15 November 2007

Regaining Perspective in a Lovesac

As I was discussing relationships with a female friend of mine very recently in a very comfortable Super Lovesac (love it!), she spoke of her moho (LDS and same-gender attracted) boyfriend and how beautiful their (fairly brief, so far) relationship has been. It actually reminded me that I probably don't hate the idea of being with a girl as much as I sometimes think I do. It didn't make me want to go out and date women again, but there were little reminders that could apply to any relationship, really, same-sex, opposite-sex, friends, whatever. It reminded me that I've been a little lazy with my relationships for a while now, and maybe I need to start rethinking a thing or two.

We spoke of many guiding principles. The fact that NCMOs ("nic-mo" = non-committal make-outs) held little appeal whatsoever after having had something so tender, so intimate, so affectionate, so personal, and dare she say, so exciting that the aggressively animalistic nicmo, while it may be "fun" on some levels, suddenly pales in comparison and is shown for what it is: empty, shallow, totally unrewarding, and not worth whatever fun it may hold.

Funny how when you have the genuine article, you see imitations for what they are.

We also spoke of growing old with someone and the fact that she doesn't mind that her boyfriend is surely less physically attracted to her than she is to him. The fact that they can stare into each other's eyes and caress each other's faces and enjoy this deeply, and that they can kiss with a tempered and abiding love and even passion, that they can talk endlessly about everything and nothing and feel deeply connected, attests that perhaps being physically attracted in the way most people experience it is a fair trade for something so much deeper, so much more solid, so much more spiritual and heavenly in her eyes.

We spoke about the beauty (and difficulty) of sacrifice. How she had it confirmed to her that what she wants more than any hot sexual relationship is a deep, spiritual, mature love and the blessings of an eternal marriage and family. And we talked about how when we give some of our concerns, worries, and anxieties to the Lord on the altar, he takes them and makes them lighter and offers a deep and abiding peace and spiritual confidence. This rang true to me on one hand, but seemed like a distant memory on the other.

This set me thinking about the concern many of us share that a woman entering a relationship with a same-sex attracted man, or man with a woman, are being used for someone's selfish desire to conform to a social norm. That they are giving up being loved in the way they always dreamed of for the sake of fulfilling a cookie-cutter molded life. I think this is sadly true in many cases. But I see it from another perspective: if both partners are going into it with eyes as wide open as they can be, and they genuinely love each other, they are each giving up something for the richness of their relationship. There is something beautiful in starting a relationship with an open and willing sacrifice because the other person means that much to you. That, my friends, is love. And I don't mean to imply that only an opposite-sex relationship can display that kind of love and meaningful sacrifice. I'm just saying the old argument that a mixed-orientation relationship is doomed from the beginning because of self-denial is not only sometime erroneous, it's actually potentially entirely backwards when the relationship in question is honest and open.

We talked about other things which may be too personal to share on a blog, but basically, I really enjoyed our conversation and feel that it, more than anything else recently, reminded me of some perspectives which have become clouded by frustration, passion, self-absorption, and simple busy-ness. This is not to say, mind you, that I am suddenly changed or that my doubts are washed away or insignificant, but I think there's a maturity I have somewhat lost over time while exploring new ideas and relaxing my LDS doctrinal adherence. That's not to say the maturity is inextricably connected with the church, but it's a maturity of perspective I tend to lose sight of when I'm not taking the time out of daily life to reflect on the greater perspectives in life, "doctrinal" or otherwise.

I realize this probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense to most readers and is a little haphazardly written, but I wanted to write it out while it's fairly fresh on my mind. Our discussion provided some ideas for me to chew on, so I want to be able to come back to this and be reminded of some of the nuances of our discussion I can't really express in words right now for various reasons. Just thought I'd throw these out there.


Berrykat said...

Beautiful post made me want to cry.

Samantha said...

Anyone who knows me understands that I would never marry anyone for the purpose of conforming to religious constructs--or for any reason other than love. Anyone who has met my husband and I should go away from us with the realization that, whatever the "quirks" within our marriage, we are the best of friends, we build each other, we enjoy every aspect of each other, and we are married because we want to spend each day together. Perhaps this is incomprehensible to some. You seem to be coming closer to understanding--and while I would never encourage anyone to do as I have done and enter into a mixed-orientation marriage, it's nice to know there are those who try to understand with open hearts and minds.

agirlwho said...

Thank you for posting this. I don't think I could have described our conversation better. I don't even think I remembered as much. All I know is I really needed someone to talk to last night and I am so thankful you were willing. ;) I don't know what will happen in the future for me or you, but I stand by what I said, that I know the Lord's plan will make me the happiest, whatever it might entail. I think that's one of the most important things to keep in mind. Oh and thank you for the chocolate therapy too. I might need it again soon.

Kengo Biddles said...

Good post ... it resonates with what I've experienced.

Brady said...

Wow, thanks so much for this post. This is the insight I've been looking for. I know deep down that marriage IS possible, despite all the difficulties it would entail, and despite all the criticisms and frustrations vented in the blogworld at times. Love is a beautiful thing, and no one can discount it, whether it is a mixed-orientation relationship or not.

Once again, thanks.