Reinterpretation Gone Wild

What if my patriarchal blessing informs me that, in the Lord's "own due time", I will enter the temple holding the hand of a beautiful princess of Israel and there be sealed into a family of my own?

How am I to interpret it? I mean, if my patriarchal blessing was given by revelation and inspiration, that pretty much seals my fate as ending up in one of those mixed-orientation marriages, doesn't it? You know, "M.O.M.", that thing closeted gay mormons do when they are so self-deceived and selfish as to rope some poor sucker into marriage just so they can adhere to what they believe are truths and covenants which bring joy and blessings far outweighing the promise or happiness any other relationship in this life will offer them. Chumps. No, a MOM obviously isn't in the cards for me because I could never be so cruel, duped, or dishonest as to pursue something that doesn't come naturally. So what else?

Becoming straight isn't an option. Everyone knows that's impossible, and it's blasphemy against sacred gay creeds and doctrine and destructive to gay rights to even acknowledge the possibility. So that can't be it.

Maybe my patriarchal blessing is just the best guess of a perceptive old man or, even worse, just another nasty, cruel joke typical of that hope-destroying, genocidal institution called religion.

These interpretations just weren't sitting well, so I awaited the day when I'd know what it all meant. Over time, I ran across some broader, more open-ended, open-minded views of the gospel, and it dawned on me that I could adopt more open-ended interpretations of my blessing, since the previously mentioned interpretations were so obviously not on the table.

Perhaps my marriage is to take place after this life, and all that hooey about not being a homo after resurrection is true and that's when it will happen, after meeting my eternal companion in the spirit world, where she was waiting for a nice ex-homo to die and be released from his same-sexfulness. No, I don't like that one. I don't want to be "cured". I don't need to be "cured". I'm lovable and capable of finding happiness just as I am, which means I'm absolutely perfect. I have no frailties, just uniqueties. I lack no understanding; it's the oppressors and bigots who are clueless. So that interpretation's out the window, too. Anything else?

Oh! Maybe same-sex couples will be allowed to be sealed in my lifetime, but the patriarch speaks from his own limited, culturally-biased understanding, so though his revelation showed a beautiful same-sex couple entering the temple, he naturally interpreted my partner to be a woman. The gay walk can be deceiving sometimes, and maybe my man will be longer-haired. I could understand the confusion. It's not his fault for getting it wrong.

Or wait! He said my being "sealed into a family of my own" will happen in the Lord's timeline, not the church's, mine, or anyone else's! Surely this means the Lord is waiting for the church to allow same-sex temple sealings, but they obviously are not going to happen in my lifetime. So instead, after my future life partner and I have passed to the next life and left our bodies behind, my partner and I are going to the temple with our proxies, and I am going in swinging spiritual hands with my favorite new mohoney-in-the-flesh, my proxy. After all, it doesn't say I will be sealed to the beautiful woman, just that I'll enter the temple with her and be sealed into my own family. It makes perfect sense! Maybe a female proxy will be allowed because same-sex sealings will be allowed, and society will be more enlightened and therefore genderless. Or maybe same-sex sealings still won't be allowed, but some angels are gonna pull a fast one and trick temple workers into thinking I'm a woman so nobody's the wiser, and they think they're sealing a man and a woman. God moves in mysterious ways, my friends.

Gosh, I kind of hoped I'd be a groom, not a wife, but hey, I'll take what I can get. This changes everything...

Hm, my cheek seems to be full of tongue. How'd that happen?