16 November 2010
There is a possibly retreating part of me, readily tender, affectionate, and sensitive. Buried. Vulnerable. But very much present and alive when romantically involved with someone or 'in love'. I love that me, and it's that me that I probably mourn nearly as much as the relationship itself when a relationship ends, and he retreats again. I think that me should be accessible at other times, that I should be less of a curmudgeon more of the time, warm and cuddly with my nieces, for example, or truly vulnerable to a long-time friend. But there's something, some guard, that seems to only--or at least most fully--come down when romantically invested. I'm not sure I want it to come down with everyone. I'm not sure it should. Maybe it should more so with certain people. I just feel like there's something I have yet to figure out about this, like there's an elusive me yet to be more fully integrated, but I may not be willing or desirous to expose him, so I keep him locked away for my future spouse and children, where he will be free to express himself fully and justified in his affection, saved for special relationships to come. Maybe his retreat only bothers me when I wonder if I will be single my whole life and therefore keep him locked away to wither in neglect. He's sweet, and he's loving, but he might also be delicate, and I can't allow that fragility to disrupt my life and make my relationships messier. Or maybe I'm just imagining it all...