09 December 2007

Why Not To Come Out

See the companion post: Why to Come Out

Reasons I can think of, past and present, valid or less-so, for why I have chosen not to "come out" to people (feel free to add your reasons--I'm interested in people's motivations here):

1) It's not everybody's business. It's a part of me that people can find out, or I can tell them, when it's pertinent, but it's just one part of who I am, and it's not necessary in most relationships. Why go there until it seems to be blocking the relationship or becomes obviously significant?

2) Sometimes, I'm just tired of answering inquisitive questions, explaining myself, helping people understand what it's like, easing their worries, dealing with their prejudices...

3) I don't want to be labeled as "gay" and have that become the primary aspect people see in me.

4) If I were to meet a girl with whom I wanted to explore a relationship, I wouldn't want people saying, "Wait, you like boys! What are you doing?!"

5) Maybe I can do the most good to increase understanding and tolerance without people disregarding me just because I'm "one of them" and therefore already tainted and biased.

6) I haven't wanted to make it seem like this is the one and only reason for not pursuing relationships with some girls.

7) Sometimes, if people were to put too many pieces together, it could be embarrassing when they make certain connections.

8) In some cases, outing myself would also out, in turn, friends who are not ready to make their own situation known.

9) Some friends' families have implored them not to make it known in general. They don't want the family name brought into it, or they don't want their children's lives to be made harder by people's judgement and intolerance.

10) When I was really unsure of which way I was to take all of this, I needed to know I was making decisions of my own accord and not due to pressure from those close to me.

11) Telling certain family members who aren't great at keeping secrets would mean telling the whole family, so even though I felt I could probably talk with certain family members, I didn't, because I really wasn't ready for the others to know.

12) Sometimes, I haven't told people because I didn't want them to inaccurately ascribe some of my personality traits or decisions solely to this. "Oh, THAT'S why you like baking cookies so much!" "Oh, of course you WOULD like Sondheim musicals." *grin*

13) Sometimes, it's more comfortable to compartmentalize life.

14) How many of my friends have come to me and confessed they're "straight"? I just make deductions and assumptions. They can do the same. I'll not try to hide it, but I don't need to just come right out and say it.


Cadence said...

I'm sorry I just skimmed through your post but one of my reasons not to come out is I don't want my family to feel sorry for me and going along with that I don't want them to bear my burden with me...? yeah

Abelard Enigma said...

15) Because the very thought of coming out is so dang scary.

16) Because you have this (hopefully irrational) fear that your membership record would be notated to to indicate you are not allowed to work with the youth (note, a bishop can make such a notation, but once notated, it requires approval from the first presidency to remove the notation)

17) Because, even if your records weren't officially notated, you fear that you wouldn't even be considered for certain callings if people knew you were gay.

18) Because, once you ring the bell, you can't un-ring it.

Original Mohomie said...

Thanks for the input, guys. Cadence, what you said reminded me of one BIG reason pertaining to my parents: I didn't want "mommy" to come to my rescue or get more clingy or worry more than usual. Sometimes, the last thing a male homo needs is mommy getting more involved in his life. Ay caramba.

Amber said...

12) THAT's why you love Cirque D'Sole so much. That's why you love to sing. THAT's why you took a dance class. THAT's why all your best guy friends were so dang hot....