The Many Meanings of "Moho"

So, I had a couple of hits to my blog from people who had Googled "my mohos" or something similar. I thought, "What might they have been looking for? I decided to consult the Urban Dictionary. Apparently, there's an abundance of alternate meanings for our quaint little gay mormon term, and not all of them are entirely flattering. I am posting this for the education of my readers to avoid potentially embarrassing situations in the future when referring to yourselves by a term which could have slightly non-virtuous connotations (and nobody wants to be seen as slightly non-virtuous). You can thank me in various forms of payment, preferably involving dark chocolate.

Settling Or Making The Most

Since the whole idea of whether or how to approach marriage with a woman has been kind of an overarching theme on my blog for some time, I thought I'd post a very interesting and thoughtful entry from a blog I came across regarding the ideas of "settling" for marriage and/or making the most of life regardless of your marital status. I won't offer more commentary on it. I don't think I can say it any better than the author has.

Mountains and Stars (The Counterblog)

Hot Orca-Men

Abridged from a (VERY) old e-mail to my buddy Tito. I'm totally opening myself up to relentless teasing for my odd dream, bordering on bestiality fetish, but even though I'm not turned on by animals, I thought the dream was just magical.

...oh my, I can only imagine the Google hits that last sentence is going to draw. Yikes.

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I was working at a place where we took people out on the water for tours. One day, when we went to the little dock attached to the building, there was an orca right there at the dock. It poked its nose up and even landed itself onto the dock, scooting into the building a little bit, nose-first, as if to investigate us. I was dumbfounded but had always wanted to touch one, so I walked up and petted its nose. It was thrilling. It seemed to respond positively, and we had a little moment of connection. So cool.

But the tour group had to leave--they were going to see something else--and they didn't seem nearly as interested in the orca, so they didn't interact with it.

OK, so in my dream there was a co-worker at the tour place who was a tall, dark, and handsome guy. The next day, I'm at a little work social, my friend [Jane] is there, everything's fun 'n all. This gorgeous co-worker walks into the room looking irritated and mildly hurt, sulking about how the tour group had ignored him yesterday. During the whole tour, they ignored him. He even came right up to see us at the dock, and they didn't spend time with him in the bay.

It was then I realized that HE was the orca--a sort of orca-man? I told him how I spent time with him and I touched his nose and was captivated by him. He seemed to be calmed and contented that I had genuinely been captivated. As we carried on a thoroughly engaging conversation, his attractiveness certainly wasn't in question, but I was pretty sure he was straight, so I didn't entertain the attraction.

Meanwhile, [Jane] was standing next to me, getting closer and closer. Strange since she's not interested in me. As we're finishing up our conversation, the guy says, "I am gay, even though most people think I'm straight by the way I act." Just as he said that, [Jane] planted one on me, on the lips. Just a peck, but precisely timed to coincide with that little revelation. My gaze was on him the whole time, though, as he withdrew. My eyes followed him as he went out the door, looking back momentarily. With my gaze fixed on him, I wiped my lips to get rid of any lipstick she might have left. I had found someone good-looking, sweet, and genuine, and he was also an orca! What's not to love?! As he coyly departed, I stood there thinking about actually dating him...and it was exciting.

Then, while standing there, feeling all contented and twitterpated, I woke up. I was ticked to wake up. You know how you have that moment where you're just waking up and questioning the reality of your dream, thinking maybe at least part of it was real? But when it dawned on me that my new source of twitterpation was also an orca, that pretty much clinched it as "not real". *sigh* No orca-man-riding in the ocean for me.

Heading It Off

Sleep in the same room but in separate beds. Any formerly full-time missionary is probably familiar with this counsel found in the white handbook. And any formerly full-time missionary has probably had many a chuckle over it.

But I've learned and re-learned the importance of this and similar counsel to make decisions ahead of time, to plan to avoid temptations that may be more than you can resist. I do believe we are not placed in situations we cannot resist. This applies to a lot of different things in life, not just matters of sexual expression. I simply don't buy the idea that we are mindless animals unable to control ourselves in certain circumstances. I fully reject the notion that "it's just the way I am to do this or that." I believe freedom to choose is the reigning principle in our lives.

I have been in situations in which resisting temptation was extremely difficult. I have been in situations in which I have not resisted temptations. I'm not talking about sex and drugs, but events in which I ended up acting in a way contrary to how I wanted to act. Contrary to who I want to be. But I certainly haven't just been thrust into such situations. Typically, I've seen the situation approaching from a mile away but just lacked the conviction, energy, or foresight to say, "Wait...I'm headed for a situation, here, and as much as I may enjoy the idea of experimenting or satiating my curiosity, there are reasons not to go there, and they are significant, and I need to change my direction, to 'head it off at the pass' before I lose the ability to see this situation objectively or lose clarity."

In certain situations, that foresight must come very early, at the first intimation of temptation. In others, it's something to be aware of and ready to act upon but can probably remain just a red flag to be kept in the line of vision in case the situation draws closer.

In giving in to temptations, we will do things which surprise ourselves. We will act contrary to the direction we previously declared we wanted to go. We will find ourselves in situations which provide a rush of euphoria-inducing chemicals, whether adrenaline or 'hormones' or foreign chemicals introduced by needles or smoke, and that rush can become our "god" or "master".

I have learned that when it comes to matters of physical affection, people are weak. Remarkably weak. It feels amazing to be physically close with someone to whom you're attracted, and it makes you want more closeness, more intensity of feeling. It's exhilarating, to be sure. It also can easily cross over from enjoying closeness and sincerely tender affection into a fully sexual experience. And please forgive my bluntness here, but I doubt penetration is required, in the eyes of most mature people, for something to be considered "sexual".

There have been many times when I've been close with someone with whom I would have really enjoyed doing "more". There have been times an attractive friend has cuddled into me, and I've had the impulse, even if briefly, to do something which could escalate the situation quickly into something bordering on lusty and sexual as opposed to "intimate," such as holding.

I'll just interject that I believe sexuality isn't evil. I've gained an appreciation, in fact, for the beauty of sexual expression in certain contexts. I have yet to feel free to fully express it with someone, but the idea is not foreign to me, if that makes any sense.

Many people may have little or no problem with engaging in the more sexual acts of heavy petting and grinding in more casual contexts and may find such things purely recreational, but I'm saying that IF I want to avoid certain situations and the temptation to go farther than I believe I should, then I have to draw my lines and recognize what track I'm on.

But I learned, early in my experience with other gay males, that there's a reason for all of this counsel I'd heard from church leaders regarding setting bounds ahead of time and deciding, prior to the situations, where to stop. Incidentally, the "same room but not in the same bed" counsel is remarkably valid. I've had enough discussions about regrettable actions to know that. I always used to think it was not a huge deal to go on co-ed camping trips or keep the tents separated by gender by a large distance. Now, I realize how necessary that counsel really is (for many people, at least). I'm very hesitant to allow same-sex attracted guests in my place to even sleep in the same room due to so many later discussions of regrettable things that have gone on in such situations.

I'm not going to tell you, my readers, what your boundaries should be. You're big boys and girls and perfectly capable of determining those on your own. But I am completely weary of hearing, "We didn't plan it. It just happened. My brain stops working and my penis starts doing the thinking." It's a convenient excuse, and one to which any normally sexual person will be quite sympathetic, but you took the steps to get to that point where it "just happened". At some point along the way, you decided to go into the situation you knew would probably cloud all judgement. I'll give you one or two such times. Maybe you didn't realize your weakness. Maybe you truly surprised yourself, but after being surprised one or two times, you are perfectly capable of saying, "Wow...I'm not good at resisting this, so if I intend to resist it in the future, there are simply situations I have to avoid entirely." Own it.

Or, on the flipside, just admit to yourself that you want what you're doing and getting it matters more to you than the reasons not to. If you are not setting up precautions to avoid certain situations, then you are, in fact, choosing to do that thing. Your priorities lay in the act you find yourself unable to resist because you are, in fact, choosing to do it by not avoiding it. We've all done things we didn't intend to or feel we shouldn't. But at some point, I think you have to be honest with yourself and either commit to avoiding the very first sign of temptation, or choose not to avoid it and acknowledge that you're so choosing, for whatever reason. I've found it helpful, anyway. I believe each of us has the power to make these decisions. Nobody is a slave to their hormones. Some people have conditions and addictions which require extra help, so I try to remember that and be sensitive to it, but for me, at least, I will insist that I am the one calling the shots.

A quote I like really applies to resisting temptation to act against your own conscience as well as forging your path: "If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you're headed." That statement is both cautionary and encouraging to me, and remembering it helps me make some of the seemingly smaller decisions in life.

Romance 101, Part 4

Renewed Vision. Emotional Lobotomy.

OK, so you knew SOME analysis was coming, didn't you?

When I started writing my thoughts, this was going to be just a post about what I refer to as "emotional lobotomy", or the deadening of feeling in an effort to make letting go of what you deeply desire less painful. It was mainly about Story 3, the freshest on my mind and the most puzzling to me.

Of course, other thoughts came as I wrote, and other relationships, and with distance from the pain of the situation, other perspectives came into view. I decided to expand it and write this whole stinking novel, mostly as a way for me to put my thoughts in some semblance of order, and also because I realized how much I've learned from different kinds of relationships.

I long for the connection of Story 1, the sweetness of Story 2, and the eagerness of Story 3, along with an internal green light to pursue it if/when it comes along. Each had an element of each in their own right, but each was also not an option to me in the long run for different reasons. I'm sure I'm not the only person in the world who has felt that way. I think that's just life.

Like I said previously, I think much of my emotional turmoil in relation to "Story 3" had more to do with my own emotional state, my own perceptions and perspectives, and my own outlook than with the guy involved. I knew, even immediately following our decision to avoid more romantic connection, this was not totally about him. Don't get me wrong: along with the physical attraction, I had felt genuine affection for him and was attracted to his personality. But the more personal (or interpersonal) details are for my private journal. What I will say here is that much or most of my heartache was probably more about my desires and thought patterns than about him. There were other issues around our friendship, but they were mostly incidental to or independent of a much deeper undercurrent of emotion: letting go of what may be, even if only by my own choice, just a fantasy relationship.

So I found myself accepting, again, that other things do matter more than giddy romance. I avoided trying to fill the void by finding another romance to "replace" it, which was a temptation but which I knew wouldn't actually heal anything but would just mask the void. Besides, I didn't have any desire to further cheapen the relationship or what I'd felt by going in search of a quick replacement. I drew closer to more committed friends. I busied myself with other things. I put more effort into "being" rather than "feeling". I began to accept that life without romance can be enjoyable and fulfilling through work and dedication to other meaningful pursuits, even if it's less exciting in ways I wanted to be excited. I felt worn but somehow wiser. More experienced and a bit jaded. More mature and hopeful in some ways, yet blandly resigned.

Self preservation? Mature understanding? Harmful self-deception? Depends on your perspective, I suppose. Whatever it was that made me feel more accepting of my situation, it was soothing at times, hellish at others. Now, looking back on the whole thing, it seems fairly distant and maybe a little silly I was ever so bent out of shape. But in the earlier moments of sadness, I looked disdainfully on the day I'd look back and consider those moments silly.

I am, again, somewhat accepting of the possibility of never "going there" again while maintaining a fulfilling, happy life. I can certainly find meaning in other areas of life. I will put my energy into serving where I can and trying to leave the world better than I found it. I will try to be kind and loving and selfless. I will seek fulfilling employment in which I can feel like I'm contributing to society. I will invest more actively in meaningful, lasting relationships, and keep the casual or non-productive ones peripheral. I will do these things with or without a relationship of the kind I so long for at times, and life will be rich and rewarding.

I can recognize, better than ever, when I'm beginning to fall for someone and watch for certain red flags to avoid the same pitfalls. I can even accept the idea of being with someone with whom I've never felt that "spark", even if I'm not yet ready to try it. There is so much that is truly lasting in a relationship: investment, trust, active love, commitment, selflessness. Do these make the romantic components pale in comparison? I can appreciate the security and joy of having a wife and raising beautiful children with her. And maybe the rest just won't be as I had always imagined, but isn't that true for most people?

Slowly, gradually, what seemed like such a tragic loss of verve in life begins to lose its sting with a broader perspective and more "realistic" approach. It begins to seem plausible that maybe it's like replacing really great junk food with healthful, nourishing food that's not as much fun to eat but ultimately better for me. And once I've grown accustomed to eating a healthy diet, junk food no longer holds the appeal it used to. But part of me wonders if the "food" I'm talking about really is junk, or whether it's actually gourmet. Sometimes it's hard to know.

When I'm honest with myself in other ways, I'm not, yet, ready to let go of hoping for some way of finding something more "ideal" than a love without romance, hoping to feel what I've felt and act on it. At the time I was feeling the sweetness of romantic affection so intensely, it felt like a true shame that I had gone through so much of my life without such beauty. But that "flame" comes and goes, and the butterflies in the stomach go away. Is that all there is to romance? Or is there more? I know couples who have been married for decades and still light up when they feel they're the luckiest person in the world for having their spouse or still seem to savor that kiss when they see each other after work. Isn't that a lasting version of the same thing? Maybe I would have that even if I didn't feel the spark initially? Or maybe those aren't important things anyway?

I can't help but question my reasons for coming to such an acceptance of the possibility of life without the romantic component as I have experienced it with males. Are the reasons valid? Are they eternal truths or are they cultural constructs which are compelling me to frame it all this way or that? Some of each? What do I really believe? What really rings true to me? I can't help but wonder, at times, if I have achieved a deeper spiritual and emotional understanding of what truly matters in a relationship and in life, gaining greater vision of eternal reality in meaningful self-denial, or if I have effectively lobotomized myself emotionally, going through life with all the eerie acceptance of the end of (the original) Stepford Wives.

Somehow, my inner pragmatist hopes the answer lies in my own free choice: what will my course be? And what will I make of it?

There are so many questions and seemingly so few answers. I'd guess a lot of life's more important aspects are that way. Part of me desires to let go of heady mentality and just live by my heart, letting go of analyses about which I will likely not reach conclusions to instead just fly on a simpler passion for life and a love of the rich experiences life offers, allowing myself my humanity and probably plenty of error. The part of me which almost always wins out, however, is the part which begs reason and consideration before, or sometimes at the expense of, what may amount to hedonistic action. I think there's a balance to be struck, and balance is difficult to achieve, so maybe I need to remember that when I see some people around me leaning away from consideration and caution.

Romance is a difficult arena in which to be dominated by thoughtful deliberation. I long to feel unbridled passion, yet I can't shake the notion that feelings as intense, as rich, and as striking as these must be worth bridling into something magnificent, harnessing their power for love, liveliness, selflessness, and commitment.

Those are my thoughts for now, wrapping up my essay on Romance 101. Maybe I'll have more to write when I've been through Romance 102. Or maybe I'll just skip to an intermediate-level course. That'd be nice.




Back to Part 3.

Guy Love

I just had to post this. It's so beautiful it made me cry tears of joy. Or laughter. Yeah, it was laughter.

For more background on this, go to the entry on Perfection Pending. Interesting discussion about "Romantic Friendship", which I think is a misnomer, but that's a discussion for her blog. *wink*