02 June 2007

Running Away--Let's Do It

No more questions,
No more tests.
Comes the day you say, "What for?"
Please--no more.

No more feelings.
Time to shut the door.
Just--no more.

No more giants
Waging war.
Can't we just pursue our lives
With our children and our wives?
'Til that happy day arrives,
How do you ignore
All the witches,
All the curses,
All the wolves, all the lies,
The false hopes, the goodbyes,
The reverses,
All the wondering what even worse is
Still in store?

...No more.

Running away--let's do it.
Free from the ties that bind.
No more despair
Or burdens to bear
Out there in the yonder.

Running away--go to it.
Where did you have in mind?
Have to take care:
Unless there's a "where,"
You'll only be wandering blind.
Just more questions.
Different kind.

Where are we to go?
Where are we ever to go?

Running away--we'll do it.
Why sit around, resigned?
Trouble is, son,
The farther you run,
The more you feel undefined
For what you have left undone
And, more, what you've left behind.


Ah, Sondheim. This song, sung by the baker and a wise old man in "Into the Woods," is one I have grown to appreciate more and more over the years. At first, I felt empathy for him; I felt bad for him. Then, as things got a bit hellish for me, I completely sympathized with his words. I now look at it as something of a memory, both tender and bitter. It's really a beautiful song. And it came to my mind last night as I thought of friends struggling with confronting their own "demons" and my own occasional desire to just pack it all up and move on...or retreat.

I wonder if I'm vascillating endlessly in indecision, like the lines of another song from the same musical, sung by a conflicted Cinderella trying to figure out what to do with her budding romance with the prince. Just replace "prince" with "God" or "family and friends" and it magically takes on all kinds of moho meaning:

"You think, what do you want?
You think, make a decision.
Why not stay and be caught?
You think, well, it's a thought,
What would be his response?
But then what if he knew
Who you were when you know
That you're not what he thinks
That he wants?

And then what if you are?
What a Prince would envision?
Although how can you know
Who you are till you know
What you want, which you don't?
So then which do you pick:
Where you're safe, out of sight,
And yourself, but where everything's wrong?
Or where everything's right
And you know that you'll never belong?

Better run along home
And avoid the collision.
Even though they don't care,
You'll be better off there
Where there's nothing to choose,
So there's nothing to lose.
So you pry up your shoes.
Then from out of the blue,
And without any guide,
You know what your decision is,
Which is not to decide.

You'll just leave him a clue:
For example, a shoe.
And then see what he'll do... "

This is SO gay. I'm posting my thoughts using lyrics from Sondheim musicals.

So am I just trying to drop clues and hoping life will simply make my decisions for me or force me one way or the other? Sometimes I think we need that...we just need to place something in God's hands and let him do the work. But in other ways, I suspect I'm too capable for God to want me to go through life leaving the tough decisions to someone else...

Another song with food for thought, sung by a newly wise Little Red Riding Hood wearing the skin of the wolf who enticed and ate her:

"Mother said,
'Straight ahead,'
Not to delay
or be misled.
I should have heeded
Her advice...
But he seemed so nice.

And he showed me things
Many beautiful things,
That I hadn't thought to explore.
They were off my path,
So I never had dared.
I had been so careful,
I never had cared.
And he made me feel excited-
Well, excited and scared.

And I know things now,
Many valuable things,
That I hadn't known before:
Do not put your faith
In a cape and a hood,
They will not protect you
The way that they should.
And take extra care with strangers,
Even flowers have their dangers.
And though scary is exciting,
Nice is different than good.

Now I know:
Don't be scared.
Granny is right,
Just be prepared.

Isn't it nice to know a lot!
And a little bit not..."


Sometimes a LOT not. And yet...I don't think I'd trade my experiences, or maybe moreso, what I've learned from them. I sometimes try to step back and see if I'm not running away from life's challenges and more difficult points. I do feel the winds of change, yet I hope I'm not just thinking of running away. Or staying for what's nice while ignoring what's good. Or waiting for some unseen, imaginary "fate" to decide for me.

I've been told I'm surprisingly nonchalant about this whole homosexuality thing. I do feel I've been through enough hell to have given it its due somber treatment. At some point, you have to accept the tough stuff in life and move on. But it's also easy to be nonchalant when you're ignoring the giants, and the witches...maybe the change I feel afoot is a confrontation anew of the deeper contradictions and conundra in my life. And maybe it is time to move on. I'll close with lyrics from another Sondheim musical:

Stop worrying where you're going-
Move on
If you can know where you're going
You've gone
Just keep moving on

I chose, and my world was shaken-
So what?
The choice may have been mistaken,
The choosing was not
You have to move on

Look at what you want,
Not at where you are,
Not at what you'll be-
Look at all the things you've done for me

Opened up my eyes,
Taught me how to see,
Notice every tree-

Notice every tree...

Understand the light-

...Understand the light...

Concentrate on now-

I want to move on
I want to explore the light
I want to know how to get through,
Through to something new,
Something of my own-

Move on
Move on


-L- said...

Yes! Finally someone has posted lyrics to songs I actually know the tunes to! :-)

Greg said...

Now, normally I wouldn't comment, but this week I've had two songs from musicals epitomizing my life. I too felt uber gay. One comes from Wicked - The Wizard and I - The wizard being God in the song, and the green freak being me, the gay mormon.
And the other from a musical that isn't official yet called "Lend me a Tenor: The Musical" (original, I know) They're performing it at the Shakespeare Festival this summer in Cedar City. The part that I 'felt' this morning goes as follows:

Ladies and Gentlemen, your attention please, I’ve something important to say. I regret to inform you, that Tito Merelli, the greatest voice of our day. On the 10th anniversary of Cleveland Grand, for a reason as yet undisclosed, has cancelled his premier American tour and regrettably been indisposed.
But it’s my privilege to announce that the role tonight, will be sung by an amateur, making his first appearance on this, or any stage. The company’s very own gopher, sometimes he’s even my chauffeur, the totem with all of the facts – here’s Max!

Sorry, it's kind of long. But basically I feel like God sometimes does that i.e. "Boys, I know you want boys, and you maybe are even expecting boys, unfortunately, for an undisclosed reason that option isn't available to you, but...here's a woman!" Perhaps that analogy makes more sense when you know the story of Lend Me a Tenor, but that's a job for cliffs notes, not my random comments in a blog...

by a thread said...

Usually you have a slew of comments on your blogs. Either people are late in logging in and reading this greatness, or it is deeper than many are able to comprehend and comment on. Even for me it is hard to understand exactly what you are saying. In fact, the hell that I have experienced because of SGA is different than the hell you have experienced. It is similar and we can understand eachother a bit more because of it, but never fully will we truly know how someone experiences life. It is like seeing the color blue. We both know it is blue, but we really never can say if you and I see blue the same way. Maybe I'll have to blog about this. The comment is getting a little bit long. Thank you for your sincere thoughts though. They are genuine and real.