Testing the "Coming Out" Waters at Work

So my female coworker was talking today about how her old boyfriend is getting married. Her first boyfriend, in fact. She paused with this inquisitively introspective expression and said, "My first boyfriend is getting married. And...I'm still unmarried." Her comparisons and reasons for finding this mildly galling and/or obfuscating are irrelevant. We're talking about me, here.

I saw this as an opportunity for a little fun. I quickly looked at her, shrugged and replied, "My first boyfriend's still unmarried." I nodded as I said so, being sure to appear candid and frank.

This frank proclamation, not secretly whispered, was quite audible to other coworkers busily clacking away at their keyboards. Not one flinched. They made every effort to be "minding their own business". Straight-faced (no pun intended), I grinned inside as I perceived their right-wing brains shifting gears wildly to process this bit of information into their slightly jolted conservative paradigms. I also found amusement in the imagined exchange of wagers upon my departure from the room.

She didn't miss a beat. She just nodded and said, "Right, but there's that whole geographical issue of having to move to another state for that. But for me..." I smiled wryly and said, "OK, so I've never had a boyfriend." She laughed (with that perfectly balanced expression that safely expressed both "I knew you were just joking" and "it's OK if you weren't joking") and went on with her story, and our other coworkers showed no sign of relief or skepticism. They were still minding their own business.

So I'm guessing she'd take the news in stride. Sometimes, it's just fun to test the waters to see how people might react. And sometimes, the funnest is when they hardly react at all.


Additional note: during a quarterly evaluation interview with my supervisor, she told me my teammates really seem to like me, and one of the girls thought I was just adorable. Then she said, "I know it's a personal question, but why aren't you married?" Scenarios blazed through my mind about how this could go. "What the @#$%, just tell her." "No, wait, you're in a cubicle, not an office. At least 3 other people will overhear, two of whom may not react well." "Oh, who cares? Just say it quietly." "And get into a conversation here and now? No, this is not the time or place. Besides, even though I'm not 'afraid' to tell her, it's really not her business." "Oh, but you could tell her now, and since she asked you in an interview, and you came out, they would certainly be hesitant to fire you over anything for fear of accusations of discrimination. Talk about job security!" "No, no, like I'd ever actually manipulate people that way. Besides, I don't need to." "OK, maybe a little bit." "No."

I didn't tell her. But I thought about sending her a link to North Star's web site afterwards. Just for kicks. Maybe one of these days.

Different Kind of Writer's Block

It's strange. I have no shortage of ideas to write about. In fact, I have probably 15 recent drafts I haven't finished or polished enough to publish yet. I have one I wrote late at night just a couple of nights ago when my mind wouldn't rest until I'd written my thoughts out. I have several older posts I never finished. I don't know how many in all, but a few dozen, probably. Yet I just don't seem to have the drive to finish them and post them.

Part of it is I have been focusing my energy on other areas of life and have been less interested in writing about my dilemmas and questions and theoretical explorations regarding homosexuality. I still have plenty going on in my mind regarding interpersonal relationships and their dynamics and trials. Dealing with the lingering wound from perceived betrayal, trying to reach forgiveness, wondering what that even entails, realizing the importance of friendships I've neglected on and off over the years depending on how excited I've been by new associations, retreating into my auto-pilot hermit mode, except for a very select few chosen friends...

I think the biggest block to my writing at this point is that most of what I am thinking or writing deals directly with other people. It's personal. My blog was never meant to be a word vomit bucket to show to the world. What I'm inclined to write will have to be carefully worded to avoid revealing the parties involved or carefully masked, leaving only the abstract thoughts and principles without the direct, personal, concrete applications. Maybe that's best. But it requires a bit of time, a bit of effort.

And I want to make sure what I'm posting will be of some use or benefit to those who read it. As inclined as I am, sometimes, to just lay it all out and "open up" to my readers in a raw, unfiltered way, I am also uninterested in false intimacy or misdirected cries for help and input.

I have enough people who are wise and care about me to receive input from them. It's good to have more objective input, too, but how objective can counsel or feedback get before it's fairly useless? And is it worth the risk of incriminating other people in the process? No, probably not.

So for now, just for now, I am sitting on my many posts a little while longer while I consider these questions. I do a lot of sitting in life. I'm trying to make decisions more freely, but maybe this is not an appropriate arena in which to risk hastiness.

I'd Be a Good Partner...I Think

Sometimes, when I've had a glimpse at what it might be like to have a romantic relationship, I feel a bit silly that I'm...well...my age and have never had a "real" relationship. I'd probably be a dang fine companion in a lot of ways:

• I'm a one-person guy. I really don't think I can imagine myself looking seriously elsewhere while I have someone at my side. I can't really imagine myself as codependent, but I am, in a word, "loyal"...as far as I can tell.
  
• I'm interested in the other person and in what makes them tick and what they are interested in and enjoy, and I try to explore those things while sharing my own interests.
  
• I appreciate communication. I'm not the world's best communicator, perhaps, but I'm open to trying and won't run away from an uncomfortable or important discussion. I prefer to talk things through when possible rather than ignore them, yet I still can let go of most little things. If you just talk to me openly rather than clam up or try to sweep it under the rug, I'll pretty much take you at your word.
  
• I appreciate complementary (read "opposite in a good way") traits in others and enjoy learning and growing as a result of those. Certain differences, then, become opportunities to share and grow from each other, not just annoyances.
  
• I enjoy doing things with the people I care about. Cooking, hiking, talking, laughing, road-tripping, gardening, biking, movie-watching, doing things neither of us has done before...I'm not a "watch the game and drink beer" guy. How boring is that?
  
• I'm patient. I can wait things out without being a doormat. I like to hope for the best in people. Sure, if I lose faith in you, it's hard to get it back, but I generally try my best not to totally lose faith in people. I may be realistic, but I usually try to hold on, even if casually, to that last shred of hope.
  
• I am surprisingly affectionate, I think, in the right circumstances/relationship. I'm normally a bit of a cold fish, but I have another side, a warmer, more affectionate one.
  

Well, I could go on forever touting my own virtues, as there are many. Of course, there are many traits that would probably make it hard to be my partner. At least two or three of them, anyway.

But seriously, how can I know what I'm really like in a "real" relationship? I've never had a real relationship to bring these strengths and weaknesses out for any length of time to test their durability. I may never. And I'm not sure how I feel about that. But I'll take it day by day and try to stay open to the possibility that one way or another, I might actually have such a relationship someday. Until then, I guess my friends and family will have to do. *wink*

Yay For Gymnasts

So I came home after work and turned on the TV, and it was set to G4, the channel that has those Japanese shows where they have people doing all kinds of obstacle courses. Those can be entertaining and are tolerable when the announcers aren't being raunchy like junior high boys, so I watched for a bit.

Tonight, they had a "Hand Walk" obstacle course on the show "Unbeatable Banzuke" where the contestants were all gymnasts who had to go through the obstacle course entirely standing/walking on their hands. It was really quite impressive, the balance and endurance required to get through inclines, declines, wobbling platforms, and water. Only one contestant made it through all the way. To see a clip, go to Duty Free TV and click "Unbeatable Banzuke", then click the channel knob once.

I was enjoying watching it mostly because I've always loved gymnastics and envy the ability to do stuff like that, and it was pretty amusing. But I won't deny that part of my enjoyment of said show was seeing ripped young guys in singlets flexing their muscles under the exertion and doing strangely attractive--albeit awkward and sometimes absurdly comical--things with their bodies. Dang, gymnasts are hot! Maybe it's a good thing there are so many FTPs* among them--helps keep my lust under control.

I was watching one of the straightest channels on TV but still finding a way to make it anything but straight. I laughed at myself.


*OK, fine, for those of you who don't know, I'll tell you: FTP = Face To Protect, as in "he has a million-dollar body and a face to protect it". But don't expect me to reveal the meanings of my other acronyms. They must be kept discreet to maintain their usability in public situations. *grin*

Be The Change

I've struggled a lot lately with moho culture and gay culture in general. There's a whole lot about it which really disgusts me. I've wanted to vent in all kinds of ways on my blog. I've wanted to "expose" the more negative aspects which probably get glossed over by many people in their efforts to be tolerant and understanding or completely unnoticed by people whose paradigms simply don't allow them to see it.

But almost every time I've started writing about these behaviors and attitudes I see so prevalent around me, my writing is stayed by an inexplicable sense of restraint, and I've just saved a draft, taken the post in a slightly different direction, or canceled writing it altogether.

Just last night, I was feeling particularly disgusted by it all and a bit bitter. I was feeling embarrassed I'd allowed myself to become as connected as I am to such an ill subculture. I wanted to enumerate a list of prevalent problems I see in the culture but maybe follow it up with some token virtues I see in it as well. Of course, I could make other lists about Mormon culture, Utah culture, American culture, indie culture, small town culture, academia's culture, or any other culture close enough to home to have been disgusted or embarrassed by it at some time or another. Every culture has its virtues and ills.

But tonight, as I was driving home from work, I remembered an attitude I've often forgotten lately. I found a lot of peace in this practice in the past: when I see evils or flaws or ills around me, rather than complaining about them or proclaiming them and expounding on their wrongness, I can simply try to be the opposite, myself. With that attitude, they cease to be embittering stains everywhere I look and instead become motivators to improving myself and perhaps others around me who feel motivated by any positive changes they may notice in me. By freeing up the time I would otherwise spend declaring the ills around me, I am more able to focus on finding their antitheses in the world around me and drawing those out to emulate them and appreciate them. If the antitheses aren't to be found in my circles, then I have the opportunity to explore the possibilities myself, forging new paths, which is exciting and motivating. For the first time, I associated this attitude with the famous quote, "Be the change you wish to see in the world," and I think that's the essence of it.

A caveat: I won't pretend the problems don't exist. I'll resist being lulled into unhealthy circles and relationships. In seeking to focus on the positives in people, it's foolish to completley ignore the pitfalls of investing in unhealthy or entirely frivolous relationships. In attempting to see the best in others, I think it quite foolish to embrace all relationships out of a desire to be "loving" or, as I believe is more often the case, a need to feel "loved".

Nevertheless, rather than list the problems which are currently bothering me most, I will strive to be more considerate, to show more sensitivity to others' needs, to look for what's beyond outward appearances, to truly love beyond basic affection, to maintain principles more consistently, to be more constructive in my speech, to generally speak of people as if they were in the room, to be more honest, up-front, and sincere, to make my life more integral, to forgive more completely, to offer service more freely, to make my motivations more selfless, to dedicate my time to more meaningful learning and pursuits, to take more ownership of my decisions.

I want to spend less energy calling out the wrongs and stupidity of others and more energy magnifying the principles and habits that will vanquish those same wrongs from myself. The best way to prove I really consider them wrong is to strive to eliminate them from my own life or, more on par with the revised attitude, build the virtues which replace them. I'm inclined to think it's just a happier, better way to live.

"If they're so happy, why do they need support groups?"

*** Post begun 1 May 2008, finished 28 Oct 2010 ***

In a discussion forum I don't frequent but dropped in on recently, gay LDS and former LDS people were discussing ex-gay ministries or organizations, and someone mentioned a new organization called North Star. They said it seemed to be different from others because they focused less on change and carried a more positive message with less shame.

Someone piped in, mentioning that the pictures of people on the web site were all happy, smiling faces, and the person asked, "So why do they need North Star and its support groups if they're all so happy and confident about their lives?"

I had never thought of people looking at it that way. After getting over my initial surprise, I balked a bit and thought, "You might as well ask why Affirmation exists, or Pride Festivals." Even if you're happy in your path and confident you're following truth, there's benefit in being among others who believe similarly and will walk that path with you. And sometimes, doing the right thing isn't easy and requires some love and support and friendship to see you through. On top of that, when the thing you believe is not necessarily popular in some ways, it's nice to find others who are similarly different and can walk with and reinforce you in doing something you fully believe in but which isn't necessarily easy.