16 November 2010

Elusive me

There is a possibly retreating part of me, readily tender, affectionate, and sensitive. Buried. Vulnerable. But very much present and alive when romantically involved with someone or 'in love'. I love that me, and it's that me that I probably mourn nearly as much as the relationship itself when a relationship ends, and he retreats again. I think that me should be accessible at other times, that I should be less of a curmudgeon more of the time, warm and cuddly with my nieces, for example, or truly vulnerable to a long-time friend. But there's something, some guard, that seems to only--or at least most fully--come down when romantically invested. I'm not sure I want it to come down with everyone. I'm not sure it should. Maybe it should more so with certain people. I just feel like there's something I have yet to figure out about this, like there's an elusive me yet to be more fully integrated, but I may not be willing or desirous to expose him, so I keep him locked away for my future spouse and children, where he will be free to express himself fully and justified in his affection, saved for special relationships to come. Maybe his retreat only bothers me when I wonder if I will be single my whole life and therefore keep him locked away to wither in neglect. He's sweet, and he's loving, but he might also be delicate, and I can't allow that fragility to disrupt my life and make my relationships messier. Or maybe I'm just imagining it all...

3 comments:

mandi said...

In our brief interlude, I sensed a very warm and possibly affectionate (dare I say it?) O-Mo who has taken up residence behind a very large, very formidable wall. I'm one of those gushy types who lets too much out. Maybe we both could take a lesson.

Scott N said...

I tend to keep people at a distance too. I think it's a carryover from the time when I had to do so, in order not to develop "inappropriate" feelings for someone.

Since coming out (and especially since I became open to dating, etc.) I've tried to bring the wall down, but I haven't been very successful in general.

The one exception is David (the guy I dated for a month, fell in love with, and got "I can't do this, let's just be friends" from)...

I didn't even try to let down my guard--it just happened, and before I even knew what was happening he had my heart.

I still wonder if the wall is lessening my chances of finding that same sort of relationship with someone else. And I'll keep trying to take it down--if only for the sake of more meaningful friendships with the people I care about. But the last month has shown me that the right "chemistry" can dissolve that barrier without any effort on my part.

Lee said...

I know that you. He's real, and he's wonderful. I hope you can find a way to let him out.