14 July 2007

The Winds of Change

I never did post this when I first wrote it several weeks ago, so I thought I'd post it now.

I feel them. I'm not sure when or to where or for what, but I feel the winds of change. I have for a while now. It hasn't gone away, this feeling so appropriately matched by the fresh, warm breeze rushing through the living room window behind me as I type this out. I feel I could change jobs easily. I could move to another city, even one in which I know nobody. I love where I live, but I could move too. It's that feeling of being cut loose and floating in space above a world of limitless opportunity but being so high above the earth that none of those opportunities are clear. OK, so the feeling is hard to describe, and I'm tired. The imagery isn't really working.

Sitting in the gym today, numb to the temptation of the beautifully sculpted physiques being flaunted in sleeveless splendor and a bit bored with life in general (yesterday I felt great...maybe I have a chemical or emotional imbalance going on...or just have plenty of emotion secretly wrapped up in my friendships and interactions), I realized this is a familiar sensation, this liberation of the winds of change. It seems to often come when I'm just beginning to find depth in friendships and falling into a routine.

I hate routine. It sucks the life out of life. Is this why I'm such a vagabond? I crave change yet often fail to actively make change in my life. I defy myself in a way. Yet I value my friendships greatly. I love my friends but want other experiences...so I move on and maintain the closer friendships, albeit from a distance, while distancing myself from the more challenging ones.

Maybe it comes when I feel like those around me are moving on when I am not. Maybe I just want to abandon the game to avoid being the guy who's left behind. Geographically. Emotionally. Socially. Developmentally.

Or maybe it just really is time. Maybe I've experienced what I was supposed to experience here ("here" meaning in my current situation, not necessarily geographically), and I'm being released for my next journey. Up until just a couple of weeks ago, I felt there was still a reason for my being here, that I was to stay a while longer. I haven't felt that much at all lately.

I'm not saying I'm about to pack my bags and trek off to uncharted lands. But it is interesting to me how these things work, and I do wonder how much of it is simply my M.O. Arrive at the new place. Experiment: what can I conquer? Can I get a job? Can I assimilate into the culture? Can I challenge some norms? Can I make good friends? Can I keep them? Then when I feel like I've pretty much conquered my curiosities, I'm bored. The experiment is over. And I'm ready for another. I have to ask myself that. It's not about being non-commital; it's about getting bored.

I'd bet I'm exhibiting some sort of classic textbook homo symptoms, here. Feel free to enlighten me. *wink*

Note: I since have not really felt this to any strong degree. I'm just left with the memory of it and the puzzlement over what to do with it. True to form, I have done nothing proactive to figure it out. *sigh* So I'm left to wonder if I haven't felt it because an opportunity has passed, or if I just needed to be spurred by it and now it's up to me, or maybe I'm just to wait and see what's around the bend. But I can't know which of those options is true, so for now, I'm just keeping my eyes open and looking for opportunities.

1 comment:

by a thread said...

SO...this is the "serious" blog that the MOHO world doesn't seem to know how to handle? Well...here is a comment. From me. :) Keep smiling. Make the changes as you feel they are appropriate and as you feel God guiding you toward them. He won't lead you wrong. He may lead you to hard moments meant for your growth though?