After reading about how yoga can cure homosexuality, I figured I should finally give it a shot.
Maybe I'll sign up for a JIM weekend while I'm at it.
And sever all ties with homosexuals (that should leave me with about two friends locally).
And give my heart, might, mind, and strength over to Dr. Robinson.
Oh, and avoid the gym for a while. ...and BYU.
And not watch Will & Grace anymore. Or Gay, Straight, or Taken. ...or Ugly Betty. ...or Brothers & Sisters. ...or The Bachelorette.
And start dressing in baggier clothes like I used to. No more fitted stuff from Express and Banana Republic--we all know how subversive to heterosexuality they are.
And go back to pretending I don't notice the hot shirtless guys all summer but instead looking everywhere but at them so as to not give myself away but all the while glancing back to sneak secret peeks at their lean, glistening physiques and telling myself it's not sexual but an intense curiosity and a jealousy because I really just want to be like them, not "get with" them.
And junk my movies which show gay characters in a humanizing, normalizing light. No more The Family Stone for me.
And work on being less selfish and narcissistic because selfishness breeds homosexuality.
And recognize that the notion of same-sex relationships working long-term and matching the intimacy and personal progress of mixed-sex relationships is a farce and is inherently impossible because of the nature of homosexual/homoromantic attraction, even if society adapts to foster same-sex commitment.
And frame my attractions to men as the sexualization and distortion of identification and connection needs while framing my attractions to women (there are some in here somewhere, I'm sure) as God-given and totally hubba hubba.
And make more straight friends to establish healthy, non-romantic male bonds, thereby increasing masculine identification and removing the stumbling block which prevented the natural development of heterosexual feelings in adolescence.
And read scriptures and pray and go to church and write in my journal...
And ask nice, young, LDS ladies out weekly to establish habit and become accustomed to interacting with women on a potentially romantic level again. After all, dating isn't meant to be fun: it's meant to be a way of finding a compatible partner who...
*Note to self: also make an effort not to say things like "Compatible Partners" when speaking of women...terribly self-defeating...*
Gosh, no wonder people "struggle" so much with gay-to-straight conversion; it might even be harder than heathen-to-Mormon conversion! Those of you who say you have tried and failed obviously just weren't working hard enough. Freak! I'll start tomorrow, maybe...