02 May 2007

Messages Heard Which You Didn't Say

What I say to the friend I recently 'came out' to: "I was sort of interested in a girl I saw the other day. I actually had a desire to ask her out."

What the mormon, heterosexual friend hears: "I found her attractive the same way I find guys attractive."

The truth: I can tell she's attractive, but I'm not drawn to her the way I'm drawn to a nice-seeming, attractive guy. I don't feel the same drive to get close to her that I do sometimes with guys. I almost never feel it the same way with girls. And I say "almost" only because I generally avoid absolutes, but I can't think of the last time I felt the way towards any girl that I have felt towards several guys I've been attracted to. It's just different. I did, however, want to get to know her and see if some of that drive would develop along with the emotional/mental connection.

We all interpret what we hear and fill in gaps according to our frames of reference, and it can be frustrating when those closest to you have been hearing, for years, according to their paradigm, into which you don't fit. I was reminded today that I need to be very clear and help people understand what has become commonplace in my world: that something as simple as the word 'attracted' has, until recently, not meant to me what it meant to other people.


agirlwho said...

I said something strange to AtP last night that was along the lines of "you know, sometimes I forget that you guys will never be attracted to me." Attraction is a funny thing and it is pretty surreal to realize the reality of the situation, at least for me. It's not that I am waiting around for one of you guys to give up and become interested in me, it's just that because I am naturally attracted to men (a blessing, I know) I take my attraction for granted and sometimes homosexual attractions just seem like a novelty. This comment is sounding kind of dumb at this point, but I guess the whole point is that sometimes I forget and I imagine things are less real than they are. That's all.

Original Mohomie said...

Never attracted to you? If it's any consolation, you caught my attention, baby. ;-) But yeah... we're kind of... *different*.

But I don't know, I do have my more "straight" days, I think. Gosh, it's hard to describe. I do, at times, feel SOME kind of attraction to girls, even very occasionally ALMOST like with guys, though on an average day, 15 guys might turn my head and MAYBE a girl.

...but I've been attracted to girls more often on a sort of deeper level, which is interesting. Maybe it's because I skip right past the whole physical thing 'cause really, who wants to look at that? *wink* Or maybe it's 'cause I actually allow myself to be attracted to them but don't allow that with guys. Turning off the physical thing is harder. The brain is a lot easier to turn off than...well... *cough* *awkward pause*

I guess part of my point is that attraction is such a fluid, subjective, complex thing we each experience a little differently. And babbling is something I do when I'm too tired to be responding to blog comments...

Danish Boy said...

Wow I didn't know that you were actually thinking of taking her out. I hope that she will come to the next fireside. This is that brunette right? Well in any case you definitely don't have any problem getting the girls to come. It's a good thing you've got the attraction most of the time.

Hidden said...

Sigh. Amen to this post. Communication is so ridiculous sometimes. I got in a fight today with ym best friends over this exat thing... the messages they heard which I didn't say... and the messages I heard they didn't say...

Sometimes it's just ridiculous IMO... I felt like we were second grade, and just got more frustrated with the whole thing. Oh well, that's life I guess.

On the note of attraction, here's a good parallel story... So I'm with my bishop and he's trying to give me a calling. (at this point he knows I'm gay, I'm very open).

Me: Well, the only real advantage I can see to accepting that calling would be that it would put me on a committee with R. Pinky.

Bishop: Is that so?

Me: Yeah, we are pretty good friends. That could be cool.

Bishop (point-blank): Are you sexually attracted to R. Pinky?

Me: W T F ?

~Hidden - meta-post #45

Original Mohomie said...

LOL, thanks, "Hidden". I got a good chuckle from your little story.