Spoiler alert: In this week's episode, Kevin and Scotty, who are the token gay couple in the family and the most stable relationship so far (despite challenges), are dealing with the aftermath of Scotty informing Kevin of his infidelity one night in the past. This news rocks the family because they have, as Nora (the Walker family matriarch) put it, one of the best marriages she's ever seen. In the final segment of the show, Saul, the uncle who didn't even "come out" to himself until he was in his sixties and has been especially hostile towards Scotty, whom the family adores, is talking with Scotty to apologize for his coldness and to explain his emotional reaction.
I guess I have some pain and questions left to resolve, myself, because this conversation got the waterworks going, dammit. Stupid soap opera show got me going... *grumbly smirk*
Saul: "...to me, even with all of this...stuff, you two are about as close to perfect as anything I've ever seen. And I guess, because I was raised at a time when a real relationship between two men, much less marriage, seemed impossible, you and Kevin were living my dream. And when I found out what happened, I just...suddenly everything seemed less possible."
Scotty: "Saul, everything is still possible. Don't let what I did make you give up hope."
Saul: "I won't if you won't."
A little of my reaction may have had to do with my not-so-recent-anymore break-up and thinking of how many people voiced their "approval" of "us" and how good we seemed together, and wishing I knew what it was like to commit to someone like that and have them commit to me. And that's related to the fact that some of my emotions around the break-up had to do with exactly the kind of thing the character Saul vocalized here. Mind you, I don't doubt two men can have a "real" relationship and marriage. And I'm not quite ready to "give up hope". But the jury's still out on whether my past, beliefs, principles, religious history echoing in me, social/cultural/family pressures and dynamics, desire to have children who are little products of 'us', questions of whether I'll find someone who is what I'm looking for who also is looking for someone like me for more than friendship or a test drive...whether all of these things, combined, leave me hope for a "real" lifetime relationship and family of the kind I always dreamed of.
There are a lot of thoughts and factors going into this which I'll probably delve into in upcoming posts, but the short version is: it's really hard to face the possibility that the reality of a great relationship and family for life (let alone eternity) with a great guy just doesn't exist, at least not for me, or to wonder which of the above factors might have to go in order to find happiness in such a relationship, or whether my dreams could just plain have it wrong.