Went to an Evergreen fireside tonight. I enjoy them well enough, but I can't tell you how seared onto my eardrums the word "change" is now. While it's great to have goals and to be open to change and actively seek certain changes at certain times, it's just a turn-off for me to hear "change" SO much. And seriously, Evergreen meetings shouldn't turn you off...
Part of me wants to maintain business as usual, with friends both original recipe and moho style and occasional attractions to be flirty with but not pursue anything. I'm honestly pretty content right now.
But part of me also wants to find a wife someday to be a companion and with whom to raise children, though I must admit it's quite possibly more appealing in theory than when I think about actually doing it. But still, it's not hard to picture myself doing the family thing. And yet when I hear someone pushing "change" and "journeying into manhood", while I do see value in those things, part of me wants to shrug and walk out the door and tell them to keep their change.
On the other hand, I'm not one to say, "I'm not broken! I don't need to be fixed!" I'm probably cracked and bruised here and there. I can acknowledge I may have hit some bump in development that caused this. OK. And to "change" might actually be to simply "revert" back to how I should have been all along, had development gone as it was supposed to. I get that.
And I appreciated what the speaker said about how most people really need to not skip right to exorcising the gay out but to first remove roadblocks such as perfectionism, depression, OCD, addiction, or whatever before the natural process of emotional development can play out like it should, and the "change" desired by so many can then come somewhat naturally. That makes sense to me.
Yet I couldn't help but hear an undertone, "I changed, lots of men change, so if you haven't changed, you just need to try harder, and one day, you could be a normal human being, too." Even if that IS true, is there another way to approach it? Maybe not? Regardless, it was an interesting talk.
One thing I can say for Evergreen is that there are few times I feel straighter. Not sure what it is. And tonight I felt as straight as I've felt for a long time when I saw the brunette hottie towards the front of the chapel. And this hottie happens to be
I know, I know, revoke my certification if you will, but I actually thought, "I could date her. I could actually ask her out and maybe enjoy doing so. I hope she's just a supportive friend." This, of course, was more motivational towards change than actually listening to the talk. (No offense to the speaker; it's just that he's not a gorgeous brunette.) But after a brief introduction, she was whisked away by her friends. It was not meant to be.
Well...that one kid with the brown suit and blue shirt was kinda cute...
...back to being a homo.