So, I'm not really sure what to do with this. A few friends have told me I MUST blog. It's "therapeutic," they say, or they insist I probably have something to say. I've been intrigued by the idea of blogging, but I'm not sure yet how to go about it.
On one hand, I've written a lot about the topic this blog would focus on, namely mohodom and its quirky, twisted little universe, and I'd like to make my voice known. But on the other hand, I'm just not convinced it's needed, with everything else going on out there now, and I just don't feel a compelling need to publicize my thoughts. I'm not sure how it would benefit the world, and as for myself, I think writing them out on my computer is therapeutic enough.
And yet, I can't help but think back to when I was first looking for resources on homosexuality and how helpful it would have been to find "normal"-seeming guys who were openly addressing what it's like to be actively LDS and live with homosexual attraction at the same time. (Note: the lack of robotic use of approved labels, like "same-gender attracted", is quite deliberate but not antagonistic.)
So here I am, with a few ideas to share, thinking there must be someone out there who could benefit in some way from them, and maybe I'll benefit in some unforeseen way, too. I don't figure I have anything revolutionary or mind-blowing to say, but I think of a great Sondheim song, "Move On", (no, I'm not a huge musicals buff -- weird, I know -- but I do appreciate some good Sondheim) in which George says he doesn't know what to write because there's nothing he can think of to say that hasn't already been said, and Dot promptly retorts, "Said by you, though, George?"
So with that, I feel a drive to write. But I've been hesitating for weeks because I'm not sure how to approach it. How personal do I get? If I get really personal, do I need it to be anonymous? Or is getting really personal just too cheap? Is it trashy to publicize my deepest thoughts to the world, or are people's deepest thoughts more needed in a public arena? I lean toward the former, that I should avoid getting too personal here but do it in more closed, intimate settings. But I wonder...
And what of anonymity? I have not spoken with my family about this. I have not spoken with many of my friends about it. I'm not terrified of people finding out, and yet I'd like to have control over how and when they do find out. And even my writing style might be recognized by someone who knows me well enough. The slightest use of punctuation, language, expressions, all would clue someone in who knows me well enough. Any quotes or references to movies or musicals I like will give pieces to the puzzle.
But maybe that's OK. Maybe it's time to decompartmentalize more and more with each day. To drop the guises. To drop the reservations about being found out. To just be free to be me. But that's idealistic. How often does ANYONE feel free to just "be"? No, there are jobs to be held, families to feed, causes to aide, and families to protect, and unfortunately, few people are ready to accept the humanity of those around them. So for now, maybe I'll just write with a bit of reservation. Not reveal too much. Not put too much out there to leave a trail. But not worry about it, per se, because someone might piece together the puzzle.
I must admit I like being a little mysterious. I do like the thought of people reading my journal after I'm gone, finding photo journals and writings, and friends coming together with each of their pieces to the puzzle and saying, "Wow, he was more human, intriguing, and multi-faceted than I ever imagined." Because in reality, aren't we all?
Boy, that's deep. I astound myself. Well, enough self-astounding for one day; writing this blog isn't, I hope, about satisfying some self-aggrandizing lust for attention. I'll just post this, let it sit a while, go to the corner, and think about what I've done.