. So that's a bit of background, as I see it, for those of you not familiar with the musical.
As I listened to the lyrics, I realized I identified in many ways, and it was interesting to think that I had been quite so in the moment, in a way. I'm generally one who thinks a lot about future consequences and how actions will affect others and myself. But in one particular relationship, I experimented, in a way, because of who and how he was and how that drew me in.
I found myself thinking, "But what about the fact that we can't possibly turn this into a romantic relationship...ah forget it, just for now, I'm here and in this moment, and for now, I'm going to enjoy feeling this close with someone again and enjoy the ride (without letting it get too out of hand). Come what may, I want to see what it's like to let go a bit and just enjoy this while it lasts."
Call it part "gay adolescence", part attempt at another approach or perspective, part marveling a bit that this kind of guy really could be attracted to someone like me, part genuine affection in a friendship-turned-fling. I felt a genuine connection and affection with him, but I also let my teenage girl traits overpower common sense.
The outcomes of my own relationship and the one in the musical are very different, but I nevertheless identify more with the lyrics now than I thought possible, and it weirded me out a little to think that I had "been there":
---------------------------------------
ACT TWO, Scene 4: A clearing in the Great Gillikin Forest. Night. A campfire.
Elphaba and Fiyero are alone at last...
[ELPHABA]
Kiss me too fiercely
Hold me too tight
I need help believing
You're with me tonight
My wildest dreamings
Could not foresee
Lying beside you
With you wanting me
Just for this moment
As long as you're mine
I've lost all resistance
And crossed some borderline
And if it turns out
It's over too fast
I'll make every last moment last
As long as you're mine...
[FIYERO]
Maybe I'm brainless
Maybe I'm wise
But you've got me seeing
Through different eyes
Somehow I've fallen
Under your spell
And somehow I'm feeling
It's "up" that I fell
[BOTH]
Every moment
As long as you're mine
I'll wake up my body
And make up for lost time
[FIYERO]
Say there's no future
For us as a pair
[BOTH]
And though I may know
I don't care
Just for this moment
As long as you're mine
Come be how you want to
And see how bright we shine
Borrow the moonlight
Until it is through
And know I'll be here holding you
As long as you're mine
(Fiyero studies her face.)
[FIYERO]
What is it?
[ELPHABA]
It's just-- for the first time, I feel...wicked.
----------------------------------------
As I listened to the lyrics, I wish I could have seen my own expression. It was probably a curiously amusing combination of nostalgia, longing, self-bemusement, realization, and the sort of amused expression of a parent whose child has just done something foolish but entirely understandable.
Never before had I experienced quite the degree of abandon as I did in this brief fling which came to mind while listening to this song. I'm not usually one to experience things for the sake of experiencing them. I've usually been mindful of the future, including whether a relationship had a future, and if it didn't, I'd not invest in it much, at least not in certain ways. But I tried doing things a little differently that time.
Yet, after all is said and done, and romantic attachments with the other party in this "fling" are dissolved and I don't want to "go back", and even though I can look back and see that the relationship was a bit immature and hormone-based, something about that kind of a connection leaves me wishing, longing to experience it again.
And even though I can think of relationships with greater depth, better communication, more history and commitment, and a deeper "connection", there's something about the romantic connection that brought part of me alive, that made me feel complete and activated in really positive-feeling ways, and so even though this particular "fling" was a fleeting and relatively shallow thing, I'm left longing for a relationship which includes that chemistry, that vibrance, that feeling like all is well in the world while you're with that person, that sense of total and exhilarating intimacy and trust, as illogical as it may be, fade though it may, along with the "deeper" things. I realize the energizing happiness I've felt with a couple friends-turned-romantic is theoretically unimportant in a "real" relationship, but it still feels so beautiful, so enlivening, so motivating that while feeling it, I have to believe I can feel it along with, or on the way to, the abiding, lifetime committing kind of love, too.
18 December 2007
Identifying with the Weepies
I like the sound of the Weepies a lot. The lyrics, though, are probably what really hooked me, in the end.
Nobody Knows Me At All
When I was a child, everybody smiled
Nobody knows me at all
Very late at night and in the morning light,
Nobody knows me at all
I got lots of friends, yes, but then again,
Nobody knows me at all
Kids and a wife, it's a beautiful life
Nobody knows me at all
And oh when the lights are low
Oh with someone I don't know
I don't give a damn, I'm happy as a clam
Nobody knows me at all
Ah, what can you do? There's nobody like you
Nobody knows me at all
[...]
Simple Life
Can I get up in the morning
Put the kettle on
Make us some coffee, say "hey" to the sun...
Is it enough to write a song and sing it to the birds?
They'd hear just the tune
Not understand my love for words
But you would hear me and know
I want only this, I want to live
I want to live a simple life.
I dreamed you first
But not so real
And everyday since I've found you
Such moments we steal
Like little thieves, we rub our hands
We hold our hearts between them.
But will you hear me and know?
I want only this, I want to live
I want to live a simple life.
Move on, move on
Time is accelerating.
Drive on all night
Traffic lights and one-ways.
Move on, move on
Parking violations waiting
Turn off the car, breathe the air
Let's stay here.
I'll kiss you awake, and we'll have time
To know our neighbors all by name
And every star at night.
We'll weave our days together like waves
And particles of light.
I want only this, I want to live
I want to live a simple life.
Not Your Year
Scattered shadows on a wall, you watch the long light fall
Some impressions stay and some will fade
Tattered shoes outside your door, clothes all on the floor
Your life feels like the morning after all year long.
Every day it starts again
You cannot say if you’re happy
You keep trying to be
Try harder, maybe this is not your year.
Movies, TV screens reflect just what you expected
There’s a world of shiny people somewhere else
Out there following their bliss
living easy, getting kissed
while you wonder what else you’re doing wrong
Breathe through it, write a list of desires
Make a toast, make a wish, slash some tires
Paint a heart repeating, beating “don’t give up, don’t give up, don’t give up.”
Living in Twilight
You look darkly on the day
With memories to light your way
A little sad but it’s all right
We are always living in twilight
No one knocks upon your door
Until you don’t care anymore
A little alone but it’s all right
We are always living in twilight
Living in a dream, walking in between the sunrise and sunset
Living in a dream, walking in between sunset and sunrise
You get tied up in your day, so I let go and walk away
And now we’re loose ends of the night
We are always living in twilight
So it goes, though no one knows you like they used to do
Have a drink the sky is sinking toward a deeper blue
And you’re still all right
Step out into twilight
[...]
Nobody Knows Me At All
When I was a child, everybody smiled
Nobody knows me at all
Very late at night and in the morning light,
Nobody knows me at all
I got lots of friends, yes, but then again,
Nobody knows me at all
Kids and a wife, it's a beautiful life
Nobody knows me at all
And oh when the lights are low
Oh with someone I don't know
I don't give a damn, I'm happy as a clam
Nobody knows me at all
Ah, what can you do? There's nobody like you
Nobody knows me at all
[...]
Simple Life
Can I get up in the morning
Put the kettle on
Make us some coffee, say "hey" to the sun...
Is it enough to write a song and sing it to the birds?
They'd hear just the tune
Not understand my love for words
But you would hear me and know
I want only this, I want to live
I want to live a simple life.
I dreamed you first
But not so real
And everyday since I've found you
Such moments we steal
Like little thieves, we rub our hands
We hold our hearts between them.
But will you hear me and know?
I want only this, I want to live
I want to live a simple life.
Move on, move on
Time is accelerating.
Drive on all night
Traffic lights and one-ways.
Move on, move on
Parking violations waiting
Turn off the car, breathe the air
Let's stay here.
I'll kiss you awake, and we'll have time
To know our neighbors all by name
And every star at night.
We'll weave our days together like waves
And particles of light.
I want only this, I want to live
I want to live a simple life.
Not Your Year
Scattered shadows on a wall, you watch the long light fall
Some impressions stay and some will fade
Tattered shoes outside your door, clothes all on the floor
Your life feels like the morning after all year long.
Every day it starts again
You cannot say if you’re happy
You keep trying to be
Try harder, maybe this is not your year.
Movies, TV screens reflect just what you expected
There’s a world of shiny people somewhere else
Out there following their bliss
living easy, getting kissed
while you wonder what else you’re doing wrong
Breathe through it, write a list of desires
Make a toast, make a wish, slash some tires
Paint a heart repeating, beating “don’t give up, don’t give up, don’t give up.”
Living in Twilight
You look darkly on the day
With memories to light your way
A little sad but it’s all right
We are always living in twilight
No one knocks upon your door
Until you don’t care anymore
A little alone but it’s all right
We are always living in twilight
Living in a dream, walking in between the sunrise and sunset
Living in a dream, walking in between sunset and sunrise
You get tied up in your day, so I let go and walk away
And now we’re loose ends of the night
We are always living in twilight
So it goes, though no one knows you like they used to do
Have a drink the sky is sinking toward a deeper blue
And you’re still all right
Step out into twilight
[...]
18 November 2007
AIDS Benefit Concert Breakdown
I wanted to write about this at the time it happened a few weeks ago, but I wasn't in a writing mood, and I was distracted by a lot of other things. It's about attending an AIDS benefit in Salt Lake at which a friend of mine was singing.
I'd never been to an AIDS benefit. I didn't know what to expect. I had visions of scantily clad drag queens dancing down the aisles singing "We Are Family" a la Bird Cage, but I figured that was an exaggeration.
It was. But there was a Carol Channing-esque drag queen who sang some twisted variation of Hello Dolly. It was pretty comical. And then there was the small guy who sang a song about a kite from some Charlie Brown musical (You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown??). The song ended in a sort of descending scale and sudden decrescendo as his kite he was singing about fell to the ground and his head dropped in disappointment...it would have been a perfect Viagra ad, but you had to be there.
But what I remember most about the benefit concert is that I had one of the most emotionally releasing moments in a long time, and that I felt so much love and unity and hope in that room. I felt that these were generally hopeful people who wanted love and unity in their lives and in the world around them. I felt we were all there for the benefit of others and that differences of beliefs or opinion or interpretation of scripture were totally secondary to being there to improve ourselves and the world around us and mourn with those that mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort...
An especially poignant moment for me was when a man with a very nice voice sang Empty Chairs at Empty Tables, from Les Miserables, and the reality of AIDS and its victims became more real to me. I realized he was singing this for a crowd who, many of them at least, had actually seen several friends die of the disease and probably had many friends who had taken their own lives (which came to my mind because of a recent suicide of a gay LDS youth in the area), and it just brought to my heart the pain and suffering among many in the gay community above and beyond what I experience on a day-to-day basis, as well as the hope and the desire for better. It humanized them, which you might think shouldn't be necessary for a boy who likes boys, but I, just like anyone, have the tendency to color my perceptions with political strokes and supposed differences between "them" and "us", as much as I may try not to. This isn't to say I don't recognize that even the organization we were there to support probably does things with the money I wouldn't agree with, but most of what they do with it is probably what I would deem a "good cause".
As I felt some walls breaking down and a unification of hearts despite existing political, religious, or ideological differences, I wondered why I don't feel this more often at church? Is it me? Is it the wards? Are we so lazy that we just go through the motions and forget our motivations? Are we so caught up in rules and regulations that we forget to simply worship and serve, and to love each other purely?
Then my friend sang a duet with a girl following the Les Mis number. They sang Come Thou Fount, and my heart melted. I don't know, for sure, what it was, but it must have been pent-up emotions releasing at once in a flood of tears. Maybe it was hearing a hymn sung at a fairly gay-dominated function, which was sweet to me. Maybe it was seeing my friend up there, a friend I hadn't spoken to much lately, and missing him and hoping he was doing well but feeling sad that we seemed to be drifting apart. Maybe it was my own conflicted thoughts giving way to simple emotion. I didn't know what was happening to me, exactly, but I started sobbing almost uncontrollably. I was feeling broken down, humbled, and softened. I felt more alive than I had in a long time, more human, more connected in general.
I enjoy that feeling, the rare times it happens. It makes me wonder if I'm really masking a lot of emotion and vulnerability. Am I hardening myself for my own protection? I know some friends would say, "Duh," but I'm not sure we're talking about the same thing. Nevertheless, maybe they're at least partially right. Maybe I "handle" things too much, in a way. Maybe I need to learn to let go more. Maybe I need to be more teachable, more humble, more malleable, more purely loving, more vulnerable, more desirous to just be a good person and help those around me and offer love and encouragement.
What I hadn't felt in my ward meetings for a long time came to me in an Episcopal church in Salt Lake City among a gay-friendly congregation. Go fig. I don't exactly blame the church for the fact that I haven't had such experiences there for a long time. And I don't want to go out and find a gay-affirming congregation of some other church to attend. Neither of those is the point at all. I accept the possibility that it's at least as much me as it is the wards I've attended, but still, I think there's something to be learned.
Note: My recent entries probably make me out to be an emotional wreck and a cry-baby. It's not true. It's just that I write about experiences that stand out. ...OK, maybe it's true sometimes. Shut up.
I'd never been to an AIDS benefit. I didn't know what to expect. I had visions of scantily clad drag queens dancing down the aisles singing "We Are Family" a la Bird Cage, but I figured that was an exaggeration.
It was. But there was a Carol Channing-esque drag queen who sang some twisted variation of Hello Dolly. It was pretty comical. And then there was the small guy who sang a song about a kite from some Charlie Brown musical (You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown??). The song ended in a sort of descending scale and sudden decrescendo as his kite he was singing about fell to the ground and his head dropped in disappointment...it would have been a perfect Viagra ad, but you had to be there.
But what I remember most about the benefit concert is that I had one of the most emotionally releasing moments in a long time, and that I felt so much love and unity and hope in that room. I felt that these were generally hopeful people who wanted love and unity in their lives and in the world around them. I felt we were all there for the benefit of others and that differences of beliefs or opinion or interpretation of scripture were totally secondary to being there to improve ourselves and the world around us and mourn with those that mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort...
An especially poignant moment for me was when a man with a very nice voice sang Empty Chairs at Empty Tables, from Les Miserables, and the reality of AIDS and its victims became more real to me. I realized he was singing this for a crowd who, many of them at least, had actually seen several friends die of the disease and probably had many friends who had taken their own lives (which came to my mind because of a recent suicide of a gay LDS youth in the area), and it just brought to my heart the pain and suffering among many in the gay community above and beyond what I experience on a day-to-day basis, as well as the hope and the desire for better. It humanized them, which you might think shouldn't be necessary for a boy who likes boys, but I, just like anyone, have the tendency to color my perceptions with political strokes and supposed differences between "them" and "us", as much as I may try not to. This isn't to say I don't recognize that even the organization we were there to support probably does things with the money I wouldn't agree with, but most of what they do with it is probably what I would deem a "good cause".
As I felt some walls breaking down and a unification of hearts despite existing political, religious, or ideological differences, I wondered why I don't feel this more often at church? Is it me? Is it the wards? Are we so lazy that we just go through the motions and forget our motivations? Are we so caught up in rules and regulations that we forget to simply worship and serve, and to love each other purely?
Then my friend sang a duet with a girl following the Les Mis number. They sang Come Thou Fount, and my heart melted. I don't know, for sure, what it was, but it must have been pent-up emotions releasing at once in a flood of tears. Maybe it was hearing a hymn sung at a fairly gay-dominated function, which was sweet to me. Maybe it was seeing my friend up there, a friend I hadn't spoken to much lately, and missing him and hoping he was doing well but feeling sad that we seemed to be drifting apart. Maybe it was my own conflicted thoughts giving way to simple emotion. I didn't know what was happening to me, exactly, but I started sobbing almost uncontrollably. I was feeling broken down, humbled, and softened. I felt more alive than I had in a long time, more human, more connected in general.
I enjoy that feeling, the rare times it happens. It makes me wonder if I'm really masking a lot of emotion and vulnerability. Am I hardening myself for my own protection? I know some friends would say, "Duh," but I'm not sure we're talking about the same thing. Nevertheless, maybe they're at least partially right. Maybe I "handle" things too much, in a way. Maybe I need to learn to let go more. Maybe I need to be more teachable, more humble, more malleable, more purely loving, more vulnerable, more desirous to just be a good person and help those around me and offer love and encouragement.
What I hadn't felt in my ward meetings for a long time came to me in an Episcopal church in Salt Lake City among a gay-friendly congregation. Go fig. I don't exactly blame the church for the fact that I haven't had such experiences there for a long time. And I don't want to go out and find a gay-affirming congregation of some other church to attend. Neither of those is the point at all. I accept the possibility that it's at least as much me as it is the wards I've attended, but still, I think there's something to be learned.
Note: My recent entries probably make me out to be an emotional wreck and a cry-baby. It's not true. It's just that I write about experiences that stand out. ...OK, maybe it's true sometimes. Shut up.
16 November 2007
Nothing Without You
This is a song by one of my favorite musical artists, Vienna Teng, and it's one of my favorite songs of all time. The music is beautifully simple and, in my opinion, intelligently bittersweet (I love bittersweet), the lyrics a bit cryptic (as poetry often is) but moving to me. Though the origin of the lyrics is not necessarily spiritual in nature, Vienna sheepishly admits she likes the way many people have interpreted it better than the original story behind it, so she likes to claim spiritual angst as its meaning now. In any case, I don't have a lot of commentary to offer on it right now, but it always puts me in a very peaceful, very reflective place when I listen to it, as I did on the way to work this morning.
Vienna's web site links to a sample of the song if you want to hear what it sounds like. Better yet, go to her web site and listen to the whole song on her "Jukebox" (just select Nothing Without You from the drop-down list and click the Play button).
It's the quiet night that breaks me;
I cannot stand the sight of this familiar place.
It's the quiet night that breaks me;
Like a dozen papercuts that only I can trace.
All my books are lying useless now,
All my maps will only show me how to lose my way.
Oh call my name. You know my name.
And in that sound, everything will change.
Tell me it won't always be this hard.
I am nothing without you, but I don't know who you are.
It's the crowded room that breaks me;
Everybody looks so luminous and strangely young.
It's the crowded room that's never heard.
No one here can say a word of my native tongue.
I can't be among them anymore.
I fold myself away before it burns me numb.
Oh call my name. You know my name.
And in your love, everything will change.
Tell me it won't always be this hard.
I am nothing without you, but I don't know who you are.
I am nothing without you...
Vienna's web site links to a sample of the song if you want to hear what it sounds like. Better yet, go to her web site and listen to the whole song on her "Jukebox" (just select Nothing Without You from the drop-down list and click the Play button).
It's the quiet night that breaks me;
I cannot stand the sight of this familiar place.
It's the quiet night that breaks me;
Like a dozen papercuts that only I can trace.
All my books are lying useless now,
All my maps will only show me how to lose my way.
Oh call my name. You know my name.
And in that sound, everything will change.
Tell me it won't always be this hard.
I am nothing without you, but I don't know who you are.
It's the crowded room that breaks me;
Everybody looks so luminous and strangely young.
It's the crowded room that's never heard.
No one here can say a word of my native tongue.
I can't be among them anymore.
I fold myself away before it burns me numb.
Oh call my name. You know my name.
And in your love, everything will change.
Tell me it won't always be this hard.
I am nothing without you, but I don't know who you are.
I am nothing without you...
01 October 2007
The Dark Side of Obedience
I made a note during some meeting a while back about an analogy someone drew regarding obedience. They used a story of a free-spirited dog who disregarded its master's counsel as it ran out into the street to chase what it wanted and was struck by a car and killed. This was supposed to serve as a none-too-subtle lesson on the hazards of living life my own way and not responding unquestioningly to the commands of the Lord...or rather, the commands given by those who are supposed to be his messengers (including, or especially in this case, local church leaders). As I understood it, being plastered by a car was meant to signify spiritual destruction.
Immediately, another canine analogy came to my mind from an artist whose music I thoroughly enjoy: Beady Belle. This analogy had not sat well with me when I first heard it in her song, "Drawback". I thought it sounded a bit too subversive and dangerously unyielding in attitude, as I had just returned from my mission, where I was notorious for being a 100% obedience missionary. The lyrics are as follows:
------------------------------------
When somebody tied my poor dog up
I found that I was totally stuck
I trained him not to let out a yelp
That's why he didn't get any help
Nobody came to help in October
Nobody came to help in November
My dog was praiseworthy, quiet and sober
So nobody came to help in December
So he laid down now on the doorstep and died
And I'm still sitting here all tied up inside
That's the dark side of obedience
That's the dark side of obedience
------------------------------------
Now I believe the truth is found somewhere between these two analogies. Not just regarding religious principles or the "mormon experience", but for life in general. I'm not sure I favor one over the other. They're both true, yet they're both incomplete, and my mind jumped into gear with thoughts and questions sparked when the two were suddenly juxtaposed.
Isn't it interesting how we oversimplify life to draw analogies that fit our own perspective? In many cases, I think life is, indeed, simpler than we care to make it out to be. In other cases, I think we oversimplify to defend our own narrow perspectives, especially when trying to force everyone into the same tunnel vision.
Don't get me wrong, simple analogies can have their place, but there's most often simply more to it.
Immediately, another canine analogy came to my mind from an artist whose music I thoroughly enjoy: Beady Belle. This analogy had not sat well with me when I first heard it in her song, "Drawback". I thought it sounded a bit too subversive and dangerously unyielding in attitude, as I had just returned from my mission, where I was notorious for being a 100% obedience missionary. The lyrics are as follows:
------------------------------------
When somebody tied my poor dog upI found that I was totally stuck
I trained him not to let out a yelp
That's why he didn't get any help
Nobody came to help in October
Nobody came to help in November
My dog was praiseworthy, quiet and sober
So nobody came to help in December
So he laid down now on the doorstep and died
And I'm still sitting here all tied up inside
That's the dark side of obedience
That's the dark side of obedience
------------------------------------
Now I believe the truth is found somewhere between these two analogies. Not just regarding religious principles or the "mormon experience", but for life in general. I'm not sure I favor one over the other. They're both true, yet they're both incomplete, and my mind jumped into gear with thoughts and questions sparked when the two were suddenly juxtaposed.
Isn't it interesting how we oversimplify life to draw analogies that fit our own perspective? In many cases, I think life is, indeed, simpler than we care to make it out to be. In other cases, I think we oversimplify to defend our own narrow perspectives, especially when trying to force everyone into the same tunnel vision.
Don't get me wrong, simple analogies can have their place, but there's most often simply more to it.
02 June 2007
Running Away--Let's Do It
No more questions,
Please.
No more tests.
Comes the day you say, "What for?"
Please--no more.
No more feelings.
Time to shut the door.
Just--no more.
No more giants
Waging war.
Can't we just pursue our lives
With our children and our wives?
'Til that happy day arrives,
How do you ignore
All the witches,
All the curses,
All the wolves, all the lies,
The false hopes, the goodbyes,
The reverses,
All the wondering what even worse is
Still in store?
...No more.
Running away--let's do it.
Free from the ties that bind.
No more despair
Or burdens to bear
Out there in the yonder.
Running away--go to it.
Where did you have in mind?
Have to take care:
Unless there's a "where,"
You'll only be wandering blind.
Just more questions.
Different kind.
Where are we to go?
Where are we ever to go?
Running away--we'll do it.
Why sit around, resigned?
Trouble is, son,
The farther you run,
The more you feel undefined
For what you have left undone
And, more, what you've left behind.
***********
Ah, Sondheim. This song, sung by the baker and a wise old man in "Into the Woods," is one I have grown to appreciate more and more over the years. At first, I felt empathy for him; I felt bad for him. Then, as things got a bit hellish for me, I completely sympathized with his words. I now look at it as something of a memory, both tender and bitter. It's really a beautiful song. And it came to my mind last night as I thought of friends struggling with confronting their own "demons" and my own occasional desire to just pack it all up and move on...or retreat.
I wonder if I'm vascillating endlessly in indecision, like the lines of another song from the same musical, sung by a conflicted Cinderella trying to figure out what to do with her budding romance with the prince. Just replace "prince" with "God" or "family and friends" and it magically takes on all kinds of moho meaning:
"You think, what do you want?
You think, make a decision.
Why not stay and be caught?
You think, well, it's a thought,
What would be his response?
But then what if he knew
Who you were when you know
That you're not what he thinks
That he wants?
And then what if you are?
What a Prince would envision?
Although how can you know
Who you are till you know
What you want, which you don't?
So then which do you pick:
Where you're safe, out of sight,
And yourself, but where everything's wrong?
Or where everything's right
And you know that you'll never belong?
...
Better run along home
And avoid the collision.
Even though they don't care,
You'll be better off there
Where there's nothing to choose,
So there's nothing to lose.
So you pry up your shoes.
Then from out of the blue,
And without any guide,
You know what your decision is,
Which is not to decide.
You'll just leave him a clue:
For example, a shoe.
And then see what he'll do... "
**********
This is SO gay. I'm posting my thoughts using lyrics from Sondheim musicals.
So am I just trying to drop clues and hoping life will simply make my decisions for me or force me one way or the other? Sometimes I think we need that...we just need to place something in God's hands and let him do the work. But in other ways, I suspect I'm too capable for God to want me to go through life leaving the tough decisions to someone else...
Another song with food for thought, sung by a newly wise Little Red Riding Hood wearing the skin of the wolf who enticed and ate her:
"Mother said,
'Straight ahead,'
Not to delay
or be misled.
I should have heeded
Her advice...
But he seemed so nice.
And he showed me things
Many beautiful things,
That I hadn't thought to explore.
They were off my path,
So I never had dared.
I had been so careful,
I never had cared.
And he made me feel excited-
Well, excited and scared.
...
And I know things now,
Many valuable things,
That I hadn't known before:
Do not put your faith
In a cape and a hood,
They will not protect you
The way that they should.
And take extra care with strangers,
Even flowers have their dangers.
And though scary is exciting,
Nice is different than good.
Now I know:
Don't be scared.
Granny is right,
Just be prepared.
Isn't it nice to know a lot!
And a little bit not..."
**********
Sometimes a LOT not. And yet...I don't think I'd trade my experiences, or maybe moreso, what I've learned from them. I sometimes try to step back and see if I'm not running away from life's challenges and more difficult points. I do feel the winds of change, yet I hope I'm not just thinking of running away. Or staying for what's nice while ignoring what's good. Or waiting for some unseen, imaginary "fate" to decide for me.
I've been told I'm surprisingly nonchalant about this whole homosexuality thing. I do feel I've been through enough hell to have given it its due somber treatment. At some point, you have to accept the tough stuff in life and move on. But it's also easy to be nonchalant when you're ignoring the giants, and the witches...maybe the change I feel afoot is a confrontation anew of the deeper contradictions and conundra in my life. And maybe it is time to move on. I'll close with lyrics from another Sondheim musical:
[[Dot]]
Stop worrying where you're going-
Move on
If you can know where you're going
You've gone
Just keep moving on
I chose, and my world was shaken-
So what?
The choice may have been mistaken,
The choosing was not
You have to move on
Look at what you want,
Not at where you are,
Not at what you'll be-
Look at all the things you've done for me
Opened up my eyes,
Taught me how to see,
Notice every tree-
[[George]]
Notice every tree...
[[Dot]]
Understand the light-
[[George]]
...Understand the light...
[[Dot]]
Concentrate on now-
[[George]]
I want to move on
I want to explore the light
I want to know how to get through,
Through to something new,
Something of my own-
[[Both]]
Move on
Move on
Please.
No more tests.
Comes the day you say, "What for?"
Please--no more.
No more feelings.
Time to shut the door.
Just--no more.
No more giants
Waging war.
Can't we just pursue our lives
With our children and our wives?
'Til that happy day arrives,
How do you ignore
All the witches,
All the curses,
All the wolves, all the lies,
The false hopes, the goodbyes,
The reverses,
All the wondering what even worse is
Still in store?
...No more.
Running away--let's do it.
Free from the ties that bind.
No more despair
Or burdens to bear
Out there in the yonder.
Running away--go to it.
Where did you have in mind?
Have to take care:
Unless there's a "where,"
You'll only be wandering blind.
Just more questions.
Different kind.
Where are we to go?
Where are we ever to go?
Running away--we'll do it.
Why sit around, resigned?
Trouble is, son,
The farther you run,
The more you feel undefined
For what you have left undone
And, more, what you've left behind.
***********
Ah, Sondheim. This song, sung by the baker and a wise old man in "Into the Woods," is one I have grown to appreciate more and more over the years. At first, I felt empathy for him; I felt bad for him. Then, as things got a bit hellish for me, I completely sympathized with his words. I now look at it as something of a memory, both tender and bitter. It's really a beautiful song. And it came to my mind last night as I thought of friends struggling with confronting their own "demons" and my own occasional desire to just pack it all up and move on...or retreat.
I wonder if I'm vascillating endlessly in indecision, like the lines of another song from the same musical, sung by a conflicted Cinderella trying to figure out what to do with her budding romance with the prince. Just replace "prince" with "God" or "family and friends" and it magically takes on all kinds of moho meaning:
"You think, what do you want?
You think, make a decision.
Why not stay and be caught?
You think, well, it's a thought,
What would be his response?
But then what if he knew
Who you were when you know
That you're not what he thinks
That he wants?
And then what if you are?
What a Prince would envision?
Although how can you know
Who you are till you know
What you want, which you don't?
So then which do you pick:
Where you're safe, out of sight,
And yourself, but where everything's wrong?
Or where everything's right
And you know that you'll never belong?
...
Better run along home
And avoid the collision.
Even though they don't care,
You'll be better off there
Where there's nothing to choose,
So there's nothing to lose.
So you pry up your shoes.
Then from out of the blue,
And without any guide,
You know what your decision is,
Which is not to decide.
You'll just leave him a clue:
For example, a shoe.
And then see what he'll do... "
**********
This is SO gay. I'm posting my thoughts using lyrics from Sondheim musicals.
So am I just trying to drop clues and hoping life will simply make my decisions for me or force me one way or the other? Sometimes I think we need that...we just need to place something in God's hands and let him do the work. But in other ways, I suspect I'm too capable for God to want me to go through life leaving the tough decisions to someone else...
Another song with food for thought, sung by a newly wise Little Red Riding Hood wearing the skin of the wolf who enticed and ate her:
"Mother said,
'Straight ahead,'
Not to delay
or be misled.
I should have heeded
Her advice...
But he seemed so nice.
And he showed me things
Many beautiful things,
That I hadn't thought to explore.
They were off my path,
So I never had dared.
I had been so careful,
I never had cared.
And he made me feel excited-
Well, excited and scared.
...
And I know things now,
Many valuable things,
That I hadn't known before:
Do not put your faith
In a cape and a hood,
They will not protect you
The way that they should.
And take extra care with strangers,
Even flowers have their dangers.
And though scary is exciting,
Nice is different than good.
Now I know:
Don't be scared.
Granny is right,
Just be prepared.
Isn't it nice to know a lot!
And a little bit not..."
**********
Sometimes a LOT not. And yet...I don't think I'd trade my experiences, or maybe moreso, what I've learned from them. I sometimes try to step back and see if I'm not running away from life's challenges and more difficult points. I do feel the winds of change, yet I hope I'm not just thinking of running away. Or staying for what's nice while ignoring what's good. Or waiting for some unseen, imaginary "fate" to decide for me.
I've been told I'm surprisingly nonchalant about this whole homosexuality thing. I do feel I've been through enough hell to have given it its due somber treatment. At some point, you have to accept the tough stuff in life and move on. But it's also easy to be nonchalant when you're ignoring the giants, and the witches...maybe the change I feel afoot is a confrontation anew of the deeper contradictions and conundra in my life. And maybe it is time to move on. I'll close with lyrics from another Sondheim musical:
[[Dot]]
Stop worrying where you're going-
Move on
If you can know where you're going
You've gone
Just keep moving on
I chose, and my world was shaken-
So what?
The choice may have been mistaken,
The choosing was not
You have to move on
Look at what you want,
Not at where you are,
Not at what you'll be-
Look at all the things you've done for me
Opened up my eyes,
Taught me how to see,
Notice every tree-
[[George]]
Notice every tree...
[[Dot]]
Understand the light-
[[George]]
...Understand the light...
[[Dot]]
Concentrate on now-
[[George]]
I want to move on
I want to explore the light
I want to know how to get through,
Through to something new,
Something of my own-
[[Both]]
Move on
Move on
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