I'm weary of fighting a natural inclination to tread a path that will lead to less resistance and conflict in my social circles and among those who are the most significant people in my life.
I'm weary of hoping to find others who want the kind of relationship I want, carry the values I do, and have considered both sides quite fairly rather than dismissing gay relationships as merely childish playthings or mixed-orientation marriage and single living as sheeplike self-loathing or an impossibility.
I'm weary of wondering if I'll ever live in a society where same-sex relationships aren't an issue, and gender roles are understood to be malleable, fluid over centuries, and destined to adapt to evolving humanity and social needs, or where religious beliefs and speculations aren't used to legislate behaviors not proven to inescapably damage the rights of others.
I'm weary of wondering whether gay culture will mature, seducing away fewer gay men from understanding the value of committing to a relationship through thick and thin, even after the initial infatuation wears off. And whether there will be more gay men who truly want committed, monogamous relationships to the extent that such desire is clearly reflected in their actions and relationships. Or whether my own views have to change to a more "enlightened" perspective I don't currently want.
I'm weary of wondering whether I'll be able to afford to adopt, or whether I'll even be able to live somewhere where it's even legal for two men to adopt, or whether I'll have a surrogate to have little mes running around, or whether and in what ways I'd need to compensate for not giving them a mommy, or whether what I really want is to have children "with" someone in the truest sense, where we both procreate and raise little ones, or whether that's a selfish desire I need to let go of.
I'm weary of trying to figure out how we'll eventually tell my LDS nieces that their once-faithful uncle is now a godless homo, and his "friend" he's been bringing to family functions for years isn't just a "roommate", and knowing that this will bring them sadness and stress. Even though we all have stress and understanding to adapt to throughout life, and following convictions often catalyzes those, I'm growing weary of being that source of stress to so many in my life and would feel so much relief to just be the "example" I used to be to the majority of people who've been most prominent in my life.
I'm weary of not being convinced that I couldn't have a happy mixed-sex marriage and wondering if I would be happier doing that and having the essentials of a quality relationship without all this other baggage, but still wondering whether that would be with an LDS woman, an atheist woman, a religiously indifferent woman, or...it just doesn't solve everything.
I'm weary of wondering whether the kind of guy I'm most attracted to is also the kind of guy most likely to need his religious community in his life and the approbation of his conservatively religious family, and whether I'm willing to risk losing someone to that draw again.
I'm weary of having increasingly many questions with seemingly fewer and fewer answers. I'm weary of trying to nail down any concrete answers before acting. I'm weary of feeling the pressure to act more sure that I am about some things and the frustration of not being able to convey how sure I am of other things which are less concrete. I'm weary of wishing I just "knew" certain things one way or another but without arbitrarily ascribing cosmic meaning to "feelings" or convincing myself opponents are simply wrong.
I wasn't so weary of these things while "we" were together (barring the last one). I knew they were questions which would need to be answered, but I was OK with it, confident we'd find our way if what we had turned out to be right. But [he] grew tired of "questioning" and sought after conviction of a different kind, and I am finding myself consequently afraid that's just how it's going to be. On one hand, I'm worried about finding someone who is too hedonistic and can't resist the allure of predominant gay culture's idea of liberated sexuality. But more so, I'm afraid no relationship with the kind of guy I am attracted to and want to be with (which I may try to explain in another post), will be able to permanently stand up against the pressures of religious influence persistently dangling "sinner" in front of us, family disapproval or stresses, expectations of established gender norms, traditional perceptions of marriage and commitment, and the personal endurance and diligence required to accept possibilities about truth without needing to eventually subscribe to a set or system of prescribed beliefs and doctrines, complete with the welcoming community and praises of men and women who think similarly.
Maybe my own weariness is feeding this fear because if I am worn out, why not the next guy? Or maybe my fear is creating the weariness. I feel detached from any specific community as I forge my own path, and though that's been a challenge I felt I was overcoming, and I'd love to find someone to explore that with me, I'm realizing that the likelihood of finding someone else who's comfortable forging with me in defiance of and at the expense of the comfort of the community they've always known, and the social "belonging" they've always wanted, whether in a religious community, gay community, or both, is...probably dismal.
I felt like having [him] to share the journey was enough for me, even if we never saw fully eye to eye, but still I can't help but wonder whether this is a stark realization that even though I think seeking truth is priority number one, when confronted with the juxtaposition of being with someone, or part of a community, and being alone, I powerfully yearn to not be alone. And maybe this comes down to me not being as ready for commitment to a relationship as I would like to be; maybe I haven't yet convinced myself it's what I want objectively or in an abstract sense, even though I clearly wanted it with [him]. Maybe I have yet to meet the social circles where I'll meet people I more fully relate to, but maybe I'm simultaneously afraid that they will not fit into the rest of my life, and I won't be ready to leave behind my social circles and culture in favor of them.
What I don't know is whether I'm second-guessing because I'm truly not ready and have lingering doubts, or whether it's because I'm afraid of this happening again and am defensively reacting.
...Speaking of weary, I have plenty more posts in the works related to all of this, so I intend to fully wear all of you out as well. You don't have to read...in fact, I think most of you have already been skimming. *shrug*
1 comment:
There are still plenty of us around who aren't weary of reading your posts. And I think your right to mention how difficult it can be to leave your community behind and try to find/build a new one. It has certainly been one of the more difficult parts of my own experience. In some ways, I am having some real success, and have improved on what I had before. At the same time, there are other aspects of it that I may never be able to match. What I have realized though, is that the responsibility for this lies entirely with me. It's exciting and terrifying at the same time - but I have to get out there and do stuff, or nothing will ever change. If you haven't seen the movie Adam, I highly recommend it.
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