Some people close to me casually acknowledge the difficulty of what I must be going through and then advise me to buck up and deal with it and move on with other aspects of life. While I realize their intent in helping me focus on the positives and not get mired in self-pity or paralyzing mental knots, it's hard not to resent the apparent insensitivity in that attitude. Regardless of what I choose in the long run, and even though I don’t currently feel like I'm in the depths of sorrow, there have been truly hellish times, and I sometimes attempt to express, in my blog, some of the more difficult or darker aspects of what I've gone through, without getting too "personal". I don't say this to mean I'm the only one going through hellish times, but I sometimes wonder if people understand the emotional and mental implications of this situation.
I sometimes feel that in my headiness and "reasonable" analysis, I manage to dehumanize my story. I don't fully admit the difficulty of what I've gone through or the intensity of what I have felt. So I may explore the "darker" sides a bit more or gloss over them less, at times, in an attempt to remind the reader that I'm a person with passions as well. I realize more negativity is about the last thing the blog world needs, and it's no mystery that there is emotional turmoil among gay mormons, so do I really need to voice mine? I think I do, to some extent. No matter where I'm going with all of this, my story isn't complete without acknowledging both sides of my own experience.
With that said, I don’t want to be heavy and somber and whiny. But at the risk of looking unstable or "all over the place", you may notice I'll share some of my thoughts from more volatile times as appropriate.
I hope I'm not just looking for sympathy in such posts. I'm not even looking for reassurance. Not usually, at least. Some entries I post are more for other people to understand what it might be like to be in my shoes. By the time I post the more angst-ridden entries, I've most often found my own degree of resolution to them and moved on or set them aside for later re-evaluation.
So just slap me in the face if you think I'm out of balance, and I'll either respond by adjusting or slap you right back. It'll be fun...