*** Posted 26 Oct 2010 ***
Yeah, some things never change.
O-Mo [11:28 AM]:
I'm wondering if some of my depression lately is magnified by the weather. Maybe I need to go tanning more.
Actually, no, I probably need to have a goal or two in life. That would probably help a lot.
So....how're things?
Friend [11:29 AM]:
ha ha! I agree. That' s why I swim to get the endorphins.
O-Mo [11:29 AM]:
Ha, I thought I'd just start off our chat on a "light" note.....
Friend [11:29 AM]:
It gives a very noticable difference.
ha ha
O-Mo [11:29 AM]:
I haven't been working out as much either. That might help.
Friend [11:30 AM]:
you've been busy. It's only normal to drop stuff like working out. I do it too.
Friend [12:27 PM]:
You have goals don't you? You've done school already. Are you going back for more?
Oh, the reparatives could have a heyday with this one, if this were the only context they were given:
O-Mo [1:47 PM]:
Oh my gosh. I'm pathetic. I just spent 10 minutes clicking through [G]'s pics on Facebook, fondly remembering...
....wishing it were different....
Friend [1:48 PM]:
Aw!
O-Mo [1:48 PM]:
Ha! I never thought I'd be so...weird.
Friend [1:48 PM]:
that really makes me sad.
O-Mo [1:48 PM]:
Eh, it's not all that sad. Just....meh.
Friend [1:49 PM]:
Just to hear that you still feel so... ya know what I 'm saying. I can't think of the exact word.
O-Mo [1:50 PM]:
I don't know that I feel "so" anything. Just remembering. Wondering if there's something there that I'm missing.
[...]
Friend [1:52 PM]:
I wish I had wise words to say. It's not gonna help cause I haven't been there.
All I know is that I am still not over the whole [H] thing but I get closer everyday. Sometimes it really really hurts.
O-Mo [1:53 PM]:
A couple of friends insisted I shouldn't waste too much energy. That there was much better out there for me, whatever I were to choose, but I still hate being wrong about people, so that only helps so much.
[H] is that big a deal for you? I'm not sure I knew that.
Friend [1:53 PM]:
yes. You don't seem to let go easily when so much has been invested. At least in your eyes.
Yeah it's still there. I do a lot of comparing. It's totally different from the situation you're in. I could only hope for that. ha ha.
O-Mo [1:55 PM]:
Eh, I don't let go easily, no. This has only happened about....eh, 3-4 times that I can think of, where I really thought there was more to someone or to a friendship than it seems they did.
But I do let go....but it's hard when they seem interested but their actions don't follow up.
O-Mo [1:59 PM]:
It's usually with a certain kind of personality. Maybe it's just that every once in a while, I try to mesh with people I just don't mesh with. And it fails. [One female friend] was like that. We SO could've been tight, yet we just never quite got there. And when she moved, we spoke rarely. When our mutual friend...got married (she had fallen for him), she stopped calling back entirely.
O-Mo [2:17 PM]:
Is [H] still ignoring most of your texts?
Friend [2:19 PM]:
I'm on a call so I was going to respond to the last stuff you wrote but was busy. [H] isn't ignoring it's just that I think I'm still wanting a codependent relationship or something cause I want to know everything. It's silly.
Plus [H] just looking perfect in my eyes doesn't help me feel any better.
[...]
I just want to be truthful about the way i feel and don't know if I really am. ugh! frustrating is an understatement.
O-Mo [2:29 PM]:
It's not silly. I know what you mean. Maybe it's codependent. Or just dependent. But yeah, you want to skip right to intimate and completely trusting. Believe me, I know.
[H] isn't perfect. But he may be in all the measures you wish you were. Or something.
Friend [2:31 PM]:
you pretty much summed up everything perfectly. Dang!
O-Mo [2:31 PM]:
That's kind of like [G] for me. Athletically skilled (in athletics I actually care about), all-American good looks, successful in school and work...
...sings beautifully, has fun, outgoing friends who seem to want him around all the time...
Friend [2:32 PM]:
It's like the term "hurt so good!" You are hurt but at the same time it's good. That doesn't make sense.
[...]
It's like i feel bad or am jealous about the traits but then it turns into this desire for complete acceptance. huh?! did I miss something. That sounds so backwards.
Oh, the joys of this thing I call my life!
O-Mo [2:36 PM]:
Heh, I don't feel that as much. I think there are things that [G] and I could really teach each other to round each other out. I'm not scheduled enough. He gets things done. I'm quiet and introspective, he's vocal and says what's on his mind. I'm serious and analytical, he takes nothing personal seriously. It's not so much jealousy as wanting to learn from each other. Ha, I even take things slow and steady, and he jumps right in aggressively.... *cough*
But I do understand the jealousy thing. I've been there, too.
You want the traits, and you want to know that someone who measures up in all those ways really can embrace and accept you. It's nice to know that people we look up to appreciate us and maybe even look up to us in some ways, too. Nobody wants to be ignored or frowned upon by someone they respect.
When we are, but we keep respecting them, that's an abusive relationship.
Friend [2:39 PM]:
that's exactly it. I feel like I am succumbing. I hate it. "No I will not." I tell myself but its like " oh I want to feel like Im in control of the situation." I'm just going to let go.
O-Mo [3:22 PM]:
So are you really "just going to let go", or are you going to tell yourself you're going to do that but not really do it?
Friend [3:25 PM]:
ha ha. I have tried to let go and just trust before. It's against all my natural inclinations. I think you know me pretty well by now. Hence the whole "or are you going to tell yourself you're going to do that but not really do it? "
It's definitely worth a try. Letting go would be such a relief.
O-Mo [3:28 PM]:
Yeah, I suppose it would.
1 comment:
> [H] isn't perfect. But he may be in all the measures you wish you were.
> Or something. . . That's kind of like [G] for me. Athletically skilled
> (in athletics I actually care about), all-American good looks, successful
> in school and work... ...sings beautifully, has fun, outgoing friends
> who seem to want him around all the time...
>
> It's like the term "hurt so good!" You are hurt but at the same time it's
> good. That doesn't make sense. [...] It's like i feel bad or am jealous
> about the traits but then it turns into this desire for complete acceptance.
> huh?!
_Of Love and Lust - On the Psychoanalysis of Romantic and Sexual Emotions_
Theodor Reik
Part One, "A Psychologist Looks at Love"
"We have discovered some strange things concerning the origin of love:
the preliminary state of discontent or dissatisfaction with oneself,
the inner tension resulting therefrom, the attempts to remove it or
ease it. Before he fell in love the person is not in an enviable
psychical condition but in emotional distress. . . We have found that
the sufferer sometimes tries to overcome the inner discord by
achievements or the accomplishment of something important to himself
and others. Another way. . . is to enlarge and enrich the ego by means
of love. . .
It was strange to find that love does not spring from abundance and
richness of the ego, but is a way out of inner distress and poverty. . .
In order to love someone we have to admire him or her. We need not
always know what we admire in the object; we need not even know
that we do admire, but only that we feel attracted or fascinated.
It seems, however, that admiration is a necessary feeling of
incipient love. [A]dmiration is [not]
a necessary feeling of incipient love, but. . . it is a
preliminary condition which is absolutely essential. . .
Certainly not a cool, dispassionate, impersonal kind of
appreciation. . . [i]t is. . . much nearer the
core of one's own personality. . .
It is the kind of admiration that makes one feel small, inferior,
unworthy by comparison with the object. At the same time it stimulates
wishes to be like the object or to take possession. . . either to
be endowed with similar qualities or to own such a personality. . .
This is the only kind of admiration which is invisibly, inseparably
accompanied by envy. Respect and high appreciation for this or
that quality or endowment in another person need not be coupled
with envy. . .
The admiration or envy which is a psychological premise of love. . .
[i]s directed to the whole personality, to all the combined
endowments of the object. . . Only this wholehearted admiration
without restrictions produces the particular envy upon which
rests. . . the solid, unconscious basis of loving. [It]
does not see the negative side of a person. . . human weaknesses
or faults. [They] do not bother us because we are so fascinated
by the superiority of the object. Adolescent[s]. . . often. . . feel
such a fascination for. . . their hero. . .
There is a long way from unconscious feelings of envy, from
repressed tendencies of jealousy to love and tenderness. . .
'Love envieth not,' says Paul, 'seeketh not its own.' That
concerns rather love itself than its preparatory phases.
As a matter of psychological fact love is characterized by
a complete overcoming of the initial tendencies of envy. . .
There are no visible traces left of its one-time presence. . .
Here is a surprising sentence from _Wilhelm Meister_ by
Goethe. 'There are no means of safety against superior
qualities of another person but to love him.' . . . What
Goethe here alludes to is clear: if we do not want to yield
to the temptations of envious and jealous feelings against
such a person, we had better love him. Love is. . . an
escape from the danger of the otherwise unavoidable envy
which superiority arouses in us."
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