20 September 2010

Nothing to say...

Disjointed thoughts about having "nothing to say":

I have dozens and dozens of posts started. I have drafts galore waiting to be finished, a couple just waiting for the "Publish" button. Last Friday, I wrote about my first Evergreen Conference experience and what it meant at the time, and how I see it now, but I haven't finished it. I also started a draft about the keynote speaker at this year's conference, and why Evergreen seems to have no better options for speakers than guys who were caught in gay bars after publishing books about how live hetero and whose explanation doesn't wash with eyewitness accounts, but now publishing it would seem like bitterness about losing someone to the conference, even though I started it when things were supposedly fine between us. I have drafts about my agnosticism, the path leading to it, the questions asked about it, the beauty and meaning of life as I see it, weird or funny stories, random thoughts, and my first official "dating" relationship which is now over.

I'm hurt by that, I'm worn out, I don't know how to feel towards my many friends who care about me but also think he made the right decision and will be the ones to support him in leaving me behind as naught but a shadow of the true joy he is purportedly to find in heteronormative, church-policy-centered living.

I'm tired of explaining myself to LDS people, gay people, everyone, helping others understand where I'm coming from so they can get over their angry feelings at me for being fallen or foolish, people who believe I'm probably damned or duped but love me "anyway".

I'm confident that I could not be honest by living any differently right now.

I'm at peace with where I am and where I've been, despite the stress of social adaptation and the uncertainty or ambiguity of where I'll be in five years or whether I'll find the kind of companionship I want.

I'm pretty sure very few people ever act on principle or what they perceive as "truth". I'm pretty sure almost everyone acts on what they believe will make them "happy". I believe that when people's emotions are strongly appealed, they respond to that and adapt their thinking to make themselves believe they're responding to "truth". Maybe even I do that and don't realize it. But I don't respect it. Maybe I have a thing or two to learn.

I don't see bloggers changing much. Seems like everyone just does what they're going to do and thinks what they're going to think anyway. I feel like nothing I say here has ever or will ever have any real, lasting impact on anyone. It seems like I could spend all day getting my entries well-organized, as rationally coherent as can be, and it won't make a bit of a difference. Those who want to believe one thing or another will believe it, and they'll either dismiss my ideas when convenient or support my ideas when convenient, and they'll just do whatever is most comfortable to them in the end regardless of anything I say.

I started recording a series of autobiographical, chronological development of my experience with homosexuality from childhood until now, starting with a 10-minute audio entry about childhood. It was interesting for me, but since I don't see it having any real effect on anyone, I don't want to put it out there.

So the short version is: I have a ton to say because my thoughts are whirling and spinning and zooming forward faster than I can articulate, but I have nothing to say because I can't possibly articulate my thoughts extensively enough to convey them with justice and because I just don't see it accomplishing anything anymore.

Maybe this is temporary, a generalized projection of my experience with someone I was emotionally invested in (I think I do that), and I will post away later. Or maybe I'm done with thoughtful posts and will keep it all light and fluffy. Or maybe I'm done. I don't know. This isn't a threat, and what you say will probably have little, if any, effect on what I do, so I'm not fishing. I'm just...venting.


A Gay Mormon Boy said...

If it's any consolation, I tend to agree with you on the count of bloggers not changing. There are exceptions, but largely it seems like many take on the task of defending their beliefs and actions.

I would argue, however, that blogging does help those looking to find their voice (as opposed to developing their views). In my own writing, I've sorted through my feelings, evaluated and condensed them to something I find meaningful. Reading "MoHo" blogs takes on a similar role. There is of course the communal aspect. Finding like-minded people or, rather, like-minded stories, provides a type of comfort one needs to feel justified in feeling, living, etc. (In the case of your blog, I'm much more comfortable with my agnostic leanings as a result of reading).

I suppose that all comes full circle as writing allows us to connect. Emails from total strangers expressing gratitude not only justify how I feel, but rectify some of the frustration.

A bit disjointed for a comment, but I think I got most of what I wanted on the page in an understandable format.

Quiet Song said...

Quiet Song speaks because of you . . . I think that has been a good thing for her and hopefully for others who, well, just don't quite fit the mold but somehow find a place anyway.

Bravone said...

I've spent a few days thinking about this post, the emotion behind it, the emotion it brings out in me, where you might perceive me fitting in your descriptions, what motivates me to feel the way I do about you, etc. A lot to think about. It will take a while.

I've tried to analyze why I feel such love for you, why i feel such sorrow for you, how that meshes with my current life choices and beliefs.

First, I trust God more than I trust me. I trust that he knows me and he knows you. I trust that his understanding is greater than mine, that he allows us to make our own path as we learn and grow from our personal life experiences. My path is mine. It isn't better than anyone else's, it is simply mine.

Second, I may be a simpleton, but after much contemplation, I realize that love doesn't have to be explained. I am capable of loving someone for the sake of loving.

I haven't always done the right thing just because it's right or for the sake of being a decent human being, but I can love simply because my heart allows me to, and be grateful for the ability to do so.