Viagra Made Me Do It

Maybe if I were on Viagra, I'd be able to blame my actions on my sex drive or being curious or caught up in a moment like everyone else seems to.

I've maintained fairly strict boundaries with people I was attracted to, even when they pushed for more, so it really confuses the hell out of me how all of these boys with supposedly "strong testimonies" that homosexual relationships are not right do things I've wanted to do but haven't, even when I was questioning or doubting the "wrongness" of it.

Am I just jealous? Yeah, probably. I've watched people I really care about, some of whom I wanted to be both emotionally and physically more intimate with, go and get some action with other people and claim it was "just once (or twice or three times)" or they "got caught up in the moment". Nice. I suppose that's what I get for allowing myself to fall for a guy, right? Had I fallen for a girl, people would maybe sympathize. But when you've fallen for a guy, you're just getting what you deserve for having loved in an unacceptable way, one contrary to the eternal plan. But no, I'm angry, and I'm not going to apologize for it.

It makes me question the value of "holding back" or respecting other people's boundaries (physically and/or sexually) when it seems everyone else is in it for himself or to get a little satisfaction wherever he can. Hell, maybe I'll just push for more next time, and when we go "too far", I'll shrug and say, "Hey, it takes two to tango, and someone else would've done it if I didn't, so it's not my fault if they went farther than they originally intended."

But it's MY boundaries that keep me from doing more. I'm the prude. So I keep things tame and yearn for intimacy but try to keep it in check, and those I'm feeling affection for go and have their fun with someone else more willing, less reserved, more attractive. And I'm left feeling utterly foolish and naive for thinking what we had was "special" in the way I wanted it to be special, and I feel like I'm left in the emotional ditch. Especially when a mutual attraction and emotional intimacy has been expressed but I've been careful not to cross "boundaries" we've both admitted we're tempted to cross, then the other person goes and crosses them with someone else, which indicates my feelings were not entirely reciprocated. Twisting vice in the gut. How could I be so stupid?

Sometimes they're sorry for any pain they unintentionally caused. Sometimes they're not. I'm not sure it matters right now. I'm disgusted. I'm hurt. I'm pissed. I want to stop caring, but I can't seem to. Part of me wants to be looser and less concerned about long term effects of "acting out" by being physically intimate beyond cuddling, so I could just do the things I've wanted and "repent later", but I won't. It sometimes seems my only options for self-protection are to either never allow myself to fall for another guy (AKA avoid anyone who is attractive to me) or to let go of my conservative/romanticized perceptions of sexuality to adopt a more "free love" attitude, and the first option makes me want to cry, and the second seems highly unlikely and mostly undesirable.

Don't get me wrong, I regard sexuality as a beautiful thing. I think sex would be an amazing way of connecting with another person. I also think it would be fun and exciting. I want it. I want it a lot. But I've only ever felt the desire for physical intimacy of a romantic or sexual kind with one person at a time. How do people feel the desire to have that kind of intimacy with more than one person at a time? Have I just managed to avoid putting myself in situations where that might happen to me, or am I just that dedicated and loyal, or am I secretly codependent? Why am I such a clinical monogamist? Is it only a matter of time before I'm liberated into the same polyamory I see in the gay world all around me? Am I awaiting some enlightenment that will make it clear to me that sex is sex and romance is romance, and they're all separate and needn't be balled up into one jealous, conglomerate relationship?

In the past, when I've been this confused, this troubled, this hurt by what I see around me, I've most often later found that I was missing something. Or maybe I hadn't experienced something. Some would now probably counsel me to go out and have sex and get it over with. Then I'd understand how easy it is and would be more forgiving. But despite opportunity, I've NOT done it, so righteous indignation takes over. Perhaps that's my own weakness. I'm being judgmental because I haven't experienced it. But I won't go out and have sex to experience it. I could. But I won't, for various personal reasons.

So here I am, the naive guy who has barely any experience in intimate, romantic relationships or in physical expression of romantic affection, while everyone else around me runs off into the exciting and bonding world of expressed sexuality as the "normal" and "adult" thing to do, often coming back to the safety of the one they're "safe" with (e.g. me), and I'm about ready to tell them all to piss off and find other more experienced friends. Leave me in the company of sexually repressed friends where I don't feel like an idiot and a delicate boy to be patronized, and I'm fairly certain nobody's going to be screwing around.

So yeah, if you wanna help me out, start slipping me Viagra so I can be more "normal" and stop keeping it in my pants. Then I'll join the ranks of the sexually experienced and casually dismiss any questions with the conscience-numbing, responsibility-defusing phrase: "Viagra made me do it."