It's strange. I have no shortage of ideas to write about. In fact, I have probably 15 recent drafts I haven't finished or polished enough to publish yet. I have one I wrote late at night just a couple of nights ago when my mind wouldn't rest until I'd written my thoughts out. I have several older posts I never finished. I don't know how many in all, but a few dozen, probably. Yet I just don't seem to have the drive to finish them and post them.
Part of it is I have been focusing my energy on other areas of life and have been less interested in writing about my dilemmas and questions and theoretical explorations regarding homosexuality. I still have plenty going on in my mind regarding interpersonal relationships and their dynamics and trials. Dealing with the lingering wound from perceived betrayal, trying to reach forgiveness, wondering what that even entails, realizing the importance of friendships I've neglected on and off over the years depending on how excited I've been by new associations, retreating into my auto-pilot hermit mode, except for a very select few chosen friends...
I think the biggest block to my writing at this point is that most of what I am thinking or writing deals directly with other people. It's personal. My blog was never meant to be a word vomit bucket to show to the world. What I'm inclined to write will have to be carefully worded to avoid revealing the parties involved or carefully masked, leaving only the abstract thoughts and principles without the direct, personal, concrete applications. Maybe that's best. But it requires a bit of time, a bit of effort.
And I want to make sure what I'm posting will be of some use or benefit to those who read it. As inclined as I am, sometimes, to just lay it all out and "open up" to my readers in a raw, unfiltered way, I am also uninterested in false intimacy or misdirected cries for help and input.
I have enough people who are wise and care about me to receive input from them. It's good to have more objective input, too, but how objective can counsel or feedback get before it's fairly useless? And is it worth the risk of incriminating other people in the process? No, probably not.
So for now, just for now, I am sitting on my many posts a little while longer while I consider these questions. I do a lot of sitting in life. I'm trying to make decisions more freely, but maybe this is not an appropriate arena in which to risk hastiness.