It's decided: absolutely no cuddling of any kind (or, for that matter, hand-holding, which to me is more intimate, or kissing beyond maybe a peck goodnight after a couple of dates) until I've hung out with or gone on dates with someone at least four times prior. If I'm still interested in developing a friendship or relationship with someone after that many times with no real physical affection, I can be fairly confident the relationship (friendship) is probably off to a genuine start, and I've had time to assess what kind of relationship/friendship I'm interested in without muddying things with sexuality or creating false intimacy or a misleading sense of harmony born of physical affection. And no, I'm not interested in sexual gratification without a relationship, so that doesn't apply to me. And I've also had time, by then, to figure out whether we have enough of a "real" connection to merit the trust and affection of physical intimacy, or whether I'm just horny or needy at the time. That's not to say I can't spend a whole evening with someone and form a connection that would merit some (basic) physical affection, but waiting lets me really assess with a clearer head, I think.
And let's be honest: if someone is still interested in hanging out with me after at least four times of little hope of getting any action, even in the form of cuddling, that's an indicator that they probably are genuinely interested in me as a person. Of course, some are remarkably patient, so it would also depend on how often we hang out, how persistent they seem, whether I'm feelin' it, etc. And it could backfire: I might unintentionally send the message that I'm not a physically affectionate person, which I really, really am in certain friendships and in romantic relationships. But I'm not very concerned about that.
Ugh...I'm not big on hard-and-fast rules, but sometimes, you've gotta just draw a line somewhere to keep yourself reminded and level-headed. I'd kind of made this rule for myself loosely but have fudged it...and I've never looked back and thought fudging it was a wise decision. Not once. Maybe I'm learning. This rule is now firm. ...er.
11 comments:
Two in one day! You must have found the bloglaxative you were looking for.
Sounds like a wise plan btw.
Oh you and your silly arbitrary rules.
This line made me smile, just a little: "I'm not interested in sexual gratification without a relationship."--Oh please, every man on the planet gratifies himself sexually without relationships. It's called masturbation. :P
D-Train, don't you believe in self relationships? Oh wait, that's called narcissism :)
Bravone, I think I did.
D-Train, interesting point... :-)
Oh, and joking or not, I'm not interested in debating the "silliness" of setting standards of conduct for myself in recognition of how sexual behavior interplays with the development of relationships, so pblpblpblpblpbl.
Taking it slow at the start is a wise move if you are interested in getting a boyfriend out of the deal.
...or not getting into a messy flirtationship thing. ...yes, more on that in a yet-to-be-published post. :-)
Just for the record, I agree that you should not rush into a "physical" relationship if you want something to last. I just was curious how you decided on 4. Why not 5? Or 3? I guess I would just say that you should keep in mind that you want an actual relationship while dating, but not restrict yourself by seemingly arbitrary rules.
And there you have it, another unsolicited opinion from me.
You are wise in acknowledging that physical affection can quickly result in bonding you to someone--and perhaps someone who doesn't really care, or does not care in the way you want them to.
I notice this when I get a massage, particularly from a male massage therapist. It's easy to feel close to a stranger who has his hands on you, more so with some therapists than others. Some quite literally rub you the wrong way, whereas others touch you in a way that is so warm and affirming.
I guess this is one of the reasons some of friendships with straight men have lasted many years. It is because they provide companionship and a certain emotional intimacy but the physical intimacy is usually limited to occasional hugs with big slaps on the back. I might want to sit and hold the hand of special someone, but it's just not going to happen--unless maybe I'm under hospice care and taking my last breath. ;)
Good luck with your boundaries. Sounds to me like you've got a pretty clear game plan informed by plenty of actual experience.
D, I drew a line because just saying, "I'll wait until it feels appropriate" doesn't work for me once I'm "in the moment". Unless I have a pre-determined line I've set for myself, the ol' lower head does too much thinking and tries to convince me I'm experiencing an exception when I'm not. As for the exact number, I had to pick something. 5th (after the 4th) date/interaction seemed about right, in my experience, to have a pretty good idea of where things are going or what I want from the friendship/relationship. It can be fudged just a little (but I'm not going to predetermine by how much, or I'm defeating the purpose of setting a limit) if it's a clear "exception" even when we're not "in the moment", or even prolonged where appropriate.
Ned, thanks for the input. I can identify to some extent, though I've even had a couple of physically affectionate straight friends, and it's been totally OK and a very different thing from affection with a gay friend where there's mutual attraction. Of course, I've experienced similar with gay friends I'm not attracted to. It's just...benign. But I still keep my rule in those cases to avoid sending the wrong message.
As for massages, I was going to say I hadn't experienced that, but come to think of it, there was one who was really...I dunno..."sweet", and I found myself wondering how I'd react if he breached professionalism and made an advance...I found my resolve lacking. :-) Fortunately, no advances were made, and I enjoyed the TLC without much sexual tension. :-)
...OK, "sweet" doesn't really describe it. I gotta add "sassy" to the description. Forward. Uninhibited. He was borderline flirtatious, but I couldn't figure out if that's just how he was, or that's how he earned himself return clients, or what...ha, that was an entertaining massage...
Why torture yourself. Oh yeah, 'cause torture is fun.
lol
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