So many thoughts, and so relatively few I feel ready to articulate here or think would be pertinent or of any use/interest to readers. I have dozens of drafts of posts where I start writing or at least write a title for an idea and save the draft because I don't have time (or interest) to hash it out. I guess I'm more interested in experiencing, processing, and figuring out than articulating right now. When I sit to write about additional questions people have asked me, I sigh, shrug, wonder what the @#$% good it'll do to write about it here anyway, and go back to perusing Facebook, reading news, watching clips from Ellen, reading blogs, researching Le Corbusier's love life or the history of the phrase "son of a gun" or organizations for agnostic people who desire principle- and value-based lives, paying bills, checking a dating site to see who they've matched me up with this time for the sheer curious heck of it (even though I've never used a dating site to contact anyone and don't intend to anytime soon), IMing with someone, looking into hobby-related things like how to sell photographs, seeing what's new on Netflix, seeking gainful employment, or looking into what kind of grad program I'd like to go into but getting frustrated that I don't know what I want to study and going back to Facebook, etc. When I start getting stuck in the cycle and realize I'm not going to do what I need to be doing anyway, I decide to get off my duff and go to Chopin performances or run errands or work out or meet friends for lunch and dinner and skiing and games and Utah-style cabaret instead because I might as well be doing something besides getting distracted. *smirk*
Yeah, I have trouble focusing sometimes. I wonder if I have a mild form of ADD? Or maybe I just completely lack self control in certain regards. Maybe I should care.
I also have 87 saved text messages to myself, most of which are random thoughts I have in the course of an average day and want to remember. Most of these will never make it to elaboration, let alone publishing. But I will look at them again at least once and very likely may at least transcribe them to an unpublished draft before deleting them from my phone.
I wish there were a way to pause time, so I could hash it all out, articulate it, and then go out to collect more data/experience, then come back and pause time again... I also wish I could download my brain and archive it for access and input by others, but I'll be taking most of this stuff to the grave, methinks. Of course, most of it wouldn't be useful to others who haven't experienced exactly what I have with exactly my perspective, anyway...so I guess it's no big loss. Mostly a lot of random, mundane experiences and "hm" thoughts with occasional profundity or paradigm shifting thrown in haphazardly.
Gosh, I must be on one again. Whole Foods produce guy was gorgeous. Seemed well groomed but not high maintenance. Tall, thin. Square jaw. Good hair. Beautiful face. Casual but engaged expression, not cocky or lazy. Nice eyes. And I mean "nice" as in "not mean", not "nice" as in "acceptably aesthetically pleasing". Then cashier-guy caught my eye, too, to a lesser degree. I checked their name tags. Produce guy has a more appealing name. But don't flatter yourself, D-Train. Who am I kidding, of course you're going to. And now the guy next to me in the library is quite the hottie, too. I'm too old for this crap, gawking at "hotties". OK, so I don't think I gawk or stare. But I do admire. But he did catch me looking. But it's OK, folks, I played the ol' "oh, I'm looking at the person next to you now, and now the next, because I'm just scanning the room casually..." card. ...I'm not getting blips on my 'dar, and I think he's studying engineering, which severely reduces gay potential. How many gay engineers have you met? I think they're few and far between. ...of course, most who are probably don't "act it": I think the vast majority of engineers come with one of three pre-packaged personalities, and "flamboyant" is certainly not one of them. Oh, he just left. Sad. Do you do that? Get disappointed when a hottie leaves even though there was never a chance you were going to do anything about it other than admire from afar? What am I, a teenage girl? Ew. I know, I know, "get a boyfriend already". Bah. I have a draft started about what I think of that advice. I may never finish it.
Yep, that thing that happens when I realize I'm being totally unproductive...yeah, just hit it. Time to go.
5 comments:
The cashier's name was D-Train? What are the chances? :P
By the way, I happen to live with a flamboyant engineer. And if you can believe it, he works with other attractive, gay engineers.
I think you need to spend less time thinking and blogging, and more time enjoying your life and being yourself and looking for jobs outside of the intermountain west.
D-Train, you're quite the advisor, there, aren't you, punk? I think you missed part of what I was saying here: I prefer a balance between experiencing, understanding, and articulating what life has to offer, hopefully to the benefit of someone besides myself. I enjoy my life. And I get out and do fun stuff. Some people say too much, some say not enough. I say I'll be the judge. I know most people can't relate, but not stopping to process my thoughts and experiences and record them wouldn't be "me". That would be...someone else who cares about different things.
...are you REALLY saying, "O-Mo, this post was a waste of my time"? :-)
There you go again thinking too much. I did not intend my comments to be advice as much as my thoughts (hence the "I think").
I think it is great that you record your experiences and thoughts. I hope that you also keep a personal journal so that someday you can have an unfiltered version of your life experiences.
I feel that sometimes you try too hard to maintain a certain perception of yourself to those that read your blog. Maybe that's who you really are, but I'm just saying that it seems fake sometimes.
Oh, and most of your posts are a waste of my time. I can really only think of one blog that is not a waste of my time. But just for the record, this was actually one of the few blog posts I read of yours from beginning to end. But you're right, I probably miss a lot in your posts. I'm not good at deciphering your posts.
P.S. Don't take any of this the wrong way. Obviously I enjoy your blog because I keep reading it. But my style could not be any further from cryptic and vague. I am much more of a direct person, in case you did not notice. =)
Heh, I don't expect casual acquaintances or blog readers to know me, but I prefer thoughtful directness to pussy-footing or facades. I also prefer thoughtful and diplomatic, or tempered, directness to crude or hostile directness, but so few people bother to practice it that I think it's often misinterpreted by most. But that's probably an explanation for another time.
And do you really think I'm gonna buy this hooey about some distinction between advice and "I think you should"? Come on. Pish tosh.
My recommendation? Donate your brain to science when you die, asking them to freeze it until technology advances to the point that they are able to download your thoughts. What a treasure trove that would be! Could be scary too :)
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