Faith

I had faith in "us", the kind of faith you act on and hope for despite the odds, which enlarges your soul and gives a sense of purpose and dedication, confident in what could be if both parties have the faith necessary to see it through and trust the outcome. But as with any other thing in life, if one party lacks faith, or finds overshadowing faith in something else which is at odds, the miracle is not achieved. Faith, I've learned over time, is not always rewarded in the way we hoped, or in the timeline we hoped. But your perspective--what you do with what happens, whether or not it's what you hoped--makes all the difference in life.

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." LDS scripture adds "...which are true." A few years ago, had someone come to me with these thoughts, I would have told him, "Trust not in the arm of flesh," assuming that to mean not to have "faith" in interpersonal relationships but in God first, who would orchestrate and make all else well, who is never the one to lack faith or put faith in something else, always upholding his end, a nice insurance. But the kind of faith that you put into a deity to resolve your problems is, I now suspect, a leap of similar kind to taking a leap to invest in a relationship, or a concept, or a decision, without knowing the outcome but believing it will turn out as it should, and you will learn from it.

Having faith in a deity sort of generalizes your energy and investment and provides an umbrella comfort that persists regardless of how things here and now end up. It's a nice belief to have had. It made things OK in the long run even when they were crappy for the time being. Yet I feel some hopefulness that things will be alright, that they'll work out in the long run. It's not yet a living, active faith to propel me into optimistic action, like my faith in God and LDS doctrine used to be, or my faith in "us" was. But it's enough to keep going for now, weary and broken as I feel. And while I may be more careful about what risks I take in the future, I love the faith I felt in "us" and hope to be able to muster such faith again in a future relationship because there's something beautiful about acting on faith in what is yet unseen.