29 November 2007

Eternally Solitary

I've been going through a nasty range of emotions lately. This is an excerpt from what I wrote earlier this week on a paricularly bad night. I've hesitated posting it because it's likely many will see this as weakness, instability, or irrational emotion. Maybe that's what it is. In fact, I know a lot of the emotion has been more intense than I can explain. I don't know quite why I'm feeling everything I'm feeling, but I think it's worth taking a risk, here, and looking like a boob.

I feel utterly and eternally alone tonight, and that's partially, I'm sure, because I'm tired, and partially because--in relation to a friend in whom I invested a lot of energy and emotion--I have felt repeatedly reminded how little impact I have in his life and how quickly he gets over anything related to me. Why it keeps bothering me, I don't know. I should know better. I never thought I would sound like this: like an emotionally needy basketcase pining away for a relationship I blew out of proportion in my mind.

Maybe part of it is knowing that this friendship-turned-fling-turned-who-knows-what will not have time to heal before the other half of the fling leaves in just a few weeks, and who knows if I'll be here when he gets back or if we'll see each other again? Cut your losses and let him go, part of me thinks.

And he's talking about getting closer to the church, yet he's also getting closer to guys who have been dating guys? Why should the apparent contradiction bother me?

I feel like an idiot. I feel used and set aside but kept in a drawer like a tender reminder of something you used to cherish but now see as a childish fancy. Am I someone's childish fancy? Meanwhile, _I_ went in more experienced, eyes wider open, but did it anyway. What the @#$% was I thinking?

I feel like I'm just the bum at the crossroads, the guy everyone says "hi" to as they're bouncing back and forth from one extreme to another. Nobody stays in the grey, or the moderate. It's uncomfortable for most. Unbearably uncomfortable. Seems indecisive (though I must say it actually takes a surprising amount of decision to determine to not be swept away one way or another). So they come for a moment, to check in, then they're off like a shot to the safety of more decided extremes. One moment, someone says, "I think I know what I want. I want a gay relationship." The next moment he says, "I'm getting closer to the church. Church was so good today!" What the hell?!! How do people do that? I know what it's like to be torn, but to jump in one pool with both feet then jump out and jump into the other? How? Why?

Now, after what feels like another abandonment, I'm left here feeling lonelier than I have in a long time. Feeling like nobody really understands where I'm coming from or what I'm saying. Nobody is quite as unsure (or willing to admit they're unsure) of what they want. And those who would be closest to me seem to feel unsafe being so, maybe because they simply can't identify with me like they, or I, once thought they could. And I'm not at all interested, right now, in some intangible deity coming to rescue me and make me feel loved. I want a human! A living, breathing human! I'm tired of the ethereal! I'm tired of abstract theories and tentative wishfulness! I just want here and now for once, damn everything else!

I'm sleeping in the middle of my bed tonight. Maybe I can delude myself into feeling less isolated and alone this way. And rely on my dreams to bring me some form of solace and the companionship I want, if only for a few beautiful moments.

1 comment:

jimf said...

> I'm tired. . .

I had to take a break at this point and watch
Lily von Schtupp.