29 July 2009

Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay

Questions some of you, particularly friends and family of SSA/gay/queer/heterosexually challenged guys/gals/in-betweens, may have asked yourselves: Why do people shove their homosexuality in others' faces and expect them to accept it? Why is it that my friend who has acknowledged his/her homosexual inclinations or has finally come out talks incessantly about gayness and flaunts his/her attractions all the time? Why can't he/she just acknowledge it and move on? There's more to him/her than this one thing, but it's like he/she is trying to force all of us to accept it and like it.

1. Question whether you actually mean to say, "Why do they bring up their attractions or ogle people they find attractive just as much as any straighty does?" And realize it may be your problem, not theirs, if you're uncomfortable with the fact that their attraction is directed towards people you don't think it should be. Perhaps they're just acting like a typical guy/girl? Maybe?

2. Often, especially earlier in the "coming to terms with one's homosexuality" process, regardless of whether they intend to pursue a same-sex relationship, people do go overboard like a kid in a candy store. You might, too, if you'd held it all back for twenty-some years. The adolescent, eye-popping "appreciation" of beauty they never allowed themselves to acknowledge even to themselves is sometimes too much for newbies to contain, and they become drooling messes.

3. It feels amazing to finally be able to talk about it and express the thoughts that were kept so secretive, especially with others who fully identify. This means newbies may jump into their new circle of friends, somewhat forgetting or neglecting their long-term friends. This phenomenon is not exclusive to homos. Anyone who has been through something most people don't understand and find people who know where they're coming from want to be with those people and identify with them for a time, and sometimes that spills over into their other relationships as they gush. Most of us get past that. It may take a year or three, but most of us get past it.

4. There's often an element of defensiveness. People do this in all sorts of situations. Often, when someone thinks the decisions they've made or their life situation is threatening or uncomfortable to others, particularly those whose acceptance and love they care about, I think they do "flaunt" it in a way as a subconscious test. They may feel insecure, and instead of hiding the part of themselves they feel is disapproved, they magnify it out of proportion, testing others to make sure their friendship or love transcends it. It's an odd sort of thing to do to people, but I see it all over. Try to think of ways you might even have done it at some point. The defensive unconditional love test.

My advice: be patient. If it seems excessive, let them know in as kind and patient a way as you can think of. Do it in a way that doesn't make them feel like they can't ever express that part of themselves while reminding them that there's a lot about them you appreciate and love, and you don't want to see that get lost by one issue, no matter what the issue is. If their behavior becomes destructive to your well-being or to the friendship, you may have to pull back and let them go through it and hope they do go through it rather than getting stuck in it. But if you can stay close, it may help them for you to be a reminder of other facets of their life and other friendships, so their social circle doesn't become so limited and exclusive as to center their whole life around their sexuality or become too one-faceted. It's hard. I've been there. I may still be there to some extent. Most of my friends where I live are gay (or, for those of you who prefer other terminology for yourselves: same-sex attracted), and while we talk about much more than homoness, I recognize that I'm still seeking somewhat of a balance.

So I'd like to thank those of you who have patiently rolled your eyes or swallowed your distaste or simply understood as I may have been excessively, or exclusively, homoish at times and have remained my good friends who appreciated and knew more about me than one aspect of my life. I've appreciated it.

My advice to others who have let one aspect of their lives become their sole focus: the shininess will wear off. Make sure you don't alienate those who bring balance to your life. And for goodness' sake, you needn't parade promiscuity in order to gain acceptance. Who taught you that anyway?


Max Power said...

OMO, you could never be too homoish for me. ;)

Ezra said...

Great post. I agree.

drakames said...

This is awesome. Like Ezra, I agree!

Bravone said...

I love this post. It is great advice for both gays and those important in their lives.

Quinn said...

Yup, Yup and Yup.

EJ said...

I heart you, Omo... wait, that came off way too gay~