09 April 2008

Applying Gayness to Future Possibilities

*** Published, unfinished, 27 Oct 2010 ***

I think I'll be able to apply what I've learned in my man-flings to a possible future relationship with a woman. But I'm also wary of my own motivations for seeking a relationship with a woman. Sometimes, believing you're able to do something doesn't mean you should.

"Just hold on, blessings will come, even if not in this life." That is a comforting promise to many. It, of course, requires faith and confidence that there will, in fact, be blessings in the next life and that this life will be but a small moment in the eternal timeline of our souls. Seriously, less than 100 years out of eternity? How could you possibly set yourself on anything but the best course? How could you exchange an eternity of peace and joy and love for the satisfaction of a for-time-only comfort?

It's a little tougher when you already have doubts as to what the eternities hold for you. If you aren't really certain what it's all going to be like when your brain stops working and your cells cease functioning and begin their transformation back into other components of the earth, that question holds far less comfort. It's not a matter of "fearing" there being nothing, but facing the possibility that maybe this life is, in fact, all there is, or maybe the next life is, in fact, so much more perfect than this one that we will be sorry we insisted on so many unnecessary behaviors when true, abiding, meaningful love is really what mattered and everything else was incidental and arranged after this life.

There's another hitch: I appreciate people's assurances that I will be made straight in the next life, and I will therefore WANT to be with a woman and will be given the opportunity to do so, or to continue to be with whatever wife I may choose to be with in this life. I believe many a moho will be overjoyed to hear that they can be with their beloved companion (opposite sex) and that they will continue to be perfected, towards a heterosexual orientation, but that by then, it may not even matter much because they will have spent a lifetime of loving devotion with their chosen companion and would never trade that relationship for the whole world.

But it's hard to find comfort in the promise that one day I will, to describe it plainly, want what I don't want...does that make sense? My mom asked me, "You would choose to change this if you could, wouldn't you? Wouldn't it just be easier to be attracted to women and marry and have children like you always imagined and wanted?" I didn't quite know what to say. Yes, it would be beautiful to not wrestle with the question of whether I should allow myself to love in the way my heart naturally wants to. It would be amazing to know the joy of wrapping my arms around a beautiful girl and have it feel the way it has with guys I've been attracted to, and to know that we can date openly, without scandal, without the moral dilema of whether we're sacrificing eternity just by being together, that we're actually moving together TOWARDS eternity in the most beautiful of human relationships. ...yes, that would be nice, to put it mildly.

But...do I wish I were heterosexual? I don't know. Sometimes, I don't think so. Sometimes, I think, isn't that a bit like saying, "Given the fact that really delicious and decadent chocolate mousse cheesecake is bad for you, don't you wish you liked health food instead?" Um...maybe...I guess...but I effing LOVE chocolate mousse cheesecake! Why are you asking such cruel questions and bending my brain in knots this way?

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