Viagra Made Me Do It

Maybe if I were on Viagra, I'd be able to blame my actions on my sex drive or being curious or caught up in a moment like everyone else seems to.

I've maintained fairly strict boundaries with people I was attracted to, even when they pushed for more, so it really confuses the hell out of me how all of these boys with supposedly "strong testimonies" that homosexual relationships are not right do things I've wanted to do but haven't, even when I was questioning or doubting the "wrongness" of it.

Am I just jealous? Yeah, probably. I've watched people I really care about, some of whom I wanted to be both emotionally and physically more intimate with, go and get some action with other people and claim it was "just once (or twice or three times)" or they "got caught up in the moment". Nice. I suppose that's what I get for allowing myself to fall for a guy, right? Had I fallen for a girl, people would maybe sympathize. But when you've fallen for a guy, you're just getting what you deserve for having loved in an unacceptable way, one contrary to the eternal plan. But no, I'm angry, and I'm not going to apologize for it.

It makes me question the value of "holding back" or respecting other people's boundaries (physically and/or sexually) when it seems everyone else is in it for himself or to get a little satisfaction wherever he can. Hell, maybe I'll just push for more next time, and when we go "too far", I'll shrug and say, "Hey, it takes two to tango, and someone else would've done it if I didn't, so it's not my fault if they went farther than they originally intended."

But it's MY boundaries that keep me from doing more. I'm the prude. So I keep things tame and yearn for intimacy but try to keep it in check, and those I'm feeling affection for go and have their fun with someone else more willing, less reserved, more attractive. And I'm left feeling utterly foolish and naive for thinking what we had was "special" in the way I wanted it to be special, and I feel like I'm left in the emotional ditch. Especially when a mutual attraction and emotional intimacy has been expressed but I've been careful not to cross "boundaries" we've both admitted we're tempted to cross, then the other person goes and crosses them with someone else, which indicates my feelings were not entirely reciprocated. Twisting vice in the gut. How could I be so stupid?

Sometimes they're sorry for any pain they unintentionally caused. Sometimes they're not. I'm not sure it matters right now. I'm disgusted. I'm hurt. I'm pissed. I want to stop caring, but I can't seem to. Part of me wants to be looser and less concerned about long term effects of "acting out" by being physically intimate beyond cuddling, so I could just do the things I've wanted and "repent later", but I won't. It sometimes seems my only options for self-protection are to either never allow myself to fall for another guy (AKA avoid anyone who is attractive to me) or to let go of my conservative/romanticized perceptions of sexuality to adopt a more "free love" attitude, and the first option makes me want to cry, and the second seems highly unlikely and mostly undesirable.

Don't get me wrong, I regard sexuality as a beautiful thing. I think sex would be an amazing way of connecting with another person. I also think it would be fun and exciting. I want it. I want it a lot. But I've only ever felt the desire for physical intimacy of a romantic or sexual kind with one person at a time. How do people feel the desire to have that kind of intimacy with more than one person at a time? Have I just managed to avoid putting myself in situations where that might happen to me, or am I just that dedicated and loyal, or am I secretly codependent? Why am I such a clinical monogamist? Is it only a matter of time before I'm liberated into the same polyamory I see in the gay world all around me? Am I awaiting some enlightenment that will make it clear to me that sex is sex and romance is romance, and they're all separate and needn't be balled up into one jealous, conglomerate relationship?

In the past, when I've been this confused, this troubled, this hurt by what I see around me, I've most often later found that I was missing something. Or maybe I hadn't experienced something. Some would now probably counsel me to go out and have sex and get it over with. Then I'd understand how easy it is and would be more forgiving. But despite opportunity, I've NOT done it, so righteous indignation takes over. Perhaps that's my own weakness. I'm being judgmental because I haven't experienced it. But I won't go out and have sex to experience it. I could. But I won't, for various personal reasons.

So here I am, the naive guy who has barely any experience in intimate, romantic relationships or in physical expression of romantic affection, while everyone else around me runs off into the exciting and bonding world of expressed sexuality as the "normal" and "adult" thing to do, often coming back to the safety of the one they're "safe" with (e.g. me), and I'm about ready to tell them all to piss off and find other more experienced friends. Leave me in the company of sexually repressed friends where I don't feel like an idiot and a delicate boy to be patronized, and I'm fairly certain nobody's going to be screwing around.

So yeah, if you wanna help me out, start slipping me Viagra so I can be more "normal" and stop keeping it in my pants. Then I'll join the ranks of the sexually experienced and casually dismiss any questions with the conscience-numbing, responsibility-defusing phrase: "Viagra made me do it."

If There Were a Pill...

...which was proven to "cure" homosexuality in one dose (AKA dissolve your homosexual/homoromantic feelings/desires/inclinations/passions and replace them with matching heterosexual/heteroromantic ones), and it was offered to you for free, would you take it?

Someone's statement today resurfaced this question for me. It reminded me of several months ago when my mom asked, "Wouldn't you rather not be same-sex attracted if you could help it? Wouldn't life be easier for you if you weren't torn between what you want and what you believe is appropriate to act on, or to feel more able to find a wife and start a family?" She seemed a little surprised (I hope not devastated) when I said maybe, but I wasn't so sure that I would. How I am is what I know, and it's hard to not want what you want (or not to believe what you believe). Yeah, it's a conflict, but I just don't know if I would take that pill. Maybe. Some days I'd be more inclined than others, perhaps.

Some of my reasons for reluctance towards said hypothetical pill are personal. Some may be very much emotional and possibly not logically defensible. Some I'm not sure I can even identify. But it's an interesting question to ask myself from time to time. Makes me pause to reflect on and assess a few things.

I admittedly worry for people who would stubbornly decry the very existence of the pill and would refuse to even consider taking it because "change" is another word for "dishonesty" and "hatred". But just as much, I worry for people who would be overzealous in their eagerness to take it to become "normal". I worry their attitude will lead them to miss out on the opportunity to love themselves as they are before moving on and to use that love in understanding others. I worry they're trying to skip learning to live life deliberately, to bridle their passions, to see beyond the "monster" they've created in their minds. I even worry they'd be overly confident that all of their problems would be solved by becoming heterosexual and life would be a cakewalk from that point on. I can't say I'd totally blame people for being first in line. But I would (or do) hold back and let the eager masses go first while I figure out if I really even hope to say goodbye to this part of me once and for all. Even if it seems obvious it could resolve certain conflicts for me, it's not a comfortable prospect to shift an entire paradigm and approach life from a very different angle.

Is it possible I've become addicted to or dependent on "the conflict"? It is, after all, certainly a puzzle. I like puzzles. OK, I obsess over puzzles. And it does make me a bit of an oddity, though the high number of LDS SSA/gay/struggler bloggers cropping up are beginning to make me feel annoyingly non-abnormal. Dang. I enjoy the self-flattery of fancying myself to be an anomaly of sorts. I do hope I don't have so much energy and identity tied up in the "conflict" that I wouldn't know who I am without it, that I wouldn't know where life's next mystery is if I were to let go of one side or the other.

Maybe I'd sample the gradual change pill. You know, out of curiosity. Maybe one that would make me "straight" just for a day. See how I like it. Then back to the safety net of neurotic, repressed mohoness to which I'm so affectionately accustomed.

Common Ground? Not So Sure...

I recently attended a "town hall" meeting regarding the Common Ground Initiative in Salt Lake. Sitting in a room full of gay activists and allies, I felt distinctly...distinct. I looked around the room and thought, "The people crying most loudly to be treated like everyone else are not at all LIKE everyone else. They're rougher, more crass, seemingly oblivious to how bizarre their appearance and speech would seem to most people they encounter on a daily basis. I don't think my perspective is SO skewed that I don't realize that I live in a cozy, suburban bubble that belies reality. I think they are probably deceived, unaware of the oddity and crudity of their behavior and sexual expression." Mind you, people looking or behaving "differently" should be no excuse for treating them with any less dignity or respect than anyone else, except perhaps where they're dishing out disrespect themselves. So I'm not saying people who are different don't deserve rights. I am simply saying I wasn't sure what, exactly, they were really hoping for...was it to be seen as "normal" and "typical" regardless of what they do and say? I wasn't sure. That may sound ignorant, but it's what I thought. Here I was, a gay man rather turned off by gay men and women and their in-your-face, militant attitudes. In their spouting off, they demonstrated just as little real intent to understand their probable political opponents as most Prop 8 supporters did. Common Ground? Really? I was disappointed.

I was left feeling a clear desire not to become what I was witnessing, not to partake in the culture promulgated by those whom I was inclined to defend. Mind you, I had to check my gut reactions and recognize my knee-jerk distaste for what it was, but there was something intangible, inexplicable which spoke to me that this was, in fact, the core of the "gay" world, once you get past the pretty veneer of sexy young guys having sexy young relationships. For some reason, seeing two middle-aged men together, neither one acting much like a "man" in the traditional sense, and it bothered me. Shoot, I'm not as tolerant as I thought, maybe.

I thought, "Well if anything in my recent experience has instilled a desire for heteronormative functioning, this is it. I don't want to be middle-aged and weak- and fragile-seeming. I don't want to sound bitter and harping on religion and the vast majority of society. I don't want to be 35 and look utterly used and spent, probably the result of a really destructive pattern of habits and pastimes." I didn't want to be gay, and I didn't want to be counted as gay. I came to support a positive effort, and I went away feeling bland about the effort. I was a traitor.

And so it became clearer to me, as I felt distanced from the "gay" world, how some gay people desire and attempt to defy nature and what amounts to "common" sense to try making a normal, traditional male-female partnership work, apparently against the odds. I most often bristle at eager attempts at conformity, but in this dark, shrill room, I felt a clear desire for a more "normal" life. The idea of facing social and religious challenges and battling prejudice my entire life, possibly for no good reason other than my own stubborn refusal to accept the sanctity and eternal nature of gender and male-female marriage...well, when that lifelong battle was so clearly before me, I paused. I paused considerably.

I recognize that I still cling to some social norms and traditional roles. Much of me still thinks men should be sensitive and affectionate yet still strong and independent. Much of me still wonders how much of gender identity disorder or transgenderism is really psychological confusion that could be "corrected". And I fully recognize that I would then have to wonder more seriously whether counseling could also, in turn, "help" me with my homosexual/homoromantic desires. They're not the same thing, to be sure, but if I'm going to challenge the gay establishment in regards to transgenderism, I have to be fair and allow my own "condition" to be challenged. In a roundabout way, my pangs of what would be called intolerance by some made me back up and try to understand where those who are "ignorant" or "intolerant" about homosexuality in general are coming from. It reminded me that not all who believe in some kind of "change" are haters or simply not trying to understand, and it reminded me that just as I've gone through processes, I have to allow others at least as much time and learning to "come around", and maybe it's OK if they never completely do "come around" in certain ways because hey, diversity is the spice of life, right?

No Serious Person...

As much as religious people most often show a fundamental lack of understanding of where their gay counterparts are coming from, people often show a fundamental lack of understanding of religious people's views regarding their own sacred institutions and the role of sexuality, as evidenced on page 3 (online) of a recent Newsweek article:

"If we are all God's children, made in his likeness and image, then to deny access to any sacrament based on sexuality is exactly the same thing as denying it based on skin color—and no serious (or even semiserious) person would argue that."

Really? You sure about that?

I could write so much more on this. Another time. I don't have the energy or desire right now.

Difficult Confession

I've had an inexplicable desire to snuggle and spend time with a saucy, altruistic, hottie brunette...of the female variety. None in specific. Just the idea of one. I know. Weird. For a couple of days now, pretty steadily. I've seen a couple of lovely daughters of God and thought, "OK, not bad. I could explore that possibility for the sake of actually procreating and living without all the baggage and stigma and complication of a gay relationship. Maybe there really is something to this whole marrying the opposite sex thing."

I think I'm not supposed to admit this sort of thing because it misleads the masses. "Wait...but he said he's gay! Liar!" And it threatens the whole "gay guys can't honestly be interested in women 'cause that would ruin our whole insistence that sexuality is totally fixed and absolute" camp. And they're a highly sensitive bunch you don't want to offend if you can help it. Wounded beasts lash out. Not pretty. Lots of growling.

Maybe I've been a switch hitter all along but have just "dabbled" in the gay club. Maybe I've actually been just as interested in girls all along. *stifling a scoff*

Maybe I'm beginning the gay-dreaded transition into heterohood at an alarming rate. By the end of the week, I'll be wearing flannel and spitting tobacco and pinching random women's butts. 'Cause that's what straight dudes do. Dang. I'm going to miss my scarves. But I guess I won't miss them if the woman-loving Hyde takes over.

Maybe the straightness has been in me all along and is now emerging because I've healed my sense of masculinity to the point that the natural processes are taking place. Dave and Rich will be so proud of me.

Or maybe I'm still rather non-hetero but am tired of resisting the urge to ask cute guys out because it will only end messily unless I go all out and open up to the possibility of a "real" relationship with a guy, which I haven't done. So I'm sick of not having that kind of companionship, so hey, those curves aren't really all that bad, if you look at them and slap a Matthew Goode face on 'em...eh no, nevermind, I'm not into gender-bending; take that mask back off. Yeah, OK, those delicately beautiful lines aren't so bad. I could work with that. Especially if she's the aggressive type and will throw me down. That's hot.

And the silky hair, the sweet smell, the soft skin...have I mentioned boobs aren't so bad, really? Could be fun. And the tenderness, the sensitivity, and the thoughtfulness of most women I've known outshine most men I've known. And I could probably take her home to family without tension. And she can probably make babies and feed them naturally and bond with and mother the little ones she birthed. We could still adopt, not out of necessity but out of desire.

Heck yeah, send in the applications, ladies. Just being interested and somewhat open to the possibility of non-perverse love is a rarity for me, so act now. But, um...act fast 'cause this is most definitely a limited-time offer. My less-gay-than-yesterday phases don't usually last very long.

Garriage

Hm, maybe the gay rights movement should just let the straighties keep their "marriage" and fight to adopt "garriage" into the Constitution instead. That could be fun. And church manuals and past talks say nothing of sexual relations being OK between garried people, so no sweat on the Church's part to have to clarify what kind of marriage is chaste, right? Adoption agencies can still choose to adopt out only to married couples if they want. And churches can marry or garry to their hearts' content. I think this has potential...