20 May 2007

Some Choices Suck But Are Mine to Make

I actually wrote this in response to another blogger's post, after also reading a related post, and considering conversations with friends. As I was writing a response to iwonder, it just got ridiculously long for a comment, so I decided to post it rather than use someone else's comments as my soap box.

I'm not going to try to repeat the questions posed by them. I'd encourage you to read the blogs to let them speak for themselves, but these are some of my thoughts to some of these more difficult questions most of us have at some point.

While I don't currently feel the heaviness of these thoughts much, they are thoughts I think any intelligent, honest, searching moho is bound to have. How could anyone deny the significance of these questions?

Yet I don't currently feel burdened by their weight though I went through a torturous time when I did. That's not to say I'm done and fixed and life is all peaches and cream from now on--wow, what a gay expression--but I've found empowerment in remembering that whatever happens, I am making an ACTIVE choice.

Yeah, it sucks that I feel like I have to choose between half of my ideals and the other half, but I don't think there's a person on earth who hasn't had to do that to a great extent at some point, at least nobody with principles.

I think the biggest difference between most people making these choices and me is that I spent more time dwelling on the feeling that I was being FORCED to make that choice, when in reality, everyone is. Life forces these choices. And I can either choose to not choose and remain in a state of torn victimhood, or I can take the reins, face the frightening unknown, and choose which of my ideals matter MOST to me, and follow those.

Don't get me wrong--I'm not claiming that anyone paralyzed by these decisions is a wimp and needs to buck up and get over it. Not at all. I'm one of them. We all go through this, I think. I'm just saying I hope we can all go through this, not live out our lives in it. That's an active thing. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming... (yay for overly-simplistic wisdom from scatter-brained fish)

I also submit that choosing which ideals to follow should not be a matter of "what will make me happiest?" but of "what do I believe most strongly in?" combined with "what do I value most?". I'm not sure we can ever make ourselves happy by setting aside the things we most believe in and deeply value.

I guess for myself, the question I try to focus on is not "what makes me happy?" as much as "what is really true?" Then, when you follow that which you most believe to be true, you gain a sense of completion and fulfillment (dare I say 'happiness'?) that only the integrity of following what you believe can bring. But then I'm just a "rational", so that's the kind of no-fun anti-hedonic pragmatism expected of my kind. *wink*

Sorry for the novel. I'm a long-winded cuss sometimes. And please don't take this as "wisdom from the self-proclaimed oracle O-Mo". Just my thoughts on what I think has gotten me through some rough spots, take them or leave them (and I mean that).

Maybe I should've blogged about this instead of writing a comment.

There. I blogged it.