Relapse

It's been a week since our last conversation, a week and a half since our last date, which was, to me, a sort of magical day. Feels so much longer ago. Yes, my inexperience must be showing, and I'm going to post this at the risk of sounding like a juvenile. I thought I was past the hard stuff. I was feeling better yesterday, keeping busy with my original mohomies in the place where I first started meeting moho friends and really coming to terms with things.

Moving back to the northwest was hard. Leaving Utah felt right, not to mention long overdue. Part of me thinks I should have left when I originally intended to, rather than staying to see how things with [him] would play out. We could have parted on a high. He would have been the one having a breakdown, he had said, but I would've comforted him from afar. He would most likely still have gone to the Evergreen Conference and changed his "direction" anyway, but we already would've stopped dating by then, so the parting would have been less abrupt, possibly less painful for me, less personal, and maybe less final. But I took the risk and ended up leaving Utah when my last big reason for staying dissolved.

I don't know why coming back here was so hard. Maybe it's because it should have felt like 'coming home' in a way. It should have been comforting. But it wasn't. I felt bad when I arrived at a gathering of good friends who welcomed me back, and I could show very little enthusiasm because I was struggling with that. I hope they understood. Being back here reminded me of how things have changed, it feels newly foreign, a bit empty. As terribly sappy as it sounds, I couldn't help but wonder if no place can feel like home right now, compared to being with him. The phrase "nothing will feel right for now" rang true. I had a very difficult first day or two here, then yesterday was better, and I felt more 'normal'. I've been trying to keep in mind that I have plans to make and aspects of my life to build, and the sooner I get to that, the sooner I have more to look forward to, to reduce the distraction of looking back excessively.

A hope that I will eventually find what I'm looking for, in whatever form it may come, returned, which is nice. I enjoyed the day with friends, despite feeling a bit worn out from an emotionally exhausting week. I laughed and smiled effortlessly a few times. Today has been different. I dreamed, last night, that I was at a gathering of friends at the home I lived in in Utah Valley, and I discovered that [he] was there, too. I saw him, talking happily and engaging, and I wanted to go talk with him, but he didn't seem to notice my presence. He didn't seem sad or affected by my absence, just contentedly carrying on with life. I longed to go see him, to talk with him, to have that engaging smile directed at me again. I thought, "What if he's forgotten, and we are back to being friends? I could do that, just to have him around again." Foolish. I didn't want to interfere with his newfound social life, and I was afraid his smile would melt into an expression of frustration that I dared to interrupt his new life with our messy past. So I took in one last view of him happily enjoying himself, and I turned and walked away.

I woke up in a funk, and I've had a lot of emotion to let out today, apparently. I've been fighting an almost gut-wrenching urge to contact him, but I'm too afraid of his response being indifferent (I'd rather hold on to the prevailing memories of his warmth), or of him thinking I'm just trying to lure him away from exaltation for my own selfish needs, or of pushing him even further away, or of re-opening wounds I'm trying to let heal, or of it being just plain inappropriate or wrong for me to reach out right now for whatever reason. So I hold back, I avoid any connection with him because I'm supposed to be letting go. I wonder if the absolute silence is making it worse or better for me. It's hard to tell. I miss him more than I thought I would, so much it aches. Or is it "us" I miss? I miss "us" intensely. Would being in touch with him without "us" be just as bad? All I know is today has caught me off guard and been surprisingly rough.


Note: I've decided to be more raw and immediate with my posts as of late, something I rarely do. As a result, I may say things I regret or by which I'll later be embarrassed. So be it. But FYI, I'm re-evaluating my motives for posting this stuff, and it may stop abruptly at some point if I decide the motives are either expired or are not constructive. Don't make assumptions about my silence if that happens.