28 May 2009

Reinterpretation Gone Wild

What if my patriarchal blessing informs me that, in the Lord's "own due time", I will enter the temple holding the hand of a beautiful princess of Israel and there be sealed into a family of my own?

How am I to interpret it? I mean, if my patriarchal blessing was given by revelation and inspiration, that pretty much seals my fate as ending up in one of those mixed-orientation marriages, doesn't it? You know, "M.O.M.", that thing closeted gay mormons do when they are so self-deceived and selfish as to rope some poor sucker into marriage just so they can adhere to what they believe are truths and covenants which bring joy and blessings far outweighing the promise or happiness any other relationship in this life will offer them. Chumps. No, a MOM obviously isn't in the cards for me because I could never be so cruel, duped, or dishonest as to pursue something that doesn't come naturally. So what else?

Becoming straight isn't an option. Everyone knows that's impossible, and it's blasphemy against sacred gay creeds and doctrine and destructive to gay rights to even acknowledge the possibility. So that can't be it.

Maybe my patriarchal blessing is just the best guess of a perceptive old man or, even worse, just another nasty, cruel joke typical of that hope-destroying, genocidal institution called religion.

These interpretations just weren't sitting well, so I awaited the day when I'd know what it all meant. Over time, I ran across some broader, more open-ended, open-minded views of the gospel, and it dawned on me that I could adopt more open-ended interpretations of my blessing, since the previously mentioned interpretations were so obviously not on the table.

Perhaps my marriage is to take place after this life, and all that hooey about not being a homo after resurrection is true and that's when it will happen, after meeting my eternal companion in the spirit world, where she was waiting for a nice ex-homo to die and be released from his same-sexfulness. No, I don't like that one. I don't want to be "cured". I don't need to be "cured". I'm lovable and capable of finding happiness just as I am, which means I'm absolutely perfect. I have no frailties, just uniqueties. I lack no understanding; it's the oppressors and bigots who are clueless. So that interpretation's out the window, too. Anything else?

Oh! Maybe same-sex couples will be allowed to be sealed in my lifetime, but the patriarch speaks from his own limited, culturally-biased understanding, so though his revelation showed a beautiful same-sex couple entering the temple, he naturally interpreted my partner to be a woman. The gay walk can be deceiving sometimes, and maybe my man will be longer-haired. I could understand the confusion. It's not his fault for getting it wrong.

Or wait! He said my being "sealed into a family of my own" will happen in the Lord's timeline, not the church's, mine, or anyone else's! Surely this means the Lord is waiting for the church to allow same-sex temple sealings, but they obviously are not going to happen in my lifetime. So instead, after my future life partner and I have passed to the next life and left our bodies behind, my partner and I are going to the temple with our proxies, and I am going in swinging spiritual hands with my favorite new mohoney-in-the-flesh, my proxy. After all, it doesn't say I will be sealed to the beautiful woman, just that I'll enter the temple with her and be sealed into my own family. It makes perfect sense! Maybe a female proxy will be allowed because same-sex sealings will be allowed, and society will be more enlightened and therefore genderless. Or maybe same-sex sealings still won't be allowed, but some angels are gonna pull a fast one and trick temple workers into thinking I'm a woman so nobody's the wiser, and they think they're sealing a man and a woman. God moves in mysterious ways, my friends.

Gosh, I kind of hoped I'd be a groom, not a wife, but hey, I'll take what I can get. This changes everything...

Hm, my cheek seems to be full of tongue. How'd that happen?

27 May 2009

No Gay Armageddon

So I went to yesterday's rally in Salt Lake. It was looking pretty sparse around 6:20 pm, when I arrived, but by the time it actually began, around 6:35 or so, there was a decent-sized crowd, only a small handful of whom I knew or recognized. I may be fairly familiar with gay mormon circles, but I've barely scratched the surface of the Utah gay community as a whole. So many homos here...

I saw some angry-looking, outraged faces, but I saw more smiling, hopeful faces. The overall tone was low-key and persistent but not militant. I enjoyed the signs of all sorts, some clever, some eye-rolling. People of many ages, ethnicities, and orientations joined in, many of them family and friends ("straight allies"). The rally began with the national anthem. The speeches consisted of personal stories, religious perspective, and pleas for tolerance and legal rights. Most were even-tempered and low-key, somewhat passionate but respectful in tone. A speaker or two sounded on the verge of emotionally losing control, but they reined it in.

I did have one main beef: I am always particularly bothered by whiny-toned speakers who proclaim that society is denying them the love they desire and refusing to allow them to be in committed relationships. I call bullcrap. That's a cheap emotional appeal, and I wish people would stop trying to use it. You can love whomever you damned well please, and you can have a committed relationship with or without a piece of paper or financial rights or religious recognition. Fortunately, most speakers steered clear of such specious rhetoric and a couple of them even declared that the gay community needed to not just be victims but to live what they believed and fight for their rights. One guy even clarified his use of "fight" to mean "educate", which I appreciated. The rally even included some unintended comedy, such as the sheepish bride getting pictures taken up on the capitol steps or the sprinklers turning on onto the crowd, with someone shouting as they huddled tighter to avoid the spray, "You can't stop us that easily, Chris Buttars!"

Only the last speaker was at all loud or a bit militant. Boy did he rile the audience up for the march down State street. He asked if there were any returned missionaries in the audience. Of course, many hands went up, along with a loud cheer. He called the audience on a new mission to change the world, to gain civil rights for all people...and the audience responded with uproarious applause. It was at once a touch offensive, somewhat stirring, and mildly absurd. But that's often how rallies go, in my experience, no matter what they're for.

I'm glad I went. Even though I don't fully align with the "activist agenda", and especially not with many of the tactics or arguments, I do support full equality for civil rights, and I am intrigued and fascinated by this political struggle and interested to see how it pans out in the long run. What will it look like 15 years from now when we look back? Overall, it was good to be there and not just hear about it in the news...wait...did it even make the news? Or was that obnoxious KSL helicopter circling around for some other reason?

For those who are interested or who want a small taste of what it was like to be there, I took (lots of) pictures of the rally, and I even recorded the first part of it on audio.

P.S. -- D-Train, somehow I came away from the rally still single. Go fig. ;-)

26 May 2009

Down With "Equality!"

The California Supreme has ruled 6-to-1 that Prop 8 is legal and binding and that existing same-sex marriages are valid. It's as expected, according to most analysts I've heard. So now the conspiracy theories fly, the masses are once again outraged, and crazed queers and allies everywhere are preparing for gay Armageddon. OK, maybe that's a slight exaggeration. But I am interested to see what the rally at the Utah state capitol is like. I'd like to go to see what's in people's eyes, hear the tidbits of conversation here and there, see the faces of protest, and witness the sexual debauchery of a depraved mass of sexual deviants. I hear they're into public displays of their perverse practices, so I'm looking forward to that.

With all the clamor and the battle cries for marriage rights, I think gay activists are, in a way, shooting themselves in the foot. I believe they're fostering or perpetuating a distrust and an "us or them" environment that has stifled and will continue to impede progress in other less hazy areas of equality such as employment, housing, and domestic partnership rights, at least here in Utah. Even if the anger and outrage does win out, I expect the cultural wounds and divides will continue for years to come. So much for harmony and tolerance. "This is war and we've had enough!" OK, so be it. Keep those blinders on and demonize those who oppose you rather than building understanding, just like MLK, Jr. and other peaceful political revolutionaries. Puh-leez.

Do some of you not see that in the minds of most people the marriage issue is not just about "equality" or about hating gay people? Do you honestly not get that it's entirely possible for someone to support and fight for equality in all civil rights but to believe marriage is inherently a male-female partnership already equally available to all citizens? I think until that kind of gay activist starts showing some understanding of that, they're going to be disregarded by their opposition and will reflect a certain blindness, ignorance, or stubbornness. But nobody's allowed to call anyone in the "gay community" such names for fear of political backlash. Wait, screw political backlash. You're blind, ignorant, and stubborn. If you want to show you really understand the issues, pull your heads out, pansies! You can only tell how stanky and limited your perspective has gotten and clean it up after you've pulled your head out and really looked around. If you do it before your equally head-in-butt opponents do, you'll look that much better, too. Sure, your opponents may not be able to see you facing them, standing upright with your newly buttless heads, but onlookers who had been bemused by the scene of two sides of people with butt-swallowed heads will see it and take note of who's really looking at all sides. I'd give the same advice to my friends who oppose same-sex marriage, and to Republicans and Democrats and Mormons and Baptists and atheists and husbands and wives and roommates and...

Hopefully, I'll see something better tonight than a bunch of raging, angry militants with childishly nasty signs and earplugs declaring society's hatred and intolerance. That ain't my scene. What I'd like to see is a unity of strong, self-assured people demonstrating strength of conscience and will through their calm, reasonable insistence that change must come, articulating why and expressing hope, cooperation, understanding, and diligence in achieving that end. That makes more sense to me. We'll see...

22 May 2009

Good Weather for Airstrikes

I ran across this video on another blog (the chap seems to have some good taste) *wink*, and I wanted to re-share it. It's a music video for a Sigur Rós song, Viðrar vel til loftárása (lyrics and translation here). Their music, and especially their videos, are richly evocative. I'd say they're simultaneously heavily ethereal and beautifully raw, but I feel like I'm out of my league trying to describe them. Anyway, their videos have a way of sort of taking my breath away. I was originally introduced to Sigur Rós by a good friend, and I'd seen some of their videos on YouTube, but this one was new to me.

Being the way I am, I'm tempted to temper its emotionality with analytical balance. But I'll leave it to speak for itself other than to say what was more powerful to me than the story portrayed is the theme of destroying innocent tenderness and purity with fear and prejudice (the opening scene had me fully in tears--guess it struck a cord).

Note: I meant to post the version with English subtitles, so after-the-fact, here it is:

I Got Audio-Curious

Behold O-Mo's Virgin Audio Venture...in which O-Mo introduces his voice to the world. Yes, readers, gasp in delighted shock. Hopefully, this works for most of you. See the little blue box? And the "Play" button? Click it. Did it work?

21 May 2009

Homogenized Homos

Somebody brought up, the other day, the fact that gay guys tend to act "different" and that some people seem to "learn" to act gayer. The person who brought it up puzzled about why. Not wanting to go into theories about socially learned behavior, gender issues, and the development of early gay culture, I simplified the gayification process of dudes after they come out: "So other gay guys know you're gay." He said, "Oh, that makes sense." So I am now sharing this profound "duh" moment with the world.

That said, flapping wrists and squeaky voices are a major turn off for me. I prefer people who are..."natural", not affected. Sorry to those of you who are naturally flamboyant. There are others who like that stuff. And of course, my preference against it would make it tougher to scope out random prospects if I ever started looking, but I'd prefer to meet people through friends anyway, not from across the bar. Besides, there's always tell-tale eye contact to offer some clues, and that's more about personal connection than gay-face is.

Incidentally, I actually caught myself doing this at the gym not long after discussing it. I saw a semi-cute guy I thought might be "family", and I immediately started acting a bit "gayer"--walking differently, moving my hands differently--to test his reaction...fortunately, I realized this and snapped out of it to avoid letting myself gain the habit subconsciously. I was both disgusted with and amused by myself. Those gays'll suck you in if you're not careful.

19 May 2009

Have You Ever Noticed...?

...that the guys who are most vocal about fulfillment being found exclusively in a homosexual relationship are often going about homosexual relationships in ways unlikely to be fulfilling in any meaningful way?

17 May 2009

Coming Out Story - Can't Say I Blame Her, But...

Following my comments is an exchange which took place over a few days with an old acquaintance (names changed) from a singles ward many years ago. While not especially distressing, I was a little saddened and disappointed by it. But it also spurred some self-examination.

I've had a couple of other friends respond similarly at first, informing me I know what is right and true and imploring me to just keep trying. Perhaps she believes her response to be reproving betimes with sharpness then showing forth an increase of love with the "hugs". Regardless of tone, I can't blame her for her views. Let's be honest: many or most of my friends and family who are active LDS probably think similarly (as I used to), even if they use different lines of reasoning, and are just more diplomatic, subtle, or reserved in expressing it. I think to most faithful mormons, not actively seeking to marry in the temple is knowingly giving up eternal life in exchange for temporal happiness or comfort. But that aspect of her response wasn't new, and I'm OK agreeing to disagree on some things, even though I really do agree with most of what she said, even about keeping "eternal perspective" (if the LDS doctrinal perspective is, indeed, truth).

Her final message elicited more of a reaction from me. I frowned for a moment, gave a single sad chuckle, shrugged in a moment of "that's too bad", then took a moment to see where she might be right about me being more worldly and self-centered than I used to be. I have to admit I might be. I also might instead be something else that appears worldly and self-centered because of differences in beliefs and paradigms. But she would probably (maybe rightly) insist that's just justification. I can't deny the possibility. While I must admit I expend much less energy rejecting "worldly" things than I used to, I'm pretty sure truth, not temporal goods, pleasure, or comfort, is the desire and effort of my heart and mind, so the "worldly" comment doesn't bother me. The "self-centered" comment is slightly more troublesome. Of course, she doesn't know me anymore, and this is the first communication we've had in many years. Her reasoning is based on very little. Yet while I don't put much stock in what people who barely know me judge, I do sometimes wonder whether they're saying what others think but don't say because they would have more to lose in being a bit more...blunt. Maybe the only reason it concerns me is because I suspect it myself.

Ah well. I've marked "self-centered" on my mental tally board of traits people see in me (as a "medium-priority" item because while I'm not convinced it's one of my larger traits, I believe self-centeredness to be loathsome and rampant). But with temporary, perhaps overly-perfunctory focus on whether I really am and in what ways, I'm moving on and chalking that one up with the "Somewhat Unpleasant" coming out stories. Fortunately, the "Remarkably Uneventful" group is much larger. Those of us in minority groups (whether religious, gender, ethnic, sexual orientation, political, vegetable preference, etc) can certainly identify with the fact that the experience of revealing those aspects about ourselves can fall on a wide spectrum between devastation and elation. This one was on the devastation side because it felt kind of demeaning and gross to have someone who had been so enthusiastic become so sour and seemingly dismissive. I suppose we all do that to each other sometimes, usually unintentionally. And we all take things the wrong way or overly personally sometimes, too. Fortunately, I think as we become more secure with and accepting of ourselves, such experiences have smaller, more temporary effect either on the devastation or elation side. It's nice to be getting to that point. I may just let her have the last word.

The conversation:

Okay - so I don't do this as a habit, but I gotta know. Are you single? As in not interested in anyone at the moment but open to possibilities single? Because (and I know you've heard this a million times to, at which I express my apologies ahead of time) I know someone you might find yourself enjoying her company. She is here on facebook, and I believe she is living somewhere in Utah at the moment, she is a friend of mine that I spent many a year at girls camp with. And really, I don't do this. Ever. But after looking at your profile and her profile (many time after having the thought occur to me) I thought that you two might get along famously and would probably be food friends.

Ha, you're the second person in a week to ask about setting me up with someone, and that hasn't happened in...well...years. Funny. :-) It's almost a relief to know that at least some people think I have some measure of desirability even though I'm almost 30!

Well, with everything up in the air right now and life being really quite unstable in almost every major way, I think now is not the time to try a blind date or whatnot. I've been just sticking to the old, established friends. BUT if there are cool people I should meet, I probably should try to be open to that. ...but it's hard right now. I mean, even if we hit it off famously, I don't know if I'll be here a month from now or if I'd have any interest in anything besides friendship. But maybe I'll take a rain check? :-)

Please take this in the nicest way possible. You are a wuss. :D I have no intentions of setting you up on a blind date. Those are awkward and old fashioned. Actually, I was just going to suggest her as a friend here on facebook. And suggest you as a friend to her. Where it goes from there, I have no control over. But - I didn't want to go suggesting a desirable young woman to you if you were involved with someone else. Now, I want to you read over everything you just wrote me and ask yourself "What is it that I'm really afraid of?" K? Excuses! Involve yourself with someone - it's good for the soul to stick it out there once in awhile. So - I am now going to send a message to her, and with her permission, will be suggesting a friend, so look for it.

Anyhow - I'm glad you are my friend and I look forward to your updates and tidbits of info that you pass along. It amuses and makes me ponder. It's great therapy for an old frumpy housewife.

Ha, you think you're so smart, ya punk.

I don't add people I don't already personally know unless they're spouses or siblings of friends and I figure we're going to meet soon, that sort of thing. I know it's a strict policy, but it exists for reasons. :-)

But do what you will, and if you can persuade me to make an exception (like if she and I happen to have mutual friends and may cross paths eventually anyway), so be it. I like knowing fun and interesting people, even if romance is unlikely, which I say because there's a reason I've never had a "real" relationship, and it ain't because of lack of options. I didn't feel for the girls I "dated" the way I thought I should or the way they seemed to feel for me, and I felt so bad for hurting them with my apparent indifference or my inexplicable lack of ability to return the feelings they expressed in the same way. I wondered if I was emotionally handicapped and wouldn't allow myself to love how I should. I loved, respected, and enjoyed them, but it eventually dawned on me (in my mid-twenties) that my romantic interest in them was mostly fleeting, and I had no sexual interest in them, and things started to click. Not long thereafter, I finally felt for someone in a way that suddenly made all the sappy love songs, romantic movies, and parental and church counsel about relationships make sense. A guy? I fell for a guy? Ah, crap. Really? Well what am I supposed to do with that? :-)

So my natural inclinations would have me in a relationship that isn't exactly church-supported, but I also don't want to betray truth to go after what seems like it would make me happy. What to do with being gay and LDS but somewhat agnostic LDS is one of those things that's "up in the air" for me right now. Even if I found Mr. or Mrs. Right, I'd have no business starting a relationship right now because I'm trying to sort out what I believe and what I want. So I want to avoid any pretense of me being a Peter Priesthood waiting for the right Molly to come along, y'know? :-)

Why am I going off on this? I suppose I could just shrug and not say anything and let you wonder why I'm such a wuss, but I thought it better to actually let you know part of why I'm such a wuss. :-) I also didn't want to dismiss your potential match-making by blurting, "Girls are boring, guys are hot," because I'm not totally closed to the idea of meeting a cool girl who "does it for me" and makes me want to try a relationship, especially since I'm not convinced a lifetime relationship with a guy is what I want either, particularly if all this Mormon doctrine stuff is true. :-) It's just that I don't have any particular interest in dating girls, and I'm wary of hurting any more of them unnecessarily. BUT I don't want "I'm gay" to be a copout, and it seems to me that you would be able to call me on it if I tried to use it as one 'cause you're sassy like that.

So that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Well I had my suspicions and you certainly gave me a lot to think about! I admire and respect your personal moral courage in dealing with such a trial in your life. And I thank you for sharing - you are right that I wouldn't let you off the hook so easy. You know what is right. You have a testiomony of the truthfulness of the gospel. Don't let Satan lead you astray with his whisperings of doubt. Be diligent! Hold to the rod! You know what is right and sometimes we need to go through the motions to stay ourselves when our faith is faltering. Are you attending your regular Sunday meetings? Are you saying your prayers daily? Are you studying the scriptures on a regular basis? Heavenly Father has given us these tools to help us through such trials in life. I'm sure you've heard this all before. I know you are a good guy, heck, you've made it this far! Don't give up now!

And now some insight from an old married woman. (Yes I can say that. I've been married 10 yrs in August, I think it gives me some credibility, finally....) I think all too often we are disenchanted in our youth with the ideals of what marriage should be. Yes it would be ideal to find a soul mate with whom we can enjoy the twittering of birds singing romantic songs as we walk along moon lit beaches, but in all reality, that is not what marriage is all about. Sure it helps to have the hots for one's mate, but in all reality, Heavenly Father's plan for marriage has a different agenda. We have been admonished through many a prophet to temper the emotions of our hearts. Lust is such an emotion. It does come in handy in the bedroom, but is not altogether necessary. As we get older, you will find that the maturity level of available women has increased dramatically, especially that of faithful sisters. And there is a chance that they understand this concept as well. The concept that marriage is not simply an arrangement between two people who can't get enough of each other, but truly a trial of our own character and our ability to put someone else's needs above our own. Friendship is the basis of this, and I believe that honest to goodness true love does not come until years later. Because love is an action, it is not a feeling. Love is kind, love is long suffering. (Need I go into verse after verse of this in Bible?) I guess what I am saying is that I know that you know what your sacred duty is, and now is the time to pull life up by the bootstraps, be completely honest with yourself and those around you and faithfully find a wife who will love and accept you for who you are. ALL of you. Yes, there is such a woman out there, but the Lord helps those who help themselves. How active have you been in seeking out the answer? Are you doing your all to help the Lord, as you have covenented to do?

You can go on and give me more excuses, but I think you know in your heart what is right and what is true. We all have trials in our lives, and I believe the strongest of us have been handed the biggest trials. Just think of your spiritual muscles waiting to be pumped up! (You stud!) Remain faithful as your blessings in the life after are already piling up and it would be a shame for them to go to waste.

And I must share some anecdotal evidence of my beliefs, of course.
I know a man who decided...that he just had too many issues and he didn't want to burden anyone with his problems. [...] So he was never going to get married. It just wasn't for him. Well, fast forward [many] years. He is now sitting in jail for embezzling [...]. I believe that if he had found a wife (through being completely honest with himself and doing as I suggest to you) that perhaps this heartache he has caused for everyone around him may have been eased or avoided all together. He has been excommunicated. [...] And yet he still maintains his pride by saying that he just can't believe the judge was so harsh as to make him serve jail time. [Certain details omitted to make it less specific.]

As a man who holds the priesthood you have already committed yourself to a course of action for your life. I suggest to hold to your promises, for the Lord has said it will be worse for those who knowingly sin than for those who sin in ignorance. Please, I beg of you, keep your eternal perspective in view.

I'm not saying you should just get married and have a lot of babies, but at least enter into a sacred commitment with a faithful woman to be your companion for life, to keep you on the straight and narrow. You are a strong man, and I know that you can do it.

Okay - I'm sushing now.

Thanks for the concern and encouragement. There's a lot more to my concerns with theology and doctrine than homosexuality, but those are mine to deal with the best I know how, so I won't try to justify or excuse myself or declare what faithful or academic efforts I've made or am making. I'll just say that I feel well and at peace.

I also appreciate your perspective on marriage, and I believe love is action as much as it is emotion. What else other than that active, selfless kind of love will propel people through downturns of passion and affection to a stronger bond of dedication and investment? Our society has glorified sex beyond anything justified by either reality or doctrine. It blinds and deceives many people into thinking love is something baser and cruder than it is, yet more "exciting"...and more fleeting.

Homosexuality, however, is not just about the sex or the lust or the butterflies in the tummy. It's a bit more complex to deal with, but there are many who marry women and live in happy marriages IF they take that step when they're ready and with solid support and self-awareness. I've seen many a disaster from men or women allowing themselves to be pressured into jumping in too quickly or recklessly. I've seen far too many hearts broken, families distressed or torn apart, and wives secretly crying themselves to sleep because men foolishly thought they were "cured" or "over it" and didn't go into the marriage for truly selfless reasons, sensitive to her needs, but to "fulfill God's plan" and "get a family". Many of those couples seem fine to most people, but the wife's [relative] gets tearful calls from her regularly, or only a few select friends know that the husband has made out with several of his guy friends while his wife tries to deal with that, or that the guy seems fine on the surface but feels deeply and increasingly unfulfilled in his marriage...it's tough stuff. But like I said, I know couples who seem to be doing great, and every marriage has its challenges, so I refuse to use imperfection as an excuse, as if the only successful marriage is a perfect one. It's just a bigger deal, I think, than most people are aware, because there are deep emotional needs on the gay person's part and psychological effects on the spouse which require an exceptionally strong, patient person to not only cope with but progress through.

If you believed God commanded it, you probably could have entered into a marriage relationship with another woman and decided not to pursue something with your husband because to do so would have been "wrong". But try to keep in mind how hard that might have been for you, to turn away from him because you were supposed to find a woman, to leave what you had for unknown territory, and then to date women with the purpose of finding a wife, believing that your heart wanted to be with a man, and while all of your counsel above would still be totally valid, it might offer a perspective of patience with those of us wrestling with the questions of how to proceed. :-)

Well O-Mo, I'm sure we could go the rounds on this. You saying I don't understand because I"m not in your shoes and me saying what I have already said. Sin is sin, our bodies will always need tempering and the need for self control has never been greater. I still hear echoes of justification that has lulled you into complacency and indifference, which makes my heart ache just a bit for you. Focus on your purpose, not your problems. I won't be sending along that friend request, because quite frankly, you are not the person I thought you were, or perhaps who I remember you to be. You have grown a bit more worldly and self centered than I remember.

I still look forward to your posts, as a broader prospective on life always is appreciated and helps in understanding those around me.

Hugs -


12 May 2009

Have You Ever Noticed...?

...that the gay guy who has just recently been confronting his homosexuality and proclaims from the rooftops that he has lost all interest in homosexual activity and feels like it's no longer an issue is often fooling around like a queer bunny within a couple of months from declaring his non-homoness?

04 May 2009

The Classic Queerosphere Threat

I've considered closing this blog for a very long time now. It just seems more dignified to say what I want, then get out and move on. Do I really need to publish my thoughts? Isn't writing them out for myself enough? But I've kept going. Now, it is everlastingly too late to depart in crescendo (well done, Soy), so to close it now would not be to "quit while I'm ahead" but to cut my losses and call it a night. So I consider it, then I get ideas I haven't seen expressed quite as I'm thinking them, or I figure maybe somebody might benefit in some way by knowing someone else thinks similarly to them or by seeing someone who isn't just flowing along with pop culture ideas about gay mormondom. So I decide to write again, and I see a spike from very few daily hits to 50-70. Maybe somebody is interested after all. Maybe it's not for naught. I may get 2-5 comments. I have 9 "followers". And among them, who knows how many actually read anything longer than a paragraph or really identify with what I write? And let's be honest, my style isn't exactly engaging, particularly lately. I don't have the energy for it, it seems, to make my thoughts marketable or entertaining. I've adopted this subconscious attitude that people who give a rip will just read it, and I don't care to spend a lot of effort convincing them to read. I think I successfully weeded out my readership. So my blog feels old and worn, like the 36-year-old guy who won't leave the young single adults ward.

Meanwhile, most other blogs I've visited garner much, much more attention and have dozens of followers. Granted, they're often blogs by virile, horny younger guys who have a knack for finding other virile, horny younger guys through blogging, but there are others out there of seemingly genuinely thought-sharing, rather than fluid-sharing, readership, so to just dismissively pass the difference in readership off as me being frigid would be to flatter myself: my blog is just...not as interesting or relevant as theirs or even as mine used to be.

No, this is not a sob story, and I'm not fishing for any feedback to the contrary. I've disabled comments on this post; I don't want to hear it. I know there are a few of you out there who enjoy (and more who at least used to enjoy) my blog. I know some of you relate. I didn't create this blog for attention, or to meet people or to gain "followers" or to reveal many great and important things to the eager masses. I created it because I didn't see many voices out there that seemed truly open about their experiences and still striving to be true to church standards and which didn't seem primarily bent on proclaiming the woes of gay mormondom to earn the sympathy and permissiveness of all who visit. So I've considered a more humorous approach focusing primarily on the humorous quirks of "moho" life to lighten the mood and break from the tedium of blogworld woe and anger. But I also didn't want to be a class clown or make life harder for some by making people think here's one guy who doesn't seem to think it's a big deal to be gay and active LDS. Of course it's a big deal (even though not the only big deal anyone faces). Why else would we feel the need to resort to humor to deal with it?

But I just don't know that I'm interested enough in the whole thing to spend the energy being that voice. Others have stepped in and are doing nicely, and I was happy to see it. As they grow in understanding or shift in focus, others will come onto the stage in turn. It's the way it goes.

Having become mostly bored with objective, academic debates, I turned more to my inner world and understanding my own emotions, which is much harder to project or to defend or to care about defending. I've been journaling a lot that I haven't published. It's too long or too personal. It might betray trust or put readers to sleep.

I have thoughts all the time in relation to gay mormondom. I often write them down. I record audio when I'm driving. I keep thinking I'll post that audio since it seems quicker than typing it out, but then I realize I would have to edit parts, and it all becomes a hassle, and I realize it's probably not worth it to publish something a few people will read or listen to, and by which fewer still will actually be impacted.

I have plenty more to say about things, I think. And I don't want to be one of those bloggers who threatens to close their blog then decides to keep going. So instead, I usually just leave a lull for a while, then I'll reappear for a few days with an onslaught of catching up, then gone again, leaving it all up in case someone searching Google for perspectives happens to find my blog and benefits from it in some way. So this time, instead of just going through this thought process in my head, I'm writing it out. ...how boring is that? But hey, maybe someone can identify.

...and yet, so what if you do? Man, what a waste of time. I should be asleep. In fact, that's a great idea. *clicking Publish and tucking in to bed*