I've considered closing this blog for a very long time now. It just seems more dignified to say what I want, then get out and move on. Do I really need to publish my thoughts? Isn't writing them out for myself enough? But I've kept going. Now, it is everlastingly too late to depart in crescendo (well done, Soy), so to close it now would not be to "quit while I'm ahead" but to cut my losses and call it a night. So I consider it, then I get ideas I haven't seen expressed quite as I'm thinking them, or I figure maybe somebody might benefit in some way by knowing someone else thinks similarly to them or by seeing someone who isn't just flowing along with pop culture ideas about gay mormondom. So I decide to write again, and I see a spike from very few daily hits to 50-70. Maybe somebody is interested after all. Maybe it's not for naught. I may get 2-5 comments. I have 9 "followers". And among them, who knows how many actually read anything longer than a paragraph or really identify with what I write? And let's be honest, my style isn't exactly engaging, particularly lately. I don't have the energy for it, it seems, to make my thoughts marketable or entertaining. I've adopted this subconscious attitude that people who give a rip will just read it, and I don't care to spend a lot of effort convincing them to read. I think I successfully weeded out my readership. So my blog feels old and worn, like the 36-year-old guy who won't leave the young single adults ward.
Meanwhile, most other blogs I've visited garner much, much more attention and have dozens of followers. Granted, they're often blogs by virile, horny younger guys who have a knack for finding other virile, horny younger guys through blogging, but there are others out there of seemingly genuinely thought-sharing, rather than fluid-sharing, readership, so to just dismissively pass the difference in readership off as me being frigid would be to flatter myself: my blog is just...not as interesting or relevant as theirs or even as mine used to be.
No, this is not a sob story, and I'm not fishing for any feedback to the contrary. I've disabled comments on this post; I don't want to hear it. I know there are a few of you out there who enjoy (and more who at least used to enjoy) my blog. I know some of you relate. I didn't create this blog for attention, or to meet people or to gain "followers" or to reveal many great and important things to the eager masses. I created it because I didn't see many voices out there that seemed truly open about their experiences and still striving to be true to church standards and which didn't seem primarily bent on proclaiming the woes of gay mormondom to earn the sympathy and permissiveness of all who visit. So I've considered a more humorous approach focusing primarily on the humorous quirks of "moho" life to lighten the mood and break from the tedium of blogworld woe and anger. But I also didn't want to be a class clown or make life harder for some by making people think here's one guy who doesn't seem to think it's a big deal to be gay and active LDS. Of course it's a big deal (even though not the only big deal anyone faces). Why else would we feel the need to resort to humor to deal with it?
But I just don't know that I'm interested enough in the whole thing to spend the energy being that voice. Others have stepped in and are doing nicely, and I was happy to see it. As they grow in understanding or shift in focus, others will come onto the stage in turn. It's the way it goes.
Having become mostly bored with objective, academic debates, I turned more to my inner world and understanding my own emotions, which is much harder to project or to defend or to care about defending. I've been journaling a lot that I haven't published. It's too long or too personal. It might betray trust or put readers to sleep.
I have thoughts all the time in relation to gay mormondom. I often write them down. I record audio when I'm driving. I keep thinking I'll post that audio since it seems quicker than typing it out, but then I realize I would have to edit parts, and it all becomes a hassle, and I realize it's probably not worth it to publish something a few people will read or listen to, and by which fewer still will actually be impacted.
I have plenty more to say about things, I think. And I don't want to be one of those bloggers who threatens to close their blog then decides to keep going. So instead, I usually just leave a lull for a while, then I'll reappear for a few days with an onslaught of catching up, then gone again, leaving it all up in case someone searching Google for perspectives happens to find my blog and benefits from it in some way. So this time, instead of just going through this thought process in my head, I'm writing it out. ...how boring is that? But hey, maybe someone can identify.
...and yet, so what if you do? Man, what a waste of time. I should be asleep. In fact, that's a great idea. *clicking Publish and tucking in to bed*