15 July 2009


After reading about how yoga can cure homosexuality, I figured I should finally give it a shot.

Maybe I'll sign up for a JIM weekend while I'm at it.

And sever all ties with homosexuals (that should leave me with about two friends locally).

And give my heart, might, mind, and strength over to Dr. Robinson.

Oh, and avoid the gym for a while. ...and BYU.

And not watch Will & Grace anymore. Or Gay, Straight, or Taken. ...or Ugly Betty. ...or Brothers & Sisters. ...or The Bachelorette.

And start dressing in baggier clothes like I used to. No more fitted stuff from Express and Banana Republic--we all know how subversive to heterosexuality they are.

And go back to pretending I don't notice the hot shirtless guys all summer but instead looking everywhere but at them so as to not give myself away but all the while glancing back to sneak secret peeks at their lean, glistening physiques and telling myself it's not sexual but an intense curiosity and a jealousy because I really just want to be like them, not "get with" them.

And junk my movies which show gay characters in a humanizing, normalizing light. No more The Family Stone for me.

And work on being less selfish and narcissistic because selfishness breeds homosexuality.

And recognize that the notion of same-sex relationships working long-term and matching the intimacy and personal progress of mixed-sex relationships is a farce and is inherently impossible because of the nature of homosexual/homoromantic attraction, even if society adapts to foster same-sex commitment.

And frame my attractions to men as the sexualization and distortion of identification and connection needs while framing my attractions to women (there are some in here somewhere, I'm sure) as God-given and totally hubba hubba.

And make more straight friends to establish healthy, non-romantic male bonds, thereby increasing masculine identification and removing the stumbling block which prevented the natural development of heterosexual feelings in adolescence.

And read scriptures and pray and go to church and write in my journal...

And ask nice, young, LDS ladies out weekly to establish habit and become accustomed to interacting with women on a potentially romantic level again. After all, dating isn't meant to be fun: it's meant to be a way of finding a compatible partner who...

*Note to self: also make an effort not to say things like "Compatible Partners" when speaking of women...terribly self-defeating...*

Gosh, no wonder people "struggle" so much with gay-to-straight conversion; it might even be harder than heathen-to-Mormon conversion! Those of you who say you have tried and failed obviously just weren't working hard enough. Freak! I'll start tomorrow, maybe...


Alan said...

An inspired post. And you are likely to have as much "success" as I did after years of almost all of that.

Max Power said...

Try that. And then when you have a complete emotional and mental meltdown, and your brain explodes, then you'll be ready for true acceptance of what your orientation is, knowing that you honestly gave it 110% effort and you didn't change into a hetero.

Then there will be no guilt about living with your boyfriend. Your life will become enjoyable. You'll be able to get out of bed in the morning because you have someone to live for. You'll be calm, cool and collected. Life actually becomes worth living.

It worked for me. :)

Original Mohomie said...

Ha, well I'm actually not so cynical as to claim all of those techniques for gaining heteronormative function or whatever are invalid or harmful (depending on motives and attitude) or to assert that anyone who says they've experienced a shift from primarily homosexual thoughts and feelings to primarily heterosexual thoughts and feelings is a liar.

I'm not trying to put anyone down or lay down some thick, bitter sarcasm. I'm just sticking my tongue deep in my cheek and pointing out how complete the effort has to be to have been considered "valid". And I'll admit to some pretty strong skepticism about some of those things. And I do think the pressure to do all of those things can lead people into a pretty ugly emotional place when they feel like they've given so much and not experienced changes they thought they were promised. When I hear people say, "You just need to try. Do you even want this?" I want to show them all that's involved in such an effort and help them step back and see how much is involved, maybe helping them question whether they would have the fortitude and conviction to change so much about their daily life and relationships for a very uncertain return...

For now, I'm sticking to trying to be my best self according to the beliefs and principles I embrace. I feel good about that. While I would deeply love to have a companion in life with children to raise and sometimes feel loneliness despite some good friendships, I don't believe I need a partner to feel happy and productive in life, and I don't believe I need to be hetero to feel like a whole person, y'know?

I just wanted to clarify that, lest anyone should read this post as more bitter or biting than I intended it.

D-Train said...

"While I would deeply love to have a companion in life with children to raise and sometimes feel loneliness despite some good friendships, I don't believe I need a partner to feel happy and productive in life, and I don't believe I need to be hetero to feel like a whole person, y'know?"

Read: I have not met Mr. Right yet. :P

And that is okay. I know a guy that was 35 when he met Mr. Right. You're still a spring chicken Mr. Mohomie.

Anonymous said...

I like you.

Bravone said...

I think watching a bit more Walker Texas Ranger would also help you to feel more manly. Just a thought.

EJ said...

I love Ugly Betty, too! Oh, and if you want more manliness in your life, do what I did: call on Chuck Norris~

Alan said...

Here's a bit of real world experience: