28 September 2010
Missing him differently
There's something significant which didn't hit me until last night. Every other time I've ended a relationship/fling with someone, I've felt a stark lack of physical companionship. I've intensely missed their arms around me, or holding them tightly into me. I've felt alone in bed, even if we didn't share a bed in reality. I've always missed their companionship and conversation, too, but most of the loss manifested in feelings of physical loneliness. [He] and I were definitely physically affectionate, and even passionate at times (though restrained, a fact which I appreciate and will repeat in future relationships), but as I lay in bed last night, about to fall asleep, I realized I wasn't longing for his arms around me or vice versa and hadn't, really, since the break-up. I have intensely, achingly missed him, not in the "I wish I had someone" way but in a very whole, very personal way, but I haven't given much thought to the physical distance. Sure I miss holding each other and feeling him breathe with me, or being physically expressive in typical "couple" ways. But more so, I miss our intimate or casual conversations about anything and everything, staring up at the stars together, goofing off with him, the feel of his cheek in my hand and lips kissing my palm, the expressive looks in his eyes that said what words can only approximate, the things he said with a tender or wicked smile, the things I felt but was afraid or otherwise hesitant to express, feeling so grateful to have him... That's what I miss most, and I'm grateful for that fact.