31 July 2007


In forming a response to Isakson's comment on my previous post, "Any Homosexual Behavior", I realized I have more thoughts along these lines, so I'm spouting off again.

The comment that stands out to me is the statement that "In most of my friends experiences it has led almost immediately to more regrettable actions."

I understand this statement, and that's why personal discretion is hugely important. If the smallest degree of same-sex physicality is a one-way ticket to fornication, by all means avoid physical contact until you have gained some self control and separated intimacy from sexuality.

Maybe my sex drive is one fourth that of most males my age, but cuddling is hardly automatic foreplay. That is foreign to me! I mean no disrespect at all by the comments I have made or am about to make, but I do have to say, with concern, that if every time you get close to someone, you end up in orgasm, that is a problem, and it's not the cuddling, but your current emotional/psychological state that is the issue. The cuddling is merely a trigger of something deeper. Again, I hope anyone who reads this takes it in the spirit in which it's given: with sincerity and understanding that this really is a problem for some people, gay or straight, and that it's not something to be treated lightly.

I used to wonder how far I might go - how much I might lose control - if I ever allowed myself the least amount of physical affection with another guy, so I was always very cautious. And I was very cautious about any contact with girls because they seemed to ascribe more romantic meaning to it than I imagined they would. So no physical affection for me. As a young kid, I was very cuddly. But by the time I reached adolescence, that was ancient history. I alienated myself physically and emotionally. I have since rediscovered the healing of simple physical contact from caring friends, male or female. There's something powerful about learning to experience real emotional, mental, and physical intimacy in meaningful relationships. Independent of sexuality. Just that intimacy that makes you feel truly connected to those around you, truly human, more than some intelligent robot detached from the beauty of touch we are so fortunate, as beings with physical bodies, to experience in so many ways, only some of which are sexual in nature.

It may be important to point out that when I am talking about physical contact in this context, I'm not talking about spooning with a hot date while watching a romantic movie. I'm not talking about probing and exploring the exciting new form of a fresh, hot body. There are boundaries and rules. You don't "cuddle" with someone you just met. Your hands stay basically still. When things seem like they might escalate, you remind yourself that you can not possibly rely on the other person to stop it. It's totally up to you. You own the situation. The degree of physical intimacy should not exceed the nature of the relationship. If I wonder what my motives are, I generally play it safe and minimize such contact. The nature of the cuddling is about the same whether male or female. It's affection, not passion. Intimacy, not lust.

Physical intimacy and sexuality are often bed partners...but they're not inextricably linked. Ever held someone you care about and not wanted to have sex? That's what I'm talking about.

I'm sure I have more thoughts on the matter or related tangents, but I'm tired, and my allergies are in full bloom, so I'm going to go mormon-liquor up so I can sleep.


isakson said...

I would like to clarify a little. I wasn't saying that we should never have any physical contact with anyone ever. I think there is something important about it and if it could always be done in safety without escalating into anything more that would be great. I really liked what you had to say and I think you worded it great. I think the hardest part about the whole thing is that where one person might be doing just fine the other person might be doing all he can not to throw you down and have a make out session or something. Its hard to know what the other person is feeling or thinking.

I probably get annoying sometimes because I usually voice my opinion on the extreme safe side. I do that because for many of my friends it has gone too far (and I'm sure y'all have friends who've been in the same situation...or maybe you personally). It can be scary when that happens. However these things apply not only to us but those who are straight as well.

Original Mohomie said...

No worries, Isakson. I wasn't upset or anything. It just sparked some thoughts. I think we're pretty much agreed.

And you're right: it's not a specifically gay or straight thing. And you do have to be aware of and sensitive to where the other person is.