30 April 2007

Now I Get It! ...Oh, but wait...

I’ve talked with a few people about the topic of how you choose a spouse, primarily in a "normal" context, not a moho one, and a common tidbit of input I’ve heard is that at some point, you simply choose. Some people may have flashing lights and sirens when “the one” appears, but for most people, the decision to get married is more one of choosing someone, even when the butterflies may have worn off, or may have never been.

Someone told me you choose a girl whom you love, who loves you, one who would make an excellent wife and mother, someone you can look up to and who looks up to you, someone who brings out the very best in you and you her. There may be many girls out there who fit this description, but at some point, you just choose one, and you hold firm to that commitment. It may seem unromantic in a way, but in another way, it’s ultimately romantic: you CHOSE her. Of all the ones you could have chosen, you wanted her, you actively chose her because you loved her that much. And she chose you in return.

This all made sense to me intellectually. But I could, for some reason, just never really apply it. I couldn’t see myself choosing any of the girls I had been “interested in”. For some reason, it didn’t click. “Maybe I haven’t met the right one,” I thought. Maybe.

But something recently “clicked” regarding this question. I met someone some time ago to whom I was actually attracted on all levels: emotional, physical, spiritual… For the first time I can remember, I was attracted to someone in an excitingly full, romantic way. But wouldn't you know it...it happened to be a boy. Go fig. And even though there may be guys out there who are better-looking, others who are funnier, others who are better conversationalists, others more spiritual, I liked HIM. Now, I didn't want to pursue a relationship just because having a "boyfriend" was not an option, but what I realized the other day was that I could now picture myself choosing someone to be with long-term, even with someone who isn't perfect. THAT finally made sense.

Now, I'll acknowledge that there's a statistical probability that it just took meeting the right person for it to click, and it might as well have been a girl. But please, let's just be honest... Yeah. So anyway, the point is not that I want to find a nice guy to settle down with; it's that a basic principle of relationships which had sort of made sense intellectually but never really seemed real to me finally became real when applied to another member of my gender. It was an interesting realization which was both disconcerting and motivating.

Disconcerting on one hand: it was just another confirmation of my thoroughly homo nature and reminded me what I may or may not ever have and still long for. I had heard friends talk about how they never knew what romance, or relationships, could be like until they found themselves in another guy's arms, or that they didn't know a relationship could feel so free, so intimate, and so exhilarating until they were with another guy. And now I had discovered, firsthand, what that realization was like.

Motivating on the other hand: I finally had something to relate to and grasp onto which I may someday learn to apply to a relationship with a great girl, should I find one who “does it for me.” Even if I don’t feel it the same way, I can understand and apply it to whatever extent possible.

That was my aha moment for this last month.


Sophia said...

I hope one day, with male or female, you get to experience it to the full.

Kengo Biddles said...

At least in my marriage to Miki, we're falling in love all over again once a month at times. Don't discount that you'll find a girl to be with, if that's what you want.