To Whore Or Not To Whore

When I've felt the desire for more physical intimacy, and have lamented that I probably won't have it the way I want it, friends have either tried to console me or to stop my whining by saying it's not for lack of opportunity. I could have my pick from one of many, they say, so who am I to complain?

First of all, I don't think it's entirely true that I could have anyone. But hey, if Brad Pitt is interested, then alright. Yet I'm so thoroughly, completely inexperienced (just trust me on this one--I don't care to expound on how inexperienced I am) that even if I were to start lip-slutting around, I'm sure word of my inadequacy in this department would circulate fast enough to kill any such prospects. My attempts would surely be condescendingly "cute" in comparison to the much more experienced maker-outers out there.

But that's all beside the point. The point is that despite my desires for that kind of physical intimacy, I don't have someone with whom I would feel sincere in being physically affectionate at that romantic level. And as appealing as the idea of having a hot and heavy make-out may be on certain lonely nights, I just can't see myself being that affectionate without feeling real connection, and I don't come by that kind of connection easily, being the heady cold fish that I am. So in those moments when the slut in me is raging, I either want to feel attracted more often or want to abandon my reservation about physical expression because, hey, it's nice to be physically close to someone. But go fig, I don't think I would want to bring myself to make out just because it's fun or feels "nice".

I'm not trying to be preachy here. Most people I know, including some I love dearly and respect a lot, have gone through make-out sprees (or other sprees) once they discovered the joy of smooching (or other...things). Gay adolescence brings out the eager teenager in most of us, in some way or another. I've been through a "yay for cuddling" phase myself.

But now, I'm a bit gun-shy about being physically affectionate at all, due to realizing I've either given an occasional person the wrong impression with casual cuddling, or I've ascribed more meaning and depth to a relationship than there was partially because of physical affection, and I felt ridiculous afterwards for my foolishness. But c'est la vie. I've been burned by being a little slutty (letting physical affectionate go beyond the nature of the friendship), and apparently, it doesn't take much for me to learn that kind of lesson and clam up again. Maybe that's because I'm just ultra-righteous and have a more active conscience than the next person. OR maybe I'm just an emotionally delicate, defensive prude with trust issues. Or something.

In any case, I don't worry that nobody could find me desirable. I mean hey, just look at this. A veritable paragon of masculine beauty. Wait, OK, so it's not because I think I'm hot stuff but because experience indicates it wouldn't be hard for anyone to find someone who'd be up for a little makey outy, and let's be honest, guys are easy.

But I'm discovering a phenomenon I don't think most guys experience but with which most girls are probably all too familiar: the question of WHY I'd be desirable. Is it because they think they can get some action? Is it because they're physically attracted? Is it because I'm fresh meat? The next new thing? An option for some fun? Forget all that! That means nothing to me, so to encourage me by telling me I could find anyone I want to make out with is akin to saying I can find a dog who will hump my leg. Sure, it's a given, and the dog's probably going to enjoy it, but thinking, "I might as well be a pillow or a blow up doll" just isn't my idea of a good time. Even with a really good-looking dog.

I've never had this issue with girls. With women, I somehow have more confidence that they're interested in me personally, in who I am. I don't doubt they would consider it a bonus to find me physically attractive and fun. But I also don't doubt they are usually drawn mostly to me, to my mind, to my personality, as cliche as it may sound to say so. And I don't doubt they're less likely to get bored and move on to the next guy who comes along, maybe because they've invested, or maybe because they just choose more consciously, or maybe because they're just more insecure...who knows, right?

But guys? Guys are a different ballgame. Hot guys who may think you're fun and intriguing (for now) but who are mostly interested in getting off on you and moving on to the next best thing are a dime a dozen. An acquaintance who was, in the past, sexually promiscuous, attested that many of his anonymous encounters were surprisingly all-American jock types. He's bisexual, he said, but it was simply always easier to find guys who were up for a quick way to climax and be on their way without needing to know their partner's name than it was to find girls for the same. I've found the moho world to operate on a similar vein, though obviously not at the same level.

Now, before you start ranting about how you're not like that or how I'm overgeneralizing (which, duh, is what you do on a blog), please understand that I'm not saying cuddle-slutting around or having random NCMOs is akin to that kind of let's-meet-in-the-restroom sexual promiscuity, and I'm not saying all mohos are sluts. Yet I've never known so many lip whores (and I use that term affectionately, at least in this one instance) in my circles of friends as I have since I broke into the moho world. I just think the motives are similar. It's about you. It's about your pleasure. It's about fun. It's about ignoring the emotional consequences and disregarding the feelings of the other person because it feels so good to have you very own "live porn"--physical/sexual pleasure without the reality of commitment or real relationship. And hey, it's not sex, and straight people are allowed to do it without people making a big deal, so why not you? All I have to say to that is, if you want to be as slutty as the average straight person, that's your business, but slutty is slutty, toots.

But maybe I'm just "making too big a deal" out of this. Maybe I'm personalizing it too much. Maybe most people just enjoy a little recreational make-out here and there, like you might enjoy a casual conversation or flirtation, and it's no big deal. And maybe if you're not one of those people, you need to grow up and join the real world and stop making it all emotional and meaningful when it's not and move on. Maybe.

And I guess most social groups have their networks of non-committal make-outs and quick flings, and people deal with it all the time. But I have never been personally affected by that until I started experiencing attraction the way I've felt it the past couple of years, and a difference here is that the moho world is so small, that your friends are all flinging with each other. And it's really disgusting after a while to know where everyone's hands and lips have been. Ew.

I'm not exempting myself from this. I've cuddle-slutted around at times. "Hey, we're just barely getting to know each other, but here, I'll give you a foot rub, and let's spoon!" What is that?!! Have I become....a typical guy? Wait, no, maybe typical isn't the right word...

So now I have to remind myself, when I see an attractive guy, "Wait, yes it's nice to look at, but does it have a soul? If so, does he have a personality? Is he sincere? Is he kind and sensitive and intelligent and selfless? Do you want a relationship? If so, there's a lot that needs to come before physical intimacy. And if not, just enjoy the view and let go of the rest." Why does it take effort to remember I'm dealing with a human being? Oh! This is why guys in high school were bumbling idiots and insensitive jackasses with girls.

So now, when I have those moments when all I want is to participate in a little physical fun, I do have an impulse to grab the most attractive thing nearby, but damn my puritanical sensibilities, I just can't feel good about doing it without a sincere relationship. So I'm occasionally left stewing in the lovesac alone as I watch the crystal-clear tender or passionate embraces on our large-screen HDTV, wanting some action but knowing I don't really want it without a relationship and simultaneously cursing my lack of sluttiness.

...then I wrestle my roommate for a bit and wear myself out, and I'm OK for the night.