I found myself in the gym tonight, thinking about recent conversations and wondering if I am actually as remarkably, unusually prudish as I must come across to certain circles of friends. Am I foolishly "idealistic" when it comes to sexual expression? Am I, even in my deeply doubting times, just so thoroughly ingrained with LDS doctrine and culture that I am a slave to my programming? Or is so much of the world actually childish and self-centered in sexual expression, a bunch of dogs humping every willing leg? Is there anyone who is not a total buttoned-up prude but still just feels an inherent "specialness" about sexual intimacy beyond your basic making out (which, by the way, I also want to reserve for relationships, not just fun), independent of doctrinal prohibitions, as something you don't go around experiencing with every attractive, willing participant you feel a connection with, commitment be damned?
I have certainly felt a desire to cross boundaries that I never expected to be so tempted to cross, and I'm not perfect at all at staying away from my own boundaries. I'm not a complete stranger to physical expression of an affectionate, romantic, or even sexual nature. I'm not afraid of sexuality. I rather hope to experience it fully in the future and expect it will be fun and exciting as well as intimate and bonding (Awkward? Nah!).
But is it really so odd to want to reserve the ultimate in physical intimacy for a real, committed, long-term relationship like, perhaps, marriage? Is it weird for me to think the level of physical intimacy should not exceed the emotional intimacy and level of commitment? Is it terribly priggish to feel a sense of degradation when I hear people talk about sexual climax by various methods as a sort of sport to be played with the hottest, most talented players one can find? Is it foolish to believe that if I am going to bare my whole body to someone in the most intimate way I can think of, it should be someone I feel comfortable baring my whole soul to as well? Is it naively idealistic to want to be able, at least, to honestly and freely say "I love you" while "making love", even if in a fun and passionate way (I'm not totally naive--I think sex would still be recreational in a committed relationship)?
Is this kind of attitude unique to ultraconservative, Judeo-Christian culture? Am I unenlightened? Will I work through this to realize that sexual expression is not fundamentally different from any other forms of intimacy? Will I one day see, as others seem to, that sexual intercourse or other sexual acts as recreation or connection with attractive acquaintances outside of committed relationships is not only natural but an essential experience of humanity, done responsibly? Will my eyes open to the fact that if you can share your deep feelings or fears with someone, you should feel free to share your fluids with them too, long-term relationship or not? Am I just too archaic to appreciate the enlightened and soul-expanding beauty of polyamory? Just as your capacity to love expands with each new child, why need it be different in romantic and/or sexual relationships with multiple partners? Am I just part of the small-minded minority clinging to my strict monogamy security blanket?
Is there no "right and wrong" to sexual expression? Does it just come down to finding someone who regards it the same way I do? Can I find such a person at my age? Should I learn to see sex and sexuality in the same casual, recreational light so many others seem to see it in? Or am I pretty sure I don't care to change the way I see it? Do I, deep down, really believe in my sexual principles? If so, am I in the wrong circles of friends to find others who regard sexuality the way I do and who will truly respect and support my beliefs? Do such people exist outside of tediously boring Utah Mormon culture? Or am I prepared to be continually scoffed at by friends who believe me to be ridiculously inexperienced and naive? Or are my perceptions of sexuality just romanticized, and if I just jump in and have some fun, will I discover that sex needn't be inextricably connected with emotional bonding? Maybe it just takes doing it to find out that it's really no big deal and needn't be "special" but is OK to just be fun? But then, am I capable of that? And if I have sex or something like it in a non-committed, recreational way, am I not just making it non-special by the way I'm going about it? Do I even want to bring my views on sexuality down to a casual level just to feel less weird among most social circles?
I realize that as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I'm "supposed to" think of it in simple terms: God said sex outside of marriage is wrong. If I extend that to apply statements by general authorities of the church, that means sexually arousing, passionate physical interaction is to be reserved for the bonds of matrimony. Outside of marriage, the limit is expressions of affection and appreciation without acting on "lust". I realize that's the "safest" guideline to avoid unexpected pregnancy or ending up needing to "repent" of fornication, but it just doesn't "feel" that simple.
When I talk about reserving the ultimate in physical intimacy with someone, I'm not just talking about sexual intercourse in the traditional sense, though I do think that's the most "intimate" form of sex. So what about simply making out until orgasm? No penetration. Just stimulation by grinding or other means. Maybe making out naked is not the same as sex? Maybe scriptural prohibitions against fornication don't proscribe non-penetrative sexual stimulation? I've even consoled someone by reminding him that even though he climaxed while making out (clothes on, if I remember correctly), that hadn't been his objective, and that can happen when you don't know your boundaries and are pushing them. I also said it wasn't that it was "OK" that it happened and agreed that he probably shouldn't have been engaging in behavior that led up to that or tested his limits in that way. But it wasn't sex, per se, I said. Yet I can't shake these hang-ups personally, not that I have a lot of motivation to try to shake them other than wanting to have fun and share a bonding experience with a couple of people I've been attracted to and started falling for. Is it so rare that I consider reaching climax with someone to be a very intimate experience, not to be degraded by making it something "fun" you do with someone you feel merely "affectionate" towards or "attracted to"?
Is it self-righteous that when I hear about most people's sexual experiences, all I can think is that they're using each other as dildos and am disgusted by the behavior? Do I have any right to lose respect for someone who ejaculates on someone they don't intend to have a relationship with when I've been so tempted that I've come very close to going down that path a time or two myself? When I've been "in the moment" in which sexual stimulation has been an obvious option and the intimations of it have begun, I've thought, "What's the big deal? Why is this supposedly so wrong?" I know there's not a malicious thing going on in most people's heads in which they're deliberately using anyone or feeling all dark and selfish. I know there's no risk of bringing a child into an unstable relationship. And I know that in those moments, it hasn't felt "wrong" except in context of one or both of us getting more emotionally involved than the relationship merits. And I imagine if I'd followed through, that feeling might not have changed. Maybe I wouldn't have felt "guilty" for climaxing with my fling. But since I didn't follow through, I'm just a tease who scowls at others for doing what I wanted to do but didn't.
Why does it bother me so much to hear about friends making out with the very objective of climaxing? Why does that still seem so wrong to me? Is this what most people consider "making out" to be? In all culture, or primarily in gay male culture? Was I really that naive for so long that I thought making out was supposed to exclude orgasm?
Do I have reasons for these reservations, other than a gut reaction from my upbringing? Would I feel and think completely differently about this if I'd had less reserved friends in my youth who masturbated together like so many young guys seem to have done? Is it possible that non-procreative sex is just another form of mutual stimulation, mutual pleasure, and not just a cheaply self-gratifying act? I let people tickle my back or give shoulder rubs. That's sometimes just about it feeling good, not about bonding. Is that cheap and self-gratifying? Am I using some people for my own pleasure by letting them tickle my back? But other times, they are people I really do care about and who care about me, and we just want to comfort each other or help each other relax through these physical expressions of affection and appreciation. Should I feel any differently when it comes to sexual stimulation? Is sexual stimulation patently different from other exchanges? What makes it seem so "different" to me?
Why do I even care? Is it for their welfare or my own security? I shouldn't be concerned for their health and physical well-being as long as it's done in a way that wouldn't spread most sexually transmitted diseases, right? Is it possible I have more of a "testimony" of certain things than I think?
Or could it be that this really amounts to jealousy that I'm just not in on the action? That I'm holding back because of my puritanical views and to maintain credibility in a conservative culture? Am I upset about this not because I'm in a position which merits righteous indignation but because I know that I've been passing up opportunities to experience the highs and intimacy of sexual expression the way I wanted to? Am I feeling stupid and hurt because the people I've wanted to be that intimate with have gone and found others to experiment and play with in the ways I wouldn't, and I was left feeling like a pitiable fool who is just the victim of his own inhibitions?
Would my view on the sluttiness of certain activities change if I just let go and engaged in a little myself? Why not try it out and go with the moment next time? Why should I stop myself the next time I want to *gasp* get naked with someone? As long as we don't risk making a baby, what's the big deal, right? Because I can tell you, there have been moments when I've wanted to act on sexual feelings but held back not because it seemed wrong in the moment (does it ever?) but because I had told myself I would only cross certain boundaries if I'd decided to in advance, in emotional/intellectual sobriety. Gosh, maybe I am nothing but a prude.
I was struggling with all of this when my random shuffle playlist on my MP3 player came to a handful of songs which brought me a glimmer of hope for depth of relationships and confidence that maybe I'm not completely alone in these questions. The one that most stood out to me was Part of My Life by India Arie. I'd heard this song before and never was a big fan, but tonight, the lyrics spoke to me powerfully. They didn't sound trite. They didn't sound youthfully naive. They sounded more real than most of the seductively fluffy romantic or lusty crap you hear in pop music. They sounded wise, practical, self-assured. Maybe I am a prude, but at least I'm not completely alone in my prudishness:
Can you be a part of my life?
Oh it's easy to find someone to play with
and almost anyone will do to fill your idle time
but that very special someone
you can share all your dreams with is so hard to find
And it used to be like me to settle for the physical
but these days it ain't too easy to make up my mind
cause apparently your body's just too temporary
to take up my precious time
See I've got to know that
that I can be free with you and
you've got to show that
that you're worthy of my time
can you stimulate my mind?
And I know that it looks good,
but can you be a part of my life
and I'm sure that it feels good
but can you be a part of my life
and it probably even tastes good
but can you be a part of my life
I've got to know
I still appreciate the beauty of a man
but there's more to what I need now than what meets the eye
and if beauty's only skin deep
then your pretty skin won't send me to my highest high
oh it's been a long time coming for maturity
and I believe that it's truly what it has to be
cause as much as I admire you
my sexual desire ain't controlling me
See I've got to know that
that I can be free with you and
you've got to show that
that you're worthy of my time
can you stimulate my mind?
And I know that it looks good,
but can you be a part of my life
and I'm sure that it feels good
but can you be a part of my life
and it probably even tastes good
but can you be a part of my life
I've got to know
4 comments:
Well, I feel your pain. I've actually been talking with my therapist about this stuff. To be honest, I've fooled around and climaxed in the presence of another man, and they around me... but I have a hang up about going any further than that because for some reason I don't consider it "sex" and though I don't feel guilty about what I've done, it definitely is odd that coming to a climax by one form of stimulation is okay, but by another form is somehow mentally "not" okay. Weird.
I think you just do what makes you feel comfortable. If you don't feel comfortable with something, don't do it. You don't need to actively seek to change how you feel--it comes with time, at least in my experience.
I really enjoyed your post.
"Do such people exist outside of tediously boring Utah Mormon culture?"
Yes, they do. Not saying that I haven't experienced some of the same questions you expressed in this post, but IMO there is something to be said for waiting.
Yowsa, I thought that post would never end! Just kidding, I really enjoyed it. I'm curious, you talk about wanting to save that experience for that special someone but you are kind of vague about the gender of that special someone. Where are you at on all that? Would you only marry a woman or are you open to marrying/being with a man? That's something I've been thinking about lately. I've opened myself up to settling down with a man but only if (and that's a big if) I find the right man. I feel like the type of man I'm looking for though is virtually nonexistent and therefore think that maybe I'm essentially just deciding to remain single. At this point in my life I feel 90% sure that I can't marry a woman.
As far as your post goes, wait. I believe sex can be a powerful almost spiritual experience if engaged in under the right circumstances. I'd like to think cuddling or back rubs and the like are a good and healthy way to show friendly affection, but it probably depends somewhat on the other person. If they have a problem stopping at just cuddling or a back rub, then it's probably not fair to start them down that path even though you know you have no intention of going any further.
Wow. That's a lot of questions. Let's see...
Probably not.
No.
Maybe.
Yes.
Yes.
...
Kidding...
I'll have a genuine stab at a few, though.
Yes, there are others who share your views, even outside of LDS culture, and even outside of religion in general (though once you've set aside religious prohibitions you're not going to find many interested in waiting until marriage).
Whether or not your views make you a "prude" is entirely in the eyes of the beholder. Some would say so. Others would not. If your friends say so, you can choose to let it bother you or not, or you can choose to get new friends.
I would suggest, though, that the impression of prudishness might be enhanced if you aren't shy about sharing your views with your friends. You indicate in the post that you disapprove of a lot of what certain of your friends are doing. If you're letting them know that you disapprove (either directly or through subtle hints or body language) they're much more likely to see you as a "prude". Again, you can choose to let this bother you or not, or you can choose to let your friends make their choices without the benefit of your opinion (assuming you've been making it known up to this point).
You seem to be concerned that you will eventually change your views and succumb to the enticements of the flesh and find pleasure wherever you can. This of course will always be entirely up to you. Since it seems your feelings about sex are based on LDS doctrine, I wonder where you stand on the rest of the teachings of the Church? (I'm sorry that I don't know you well enough to know your situation or your position, and I hope that I don't offend by asking.) If you have a firm testimony of the Gospel, then I can't imagine your morals crumbling without a conscious decision to go down that road, especially if you've made it this long without giving in to temptation. If you've left the Church and abandoned many of its teachings and are holding on to the law of chastity as the tattered remnants of your faith, then perhaps it's not quite so unlikely that you'll find yourself letting it go as well.
It may be that despite all the question marks in this post you weren't really looking for third-party answers. If so, I apologize. Whether or not my comment is appropriate, I did enjoy reading your post. Thanks!
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