31 October 2009

The Curse of the Werehomo

At this time of year, many celebrate and dread the thrills and horrors of vile creatures and evil spirits. Society is filled with movies and costumes depicting creatures of the night who suck blood, cast spells, or turn into raging monsters by the light of the full moon. Most of them are very fictional, but there is one monster about which I feel compelled to warn the susceptible masses.

By day, he is a wholesome, same-sex-attracted, active and faithful Mormon boy. He holds a calling in his ward, goes to YSA activities, proclaims his faith in the restored gospel with all the zeal of an A.P., and reaches out in kindness and support to vulnerable young mohos just beginning to face their own homosexuality and hoping to find good friendships to help them stay active in the church, faithful in their testimony, and dealing honestly with their issues.

But beware, oh moho newbies, the danger which lurks unseen until it is often too late! Not all wholesome, LDS not-quite-hetero young men are always as they appear, for some have been cursed by an explosive manwhore power beyond anything they have the ability to harness! Pity them, friends, for well-intended though they may believe themselves to be, deep inside lurks a ravenous beast which has, time and time again, released itself with the fury of a thousand sexually repressed gay men at moments least expected, devouring their victims in a flurry of lust followed by sudden retreat, leaving the victim abandoned and desolate. These beings have been cursed, and though they may not be intentionally duplicitous, they are fighting a monster within, which they fear and over which they may have little control. The beast may not manifest itself for days or weeks, so it sometimes can be very challenging to identify one of these outrageously dichotomous beings, these werehomos, but you must learn to spot them for your own protection.

Some clues for spotting a werehomo:
  • They are secretive creatures, benign by day but highly stealthy and mysterious by night. Their nocturnal activities are elusive, leaving friends unsure of where they've been or how they can spend five hours at the gym...
  • They cruise Craig's List, purportedly looking for "someone to talk to", while ignoring the many friendships and ears they have available. Some people are genuinely looking for someone who understands in a way nobody else seems to, but more often than not, more than "understanding" is secretly sought, indicated by the secrecy of these late-night prowlings...
  • They isolate friendships and keep social circles very distinct, for when others have experienced the "beast", they can't afford for the word to get out and mar their reputation, destroying their chances of living a normal "Peter Priesthood" life in the fantastical future when the inner beast has been slain.
  • They are often first in a support/discussion group to extend to unsuspecting newbies a hand of friendship or a phone number to call on lonely nights. They know, at the time, the beast within is compelling them with ulterior motives, but they cannot help themselves. They must play the part of "faithful priesthood holder" to lure the intrigued, attractive ones who seek belonging into the "let's help each other stay faithful with our hands in each other's pants" society.
  • They may harshly judge out-and-proud gay men, or formerly LDS guys who have since left the church and are pursuing same-sex relationships, even decrying such faithless abomination with Tartuffish indignation.
  • Sometimes, one of these may befriend a newbie supposedly to support him and protect him from the wolves in sheeps clothing but find himself unable to resist his own inner-wolf and end up passionately lip-locked with the object of his protection. Some have done this in isolated incidents, but for some, it is a pattern which the creature inside will not let them learn or change; its insatiable hunger for gorging on the affection of impressionable mohos will not be denied...
  • They fear themselves and the rage of their caged beast. They don't know when or where it may manifest itself, so they exert all energy to keep it safely locked away when the moon is not full, never to be spoken of or revealed lest it should suddenly take hold at inopportune moments.
  • Those who have embraced the rush they experience when the beast comes out are different, though: they have an odd confidence about them which attracts some newly-coming-out mohos who don't consider the possibility that some guys are perfectly comfortable with a weekly routine including attending church and getting more stud action than a small-town prom queen...


So beware, my friends. It is a tricky beast, a cunning one, and often not identifiable until you've become one of its many victims in a whirl of passion and rage and piety and shame, and before you know it, you, too, may have been infected by the curse of the werehomo, seeking out new victims to perpetuate the horrific tale. Many mohos are, as of yet, not under this curse, but the perils mustn't be ignored nor feared but faced and confronted! Go now, and enjoy your Halloween activities, warned with a sharp warning and alert to the dangers lurking not in the shadows, but in Peter Priesthood in the pew right next to you or, even more terrifyingly, in your own soul, threatening to burst out in all its horrific, uber-slut terror, devouring your virtue and leaving you in withered and divided shreds of who you once were! How's that for frightful? Happy Halloween! *ominously evil laughter*

6 comments:

Sean said...

All I can say after dying from laughter reading this is "trick or treat"

Quinn said...

:) You make me smile. But sadly this post has a lot of truth in it. Danged horned-up mormon gay boys!

MNJ said...

ABSOLUTELY one of my favorites ever! SO ture...the question remains for each of us, ARE WE ONE TWO?

Alan said...

Thanks, you've saved me the work of writing an autobiography.

boskers said...

I agree with Quinn. It's sad to think that there's a lot of truth to this. But I think all people have to deal with it. Everyone has a carnal desire to do things that are below their standards. And everyone has to learn to control those desires.

However, what would make for a better were-homo is a completely straight guy going homo only on Halloween night. It doesn't seem too far-fetched. On no other night are there as many straight cross-dressers. I saw more than a few in Wal-Mart last night.

Max Power said...

Tartuffish?

I had to google that one.

I was once a werehomo. Then I met the man of my dreams. Now I see life from a completely different vantage point.

I wouldn't see that this post has a lot of truth in it, I would say it is completely true. Although, not all werehomos experience all of the symptoms.